Game Point

Hi Sara,

Sorry for the delay in responding. You're right our schedules are just out of whack for meeting up right now. A lot of reflection, on top of life. I guess the conclusion is, if Lemon is unwilling to budge, it doesn't really make much sense for me to hold on. I feel that it compromises my teaching, thereby short-changing the students, or it compromises my life, thereby shortchanging myself and my family. Do let me know if anything changes (i.e. if Lemon would consider splitting [my courses] into two sections each, or hire me full-time with an office and benefits).

Shy of that, which I don't really expect, it makes most sense for me to pour my time and energy into building my research firm. I've got a couple programmers on board to get started coding the programs I need to develop my proofs-of-concept. If all goes well, I'll have some demos worked up by the new year, just before the baby is born. It's quite exciting really. I'm looking forward to the next phase in our lives, with two new babies (the one in Rocket's tummy, and the business I'm building).

My greatest fear in all this is that it will compromise our friendship, and your willingness to support my success. I may still apply for some more full-time tenure-track faculty posts, but I'm no longer holding my breath or vesting my hopes entirely in that prospect. Three years of seeking has beaten that out of me. Ideally, I'll be able to land a faculty post where I'll actually be supported both in my teaching and my research. If that's not possible, I think what I need to sacrifice, for my sake, and my family, is the teaching. I really hope I don't need to make that choice, since both are an important part of who I am.

I hope you will understand this decision (a difficult one, I confess). I can send a note to [coordinator for other course] & to [administrative staffer] if you think that would be appropriate. Also, is there some way I can ensure that I will get student evaluations for my teaching this term? I'd very much like to have them as part of my portfolio.

With warm regards,

Articulate

Grading and beyond

For everything...
there is a season...

And just now in my life is the season for grading. I had a nice hiatus for the past few days. Today, I returned to the task. Graded all the reports that were handed in October 4 (and a few late ones), and I'm halfway through grading the quizzes they all took last Tuesday. I'll have both sets to hand back to them tomorrow afternoon.

I still have the Interview/Essays and tests from my Wednesday night class to grade. I'll do my best to get those done by Wednesday night. This is the drudgery of teaching. Sure, every job has more or less pleasant aspects. That can't be denied. An element of unpleasantness does not in itself constitute cause for leaving.

Rocket and I are both dealing with sorting out our expectations and desires, and meshing those with our obligations and responsibilities. She has decided (I think it's final this time) that she will take an indefinite leave from her current career, from the time the baby is born.

And so, it is on us to decide where we will go. The time frame is next summer, after the Painter is done with kindergarten (mid-June). Rocket will likely take leave around the end of January. (Due date is about February 4). As we expect it, this will provide her some sort of income (disability/family leave) until about May.

We've decided not to limit ourselves to a locale where she could feasibly slide back into her career. (If she decides to down the road, we'll deal with it then). I'm clearly not interested in metaphorically holding my breath by limiting our choices to where I might have an offer of a full-time faculty gig. (If one comes up, we'll consider it. I must say, it is incredibly freeing to not consider an offer to be manna from heaven. It's just something to consider.)

The only real limitations are being within an hour of a major airport, so I can conveniently travel as needed for building my business, and it has to be in a location that would be attractive to the sorts of people I might like to hire for my firm. We'd also like to be near family and close to some large body of water for sailing. It should be some place reasonably affordable, so we can work our way back into home ownership when the time is ripe. That leaves a lot of possibilities.

Left to me are still the decisions regarding whether and where I might continue to apply for faculty positions. I've realized that I wish to impose some fairly strict criteria on what would make an acceptable post. I think no more than 5 courses per year, ideally 4. Also, course size should be limited to under 60 students per term (ideally 50 or under). I'd want to live close to campus, so the commute is negligible. I'd want encouragement and support for my research (my real research).

When dating, my attitude was always to wear my heart upon my sleeve, to display myself as I really am. I never understood friends who would go to great lengths to appear as something other than themselves, in order to impress someone. I wanted to find someone who loved me for who I am, blemishes and all. I want the same from a job. Why go to great lengths to wear the costume of someone else, someone I think would most appeal to a hiring committee? Not for me. This is who I am. This is what I do.

But I'm ready. I'm ready to move on as well. I have only three applications out so far this year. I've got some more in my inbox awaiting my decision. Rocket and I will look those over. I'll see what I can about whether they fulfill my wishes, and then we'll decide if they're possibly in a location that works for us. And if not, I won't apply. I don't need to.

I believe in my work. That is what I'm off to do.

Back in my court

The continuing saga of an adjunct wishing to regain his dignity...

Hi Articulate,

I'm glad things are going well and Rocket and baby are fine. Yes, you'll have 3 boys--it'll be pandemonium. I'd love to have lunch with you, but [details of scheduling]...

About the 16-18 hours a week, well, we all know what that means. You technically have 5.5 classroom contact hours each week, and office hours are generally not counted, although they should be. Next semester your prep time will be greatly reduced, since you'll have taught the courses before recently. Let's say you give three tests in each class, each semester, so 6 times a semester you'll be in for a lot of grading. You can reduce that a bit by having fill in the blank, etc., short term definitions, etc., instead of essay tests (like major classes generally have). You'll still need at least a short essay on each test though, I'd say.

You'll always spend more time on grading than a contract will say. They grossly underestimate course prep and grading time. Unless you go over to the dark side and use scantron (which you shouldn't do here).

I am very sorry to tell you that there is no chance of capping enrollment for your classes, lower than the room capacity, which is 40 in each of the rooms you teach in. You can, of course, refuse to accept students over the maximum number allowed (40). Your classes are designed as big money makers for the program and so need as many bodies as possible. This is from the dean--so we can't change that.

The good news is that in the spring you'll probably have an office for the days you're on campus. We're hopeful that renovations will be complete by then and 5 new offices will be done! [Administrative Staffer] told me that you'd have space. It would be shared with another part time teacher, but not on the same days you'd be using it. You can contact him for details on the office.

I know it's very hard and difficult, but you're living the life of a PhD without a full-time position, you're an itinerant teacher (that's what I always called myself when I was doing that). And just so you can compare and know that your situation isn't as bad as it could be, here's my part-time war story:

After I finished my post-doc I taught part-time at several local colleges for a couple of years. When I started at Lemon, they hired me to replace their [subfield 1] person who was on sabbatical, but they hired me PART TIME to teach full time. This was before the rule that part-time faculty could only teach 6 credits per semester. I taught 4 courses (12) credits EACH semester, with 40-50 students in 3 of the courses each semester. I was paid part time, per credit, and it was less than what you're making per credit since it was about 8 years ago, and NO BENEFITS. And there was no guarantee that I'd be hired the following year even part time let alone full time. So I kept my other teaching gigs, in case I needed them the following year. So, each semester, I was teaching 4 classes at Lemon, one class at [Other Local College], and one class at [Postdoc University] extension, AND I tutored 25-30 private students. That was the year of hell. I rarely slept. I worked 16-18 hours a day, 7 days a week. But, at the end of that year, the guy I was filling in for at Lemon decided to retire and they did a national search over the summer and since they knew me and liked what I was doing, they hired me full time for the following year. So, you see, it could be worse. And I really hope your story has a happy ending!

OK, take care, sorry to ramble on so. I'm procrastinating.
Sara

The question that strikes me to ask (myself, if no one else), at the end of that story is, and that's the happy ending? I mean, really, is that what I'm holding out for, the opportunity to wear myself out, for the possibility (POSSIBILITY) of getting hired full-time (where I'll still be overworked, but at least paid better), and forced to make unpleasant compromises in my teaching, because I simply haven't the time, and I'll have the delight of sending such emails to my friends who are slaving away as adjuncts?

Forgive me for bitching a little. But is that what it's all about? I have no desire to short-change my students. They deserve better. A money maker for the program! And of course, there's no need to share out some of that profit with the instructor. No! Ridiculous. See, I've spent three years applying for faculty gigs, beginning while I was finishing up the dissertation. I spent two years as a post-doc in a different field, related by the topic of my dissertation.

And now, I spend 25-30 hours a week, teaching introductory courses to the broad discipline of my PhD, at a university 2-5 hours commute roundtrip from my home and family, with no job security beyond one term at a time, no benefits, and for a measly $6000 take home per term. Let's see, when I was a waiter, in Annapolis, Maryland nearly 20 years ago, I'd make say $50-100 a night, about 4 nights a week (shifts ranging from 6-8 hours). Meaning, on an inflation adjusted average, I'd have equivalent (EQUIVALENT!) income.

Now, in any universe, does that make any sense? Waiting tables/teaching university. Low skill/PhD. Hmmm. Somehow, the scales seem tipped (OVER!)

I read Sara's story and I wonder why anyone would subject themselves to that? Well, perhaps if I were in my twenties again. But I'm nearly 40. I have two sons, and a third on the way. I have a PhD, and a wealth of ideas, and energy to pour into interesting questions.

Recently, I've been reading some blogs related to the conditions of adjunct faculty, and their horror stories. And I remember one thing my old coach, Paul, had said to me during one of our first sessions. He remarked that many of us are inclined to fight, to seek out battles, to struggle against the tide, to overcome adversity. He said, don't. Don't fight. You don't need to. Why choose the things that are hard? Do what comes easy to you.

And that rings so loudly to me right now. I could dedicate myself to fighting for adjuncts' rights to dignity, to equal pay for equal work, to benefits, to improved working conditions. Or... I could simply walk away from it. I could set an example as someone who left. If we all left and sought out alternate means that would send the message more loudly than a thousand demonstrations. And for what are we staying? We can live as well or better waiting tables or working in bookstores. Or... building our dreams by putting our research directly to use!

The question for me is which is more in keeping with my own goals? What do I wish to accomplish now with my life? I think I know the answer.

A day for my work

Yesterday, I did no grading. I simply prepped my class, taught it, consulted with students after class, then drove the hour and a half straight home to be with my boys.

Today, Friday, is a day for my work. There is no grading or course prep to be done today.

This morning, I talked with "my" attorney, for about an hour I'd say. Let's call him Darren. Darren was referred to me by a friend of the husband of a colleague of my ex-stepfather's (ah the wonders of social networking and LinkedIn.com). I had spoken to him a few months ago, then more recently in preparation for my meeting with the programmers last week. He had pointed me toward a non-disclosure agreement template. I wanted to talk with him about moving forward, about ideas for a "work for hire" contract with the programmers, and possibilities for formalizing my arrangement with him.

So far, it's a misnomer to call him my attorney. We have no formal retainer agreement, and officially all of our discussions have fallen outside the domain of "advice." So far, it's all been gratis conversations between two fellows. But I anticipate (as I believe does he) that our relationship will eventually formalize into an attorney-client one. For now, it's nice to have a knowledgeable source willing to take and return my phone calls, and help me understand where I'm on or off track.

After that conversation, I've spent my day working up a "scenario document" for my programmers. I had worked up a "specifications" document prior to our meeting, which outlined an overview of the proofs-of-concept toolset, including algorithms for each of the individual tasks (save the last and most complicated one, which I'm still working on). They had asked me to develop a scenario document which would essentially go step by step through the proposed program: open the program; main menu includes the following tasks: ... ; choosing task_1 takes user to the following menu; selection A is accomplished by the program in the following way... etc.)

I've been working on that today. I promised them that I'd have something to them by the end of the week. This is what I'd like to prioritize. This is my work. This is interesting, and exciting to me in ways that I'm realizing teaching at Lemon simply isn't.

Is it just Lemon? ...

Rocket said to me last night that she had decided. She won't be returning to Rocket Central after the baby is born. She decided (upon hearing a local news report about the death of a five-year-old, the result of road rage) that it is time for us to depart these environs.

I'm still awaiting a reply from Sara Chaisano, but barring any major unforeseen, I think I'm ready to resign my position there. That'd free me up to commit 100% of my work time to building my business, to developing the research into viable demos for gaining clients and contracts.

But what do I do about faculty applications? There are more possibilities piling up in my inbox. Where do we want to live? What are we willing (and able) to forego in order to follow the path we lay before us? Health insurance... that's a biggie. Without a job, we've got to cover that ourselves. How much would it be? Can we manage? Would the boys be eligible for S-CHIP? How much would our living expenses be? (Depends on where we live). Could we buy a house (or should we rent)?

Getting a faculty gig (which surely is anything but certain) would afford us some income, some stability, and health benefits for the family. But what would it cost me? (Depends on the gig, right?) How much time would I spend on my institutional duties? How much time would I be allowed and expected to spend on my research? Might I really find the balance? Does anyone out there find it in academia? I ask honestly. I simply don't know.

And, if not. Am I ready, and able, and willing to make the leap? Would it strengthen our bonds as a family to risk it all? Or would it weaken us? To me, this seems paramount! One aspect of commuting so far to Lemon, and spending so much time on it, beyond the little time left for my research and firm-building, is the lack of time and energy I have to give my boys. That's one major issue I wish to resolve in the future that Rocket and I compose together.

Instead of grading

Hi Sara,

I hope you and family are well. Rocket & the baby seem to be progressing nicely. I can't quite get my mind around having three boys, but I'm sure I'll get used to it come February. Maybe we can grab lunch together sometime next week, say Tuesday or Thursday?

Still grappling with the commute and student load. I'm trying to figure a way that this could still work for the Spring. I'm taking your earlier remarks to mean there's no chance of me getting hired on full-time with benefits in the Spring. I keep thinking of my contract that reads "it is anticipated that Faculty Member shall work no more than sixteen to eighteen hours per week." And so, I did some calculations (discounting the commute, since that's not really Lemon's concern, even if it is mine). Bear in mind, the commute itself is at least 6-9 hours per week!

I teach about 5:15 per week. Plus 2:00 of office hours. If I allow say 2:15 of prep time per week (which is much less than I'm spending this term). That's 9:30. Leaving 6:30-8:30 hours for grading. Let's say I spend about 10 minutes per week on average per student (which is less than I'd like to spend, but manageable). That means every six students is another hour. That comes to 39-51 students total. Say 20-25 per class.

Under the conditions of my contract with Lemon then I shouldn't have more than 20-25 students per course. What's the chance of my capping the courses at that level for the Spring? And what's the chance of me having access to an office at least an hour before and an hour after class on Tu/Th, and say two hours before on Wednesdays?

If I ought to ask these questions of somebody else, please let me know.

Be well,

Articulate

The real irony or tragedy in all this, is that I feel guilty and aggressive for writing and sending this letter. I think of my friend, Sara, and her advice to me at the beginning of the term (don't seem nervous) not in front of the students so much. She meant "don't seem nervous" in front of the staff ... it was said in an air to mean don't make waves, don't ask for too much, try to take care of things yourself, don't rely on others. That, and the attitudes (I'm busy, what can I do for you... quickly) that I got from some of the administrative staff, created a rather stifling entry for me to Lemon. Don't ask for much, don't expect it.

I feel dirty, and pushy, to make these arguments, to say that I think a bare minimum of time spent per student ought to be in the order of 10 minutes/week, or that it's not unreasonable for me to be expected to spend a half hour to prep for every hour of classroom time. And yet, I feel myself shrinking from those arguments, as if I have no right to make them. Don't you know there are hundreds of hungry dogs nipping at the gates to get a chance at those nibbles you're discarding?

It's not being hungry that makes us behave as animals. It's behaving as animals that makes us hungry! The more we line up submissively to take this treatment, the worse the treatment will get. Forget the arguments about the economy shutting down if illegal immigrants walked off the job. How would our schools survive, if all the adjuncts simply required a fair wage, reasonable conditions, and benefits, in line with their qualifications, commitment, and effort?

Cat's in the cradle

Slow morning. Getting home around 11:00 on Wednesday nights (yeah, it's earlier if I drive, not midnight like when I take the train), it takes me a while to wind down from the day and the commute. Thursday mornings, I'm quite exhausted. I luxuriated in sleeping in until nearly 8:00 (THANK YOU, ROCKETMOM!). The Painter called goodbye from the door, before being dropped off at school. That was 7:48. A few minutes later, I crawled out of bed.

The Inventor was on the couch: his morning ritual 30-60 minutes of Public Television and a cup of milk. I snuggled next to him, checked my email, then closed up my laptop, which was on the coffee table by the couch. I turned off the TV. D had made The Inventor some eggs, and a bagel. I said I'd join him for breakfast. But I took a shower first.

Then I kneeled down at the breakfast table to talk with him. The latest is he makes up words in different languages, like Painterish, and Inventorish, and Dadish, and Momish.

I like to go to the fun place. Jumpin' Jammin' is another name for the fun place. In Painterish, we call the fun place, blichercom. And in Inventorish we call the fun place, karigibub...

I get dressed, then sit to have my breakfast. It's 8:50 at this point. What an indulgent morning! The Inventor is getting ready to go with D to "the little park." Do you want to come with us, Daddy, to the park? Uh... no honey, I don't think daddy has time this morning. I've got to go to work.

[I've got more grading to do this morning. A quiz from Tuesday, and an assignment from last Thursday. I haven't touched them yet, since I was enthralled in grading the essay/interviews and another assignment from my Wednesday night class, so I could hand them back last night. No way I'll get all the Thursday assignments back. Maybe I'll just grade the quizzes, so I have something to return. Then there's the first test from last Wednesday's class, that I haven't touched yet. Does it end? With 73 students, it seems not to.]

The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...
and as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
he'd grown up just like me, my boy was just like me...

I finished eating, packed up my things, and got in the car. I saw them on the way, walking (I pass "the little park" everyday on my way to the office). [HONK HONK] You want a lift? I played with my beautiful boy for a few minutes at the park, before heading into the office. I just wanted to.

Should I stay or should I go now?

Ah, The Clash, not the most brilliant of music, but the words light on the reality of my life.

If I stay there will be trouble...
but if I go there will be double.

Reality check: actually I'm quite free at the moment. We don't need the money. I mean need need. My wife is making sufficient income for now to support us comfortably. Even though she expects to take off (indefinitely?) after #3 is born around the beginning of February, we've got decent savings (thanks in large part to the real estate bubble that allowed us to realize a handsome profit from our tiny condo in Paradise, which we bought only because the cost of owning at that time was comparable to the cost of renting; and also which allowed us to realize a not-so-handsome, but still respectable profit on our house in Denver, which might have been more handsome if we had gotten out several months or a year earlier). It was luck mostly... that and a good deal of careful budgeting and money management. But I fully realize that having money in the bank does not in any way make us better people (nor reflect our inherent higher quality) than say my comrades-in-arms adjuncts who don't. But this is my reality; the one in which I operate.

Back to The Clash, if I stay at Lemon, the trouble is mostly of the psychic variety. It's wearing to willingly subject myself to the conditions that are imposed on adjuncts at Lemon. It's a constant struggle between my conscience reflecting a desire to be a really good teacher, and my conscience which wants to be treated with the dignity and respect I feel I deserve. There is little dignity in being overworked and underpaid, in being forced to eat my lunch in the hallways, because I haven't access to an office but one day per week, in having to choose between giving grades to students based on a perfunctory glance, or spending all my time grading.

And what of my business? What time do I really have left for that? What would be the function of remaining?

1. There may have been an implied agreement that I'd teach for the whole year. But then, the institution chose to give me a one-term contract. So... who implied what? (Bait and switch, anyone?)
   
2. Remaining may facilitate my continuing ability to get glowing letters of recommendation from Sara Chaisano ("It will be our loss if he moves on to another teaching position." Hard for her to say, if I've already left).
3. Assuming I do get a tenure-track gig to begin next fall, the added recent experience teaching these two courses would facilitate the transition.

But, it sucks up so much of my time and energy. I have spent three years begging and groveling for a faculty post that I retain little faith that this season will miraculously prove otherwise (though there is that voice in me that still believes, that thinks ah, but now I've got letterhead, I've got a job at a university, that's got to count for something). This leaves me in an uncomfortable position. If I am still committed (at least one last time) to pursuing a tenure-track post, perhaps there is benefit in my remaining at Lemon for another term.

But part of me wants to just let it go. Part of me wants to leap, with my family, into that great unknown. I want to build my research firm. I want to hire these programmers (part-time for now), and spend some of our savings to build this firm. I want to simply trust that the 18 months or three years (depending on where we live, and how we manage the money) that our savings can sustain us, will be more than enough for my research to start turning a profit.

It's scary. It's uncertain. But are the certainties I'm given much better? Nothing in the world is worth wasting our lives. No amount of certainty is worth getting stuck, on a track defined by no one but circumstance. The wind blows of its own accord. It is on us to trim the sails.

An hour and a half later

Just about... that was the time it took me to drive back from campus to my office. This is the light commute. See, I left campus at 2:30 pm, not exactly rush hour. Ah... but here, I guess it is. Well, that's not true. See, it takes an hour and a half to drive 42 miles at 2:30. At 4:30, it'd take two and a half hours. Why don't they call it SLOW hour instead. I mean, who rushes with that kind of traffic?

Today was the first experiment in reducing my office hours, and avoiding the 7:00 am dash to the metro, so I could shave an hour off my train/bus commute. I hate to drive in this traffic. But I can't say I enjoy leaving the house before 7:00 am, for two office hours and an hour and fifteen lecture, then taking the 4:38 train back, arriving at home around 6:30. It just doesn't seem right, it doesn't seem worth it. So, I thought I'd take Sara Chaisano up on her suggestion that I cut my office hours down to one a week, with the proviso "or by appointment".

I hate to short-change the students. But I'm swamped with grading, and commuting, and with an attempt to make a life for myself beyond the pathetic part-time, no benefits, pay that I make at the university. Am I short-changing the students by cursorily rushing through their papers to come up with a reasonable grade, so I can keep the time I spend on each student each week under 5-10 minutes? Or is the university short-changing us both? Today, as I walked across campus, past the massive multi-million dollar project to build a fandandy courtyard outside the library (described thus by Sara: "Well, I think it looked just great the way it was, but I guess they want to make it fancier"), I recalled the time I was interviewed years ago on Slovak television.

I was performing in a beautiful old, renovated theater there, where the local talent gets paid such a miserable salary that they thought I was extravagant for having chicken soup for lunch at about 94 cents a pop. When you make about $150/month, a dollar a day for lunch can seem a fortune. So... I stood before the camera, in my not-so-polished Slovak, and explained that while I found the freshly-multimillion-dollar-renovated theater to be gorgeous, one should always remember that our priorities should be first with the people who give the house life. There's always time, and energy, and money for renovations if the building is alive. But if the people are listless, no amount of paint, and velvet, and gilding can liven it up!

And I thought how ironic that I'd be in their shoes here in America. If I choose to stay on at Lemon, I can assure you it has nothing to do with any regard I hold for the institution and its administration. I think of poor Marion True, and her trial in Italy. Perhaps she was less bad than others in her treatment of looted artifacts, but being less bad is hardly a purchase to heaven! Just because all the universities across America treat their adjuncts with disdain is no defense for the practice.

Every administrator, or faculty member, who knowingly permits their institution to hire part-time faculty when full-time are required, who willingly allows overcrowding of classes, to avoid paying benefits, is culpable. Every politician who mealy-mouths their support for education, and the cause of today's children (I think of Nancy Pelosi--put your nation's money where you mouth is!) is responsible for turning this nation around, and putting our priorities where they belong.

There is no gray area!

A productive meeting

No, not in any way affiliated with the university. I had a wonderfully productive meeting on Saturday with a couple programmers in the Bay Area of California. I flew up for the afternoon, arriving around 1:00, and getting dropped off by them at the airport for my return around 5:00.

For four hours (after getting their signatures on a confidentiality agreement), I expounded on my ideas and theories, and why and how and what. I gave them an overview and background on what I am trying to accomplish, what has been tried, and most importantly, what hasn't been tried until now. I laid out what I had written up of what I needed them to assist me in creating, as a toolset for developing my proofs-of-concept, which should lead to contracts and clients, and much more work.

They both seemed engaged and excited in moving forward with it. And now, I'm buried with grading, trying to dig my way through this four inch pile of papers and tests and assignments, so I can get back to completing the algorithm, clarifying the desired interface and tasks for the program.

_________

My wife says she has a love-hate relationship with her work, reflecting that her Sunday afternoons present to her dread of having to return to her desk. I laughed and said I can't complain about returning to my office, my real office, where I build the dream of this applied research firm. But I do feel dread over the grading for miserable pay and no benefits.

I like the classroom; I like the students; I like being involved with engaging and inspiring young minds to follow their own paths (to pursue and achieve their greatest potential). But I abhor the treatment that I have been subject to. Some of it is mere circumstance: the fact that I have no permanent faculty job is not really anybody's fault (though surely I could have expected more support from my doctoral institution and program). Some of it however is the willful abuse of administrators, like those at Lemon, who choose to take advantage of adjunct faculty, and of the political leaders who provide so little public-funds support for education that those administrators are almost justified in their actions.

And this is my internal war. I want to build my research into a successful business, that has a positive impact on society (as well as my finances). I also wish to be a part of academia, contributing to a next generation of scholars and doers. Will I be given the chance to be true to both sides of myself?

Buried

Grading, grading, grading... grating.
What's the solution? See, if the school says "it is anticipated that Faculty Member shall work no more than sixteen to eighteen hours per week"... does that mean that I should work no more than 16-18 hours per week on my school duties? Just cut off my time, whether I've completed the requisite tasks or not?

That would seem fair, wouldn't it? Bringing my hourly wage up to about $30. But the problem of course, is by hard limiting my time expenditure, the students are the ones who get short-changed. The university doesn't care. They don't seem to have any problem in short-changing the faculty, by hiring an ungodly number of part-time adjuncts at a low wage without benefits, and overloading the classes, so as to avoid hiring more, or giving adjuncts benefits and a more reasonable workload.

So, which is it, do I short-change myself, or short-change my students? Frankly, I can't see a way to involve and reasonably assess the students without requiring them to write! Of course, I could make the tests entirely out of multiple-choice, and short (word or phrase) answers. I could avoid actually reading their handed in assignments, and simply check them off as having been done or not. But then, perfunctory behavior like this on my part is short-changing them.

And, despite all this, I may just stick it out for another semester, continuing in the Spring. Could I really cut down my time commitment to 16-18 hours a week, without short-changing anyone? The preps will be easier, since I would be teaching exactly the same classes in the Spring. But the grading. Ah the grading! What's the point of teaching a class, if you don't expect the students to demonstrate their ability to reflect on and explain the concepts that they are ostensibly learning? What would be the point? I have no interest to go through the motions.

There's the dilemma.

Risotto

I just wanted to say, that I've lighted on a rather ingenious way to get my boys (most especially the Painter) to eat sufficient vegetables and protein. In a word, risotto. Like tonight, I took a jar of chicken soup (with lentils, zucchini, celery, carrots, tomato), which I canned up a couple months ago, off the shelf. I cooked 1-1/3 cups of short-grained rice with 1-1/3 cups of water in the rice cooker. Then mixed the half-cooked rice with the quart of soup (supplemented with more chicken from the fridge), and some fresh celery. Add a little bit of milk. Voila. Now, I expect the Painter to pick things out of his rice. But he'll eat most of it. And... when I get really desperate, I can always blend up everything before mixing with the rice.

The Onus

The onus is on me, of course. It's very powerful to claim the right, and the ability, to say no. Yet, with power comes responsibility. It's far easier when circumstance decides for us. Now the onus is on me to decide whether to remain at Lemon for another semester, or walk away from the long commutes, and excessive time commitment (excessive in comparison to the rewards).

My friend, Sara Chaisano, who was the impetus for getting me hired there has made several attempts this past week to keep me on board. Her latest is to authorize me to hold only one office hour (rather than two), "given that we just aren't providing you with the space you need to have them at times when you can be there." Part of the issue of my commute is the necessity to travel during peak traffic, or rather, the desire to avoid traffic, and the train/bus schedules available to me. I'd prefer to take the train than drive, but the schedules require 4-5 hours of traveling per day, and at times permit me little leeway, if one leg of the journey is delayed (meaning I might miss a connection entirely).

If I skip a morning office hour, that allows me to leave at 11:30, rather than 7:00 on Tuesdays. I could make myself available to meet with students after class on Tu & Th for say 45 minutes each, allowing me to hit the road around 3:00. If I drive rather than take the train, I might get home by 4:00-4:30 on those days. Currently, I leave the house before 7:00 on Tuesdays, and get home after 6:30 at night. Wednesdays will still be hectic, with me heading down around 3:00, and getting home around 11:00.

So, that would mean a time commitment of about 16 hours just getting there and back, and teaching. Think of this, with somewhere north of 70 students, if I spend 5-10 minutes a week on average grading for each student, that's about 6-12 hours more, plus what 2-3 hours of prep/week minimum (say 24-30 hours/week). My contract reads: "it is anticipated that Faculty Member shall work no more than sixteen to eighteen hours per week." HA! For those following along at home, that comes to under $20/hour, with no benefits, and no job security.

But, I enjoy teaching. I really do! And having a letterhead, and some colleagues who think the world of me (especially ones willing to write those glowing letters of recommendation), and sure the extra cash won't hurt, even if it's much less than I think I'm worth... maybe it's worth it. Mind you, I haven't decided yet. Will this year prove the one I get offered multiple faculty gigs? Do I even still want that?

I'm not walking away from my entrepreneurial efforts. I'm not going to put aside the research that fires me, that excites me, that I believe will prove not only commercially successful, but more important meaningful and beneficial for society at large. Can I continue to do that with a faculty gig? Not really a relevant question at this point, because I've spent three years for the opportunity to work adjunct, part-time, temporarily, hours from home and my family, without an office, or benefits, for a measly $20/hour! Is there any hope left that one of these schools I'm applying to will take me for what I've got to offer?

There's no telling. I made a commitment that this was the year I'd stop waiting. I have stopped waiting. I've stopped holding my breath. I've ended my depression. I've moved ahead on independent research, motivated by my passions, not by my reading of what may or may not benefit my eventual bid for tenure. Yet that glimmer of hope remains. There is that side of me that still loves the academy, that wishes to be a welcomed participant.

And so, I remain, one foot in/one foot out.

Volley

The ball's back in my court.

Hi Articulate! Glad you're having fun teaching.

[Discussion of course specifics]

... Students who miss a lot of classes and miss the exam: assume he's gone. If he missed the exam, with no word to you, that's that. He may have withdrawn. If he hasn't withdrawn, then at the end of the semester you have the option of giving him an F or (I think it's) an FW, which means he failed b/c he stopped going to class. If he shows up at some point wanting to make up test etc., I would tell him sorry, missed the exam with no word, you're going to fail so you should withdraw from the class. Of course, say it nicely.

No problem on the office, I know it must be hard not to have your own space. We're going to be getting several more offices for part-time faculty--they are building them in a space that's now just empty hallway in [Campus Building]. I don't know if they will be ready for Spring, but hopefully!

Spring contract: same as Fall, it takes them forever, you will eventually get a contract and it will be for the same as the fall, same classes, times, pay. Eventually--probably in January if I know Lemon. As far as we're concerned, you're hired for the Spring too, so you don't have to worry about that.

I totally understand where you're coming from re needing full-time employment with benefits, especially with RocketMom taking time off and your THIRD!! baby on the way. And I understand the time/payment ratio not being good for you, given your commute and the time you need to spend with the courses and what they pay part-time instructors.

Unfortunately, we are very restricted about number and type of full-time positions we have for hiring right now. Here's our schedule for hiring (and yes, I'm the right person to talk to about this at this point): for next year (2008-2009) we'll be hiring 2 full-time positions, one for [job description 1] and one for [job description 2]. Those searches are ongoing now. Next year we will be searching for another [job description 2] faculty (for 2009-2010), and in 2009-2010 we'll be searching for another [subfield 1er] (for 2010-2011).

So unfortunately, we can't hire a [subfield 1er], or someone with your background, until 2010. And we are allowed only part-time hires for classes like [course #] and [course #] right now. This is from the Chancellor's office--we'd love to hire someone full-time right now, of course. You are right that there is certainly enough enrollment for 2 sections each, but part-time faculty can only teach 6 credits per semester of lecture courses (because the university is too cheap to pay for benefits, which they would have to do if a faculty member taught more than 6 credits). So if we offer 2 sections of both classes, we'd have to hire 2 part-time faculty to teach them.

I'm sorry I don't have better news for you! Universities move at a glacial pace, as I'm sure you know.

Please let me know ASAP if you decide not to teach for us next Spring--I'll have to find someone else. Of course I'll understand completely--although I think you are doing a really good job (from what I hear so far) and I'd be really happy if you taught again in the Spring.

Thanks, Articulate! Say hi to RocketMom and the boys.
Sara

Some movement

Hi Sara,

I'm having fun teaching. It's great to have my own classroom again. Thank you for getting me the gig. I give the first [course #] tests back on Tuesday. It's a good spread, so I think it was fair: without a curve, it's 6 As; 12 Bs; 7 Cs; 5 Ds, and 3 Fs (plus two who didn't show up for the exam, and one I haven't seen yet, who took it proctored in the [Center]). I don't know how that compares to what's typical for the course. Let me know. And let me know what I can do for a student I'm worried about. There's one who's enrolled in both my classes, who has missed quite a few sessions, who didn't show up for the first exam. I sent him an email asking if all was okay, but I haven't heard back from him.

Also sorry if I've disturbed things in your office. Anything I did was inadvertent I assure you. It's tough not having a space of my own, as I'm sure it's hard on you to share what's otherwise your office alone.

I wanted to touch base with you about the Spring. The contract I received in August was only for the Fall, and I haven't heard anything official otherwise. Last I checked the Spring schedule still hadn't been posted. So I don't really know what's planned for the Spring, but assume that it would be the same as now.

The problem I run into is this. I hadn't anticipated the commute (or the class sizes) would be quite so much. I'm spending about 12-15 hours a week just getting to Lemon & back. Looking over our budget, we've come to the conclusion that I need to be bringing in more, and unfortunately sooner than we had anticipated. With the time commitment at Lemon, there's little chance for me to earn other part-time income in the Rocket City area. With #3 on the way, and RocketMom planning to take time off from work, starting the top of the year, I really need full-time employment with benefits.

I don't know what is available to me in that regard at Lemon. Surely there are enough students in [course #] & [course #] to warrant two sections each. I'm certainly open and willing to discuss other options as well. If you're not the right point of contact, please let me know who is, and I'll move the conversation to them. Let me know what you can.

Regards to [husband], and a hug for [baby].

Thanks,

Articulate

Time moves along. Our expectations change. I think there's a snowball's chance in hell that they'll hire me full-time with benefits. The reality is, working another term for a mere $6000 take home would likely delay my development of these proofs-of-concept, which will likely net me quite a bit more in income. What's more, it's my work, work I really enjoy, and which I find meaningful. I want my time back. And my dignity. Besides, I'm spending more time than I'd like far away from my boys & my wife. And somehow, it just doesn't seem worth it.

RocketMom & I spent some time this weekend shoring up our decisions, and fortitude. Last week, she got word of her raise for the year, about 4.6%. The average, they were told, was 2.9%. Her supervisor had asked her if she planned on coming back to work full-time soon after the baby was born. She demurred that she was thinking about part-time. For how long? I don't know.

But... she's not really planning to go back. We thought about that this weekend. It was tough for her to go back full-time when the Inventor was 6 months old. It'd likely be even more tough this time around. D goes back to Germany around the beginning of June. So, we'd need to get another au pair, find alternate daycare, or I'd have to stay at home full-time. If we stay past the summer, the Painter would be back in school, for first-grade, meaning we'd either stay another year, or move in the middle of the school year. And, the cost of living here is significantly higher than it might be in other parts of the country. Any of these issues could be dealt with, if that's what she wanted to do.

The hard part is... they treat her well at Rocket Central. She's well compensated and respected. But... what she really wants is to take some time off, to spend more time with the family. The work itself doesn't drive her, doesn't motivate her. It's just something she can do.

Are we crazy to walk away from the stability and comfort of her income? I don't think so. It's just a decision, a decision that sets our priorities aright. The money is nice. But it's not that important.

The timing we're back to is making a jump likely in June or July. RocketMom will have income (disability & family leave) through around May. We've got non-retirement savings to support us for easily a year, more likely two. If I return my time to working on these proofs-of-concept (I've had only about 5-10 hours a week for that lately), I can reasonably hope to have a handful worked up and ready for demo before she takes off from work.

I'm not holding my breath for a faculty gig, though there would be some great benefits to having one. I would be willing to sell my time and energy for a full-time position with benefits, that allowed me to regain my dignity as a scholar, and that supported me and my family. I am committed to my research, and expect it to lead somewhere. If it takes me longer to accomplish that, because I'm engaged in something equally as meaningful, so be it. But I'm little inclined to put off those efforts for something, like what I have, that doesn't afford me that.

It's either a faculty offer will help us decide where to move, or we'll be ready (having done our homework) to decide on our own. We've been doing that. The tour is scary and uncertain, but exhilarating nonetheless.

Okay, I give

Reading other blogs over the past couple years, I kept wondering at the laments of my friends who were teaching, about how wearing grading could be. I simply didn't remember it being so exhausting from my time teaching at the community college. No, it couldn't be that bad. They're just whining.

Okay, I give. It can be that bad. Well, exhausting in any case. One thing's good: I guess my first test wasn't too easy. ... I've got a good mix of grades so far... but I'm only about two-thirds way through the grading. One perfect score. But a couple failing grades as well. It is so time-consuming. And I've got a stack of essays from my Wednesday night class as well. Their first test is next week. I'm doing my best to get Thursdays tests returned on Tuesday, and Wednesdays essays back on Wednesday. It won't get any easier, so I might as well not fall behind now.

____________
On another count, I fly to Oakland next Saturday for a meeting with a couple programmers I'm looking to hire on for a project. They were recommended to me by contact Matt Suliman. He's a good contact for me (I hope he'll turn into a friend), because he has a similar background in academia and research, he's a visionary, driven by a passion to "make a better mousetrap" as he puts it, and also engaged with the practical issues of running a start-up and trying to keep the intermediate steps as commercially viable as possible. In other words, he's a model for the type of thing I'm doing, only he's been doing it for about 5 years now.

In any case, I'm looking to hire some programmers to help me build the tools I need to put together my proofs-of-concept. I'm looking forward to the meeting, but I'm hoping to have a very clear description of what exactly I'm asking them to write. Having gotten my feet wet with programming myself, I think I've got a pretty good handle on how I should frame it. Alvin, the lead programmer, whom I spoke to on the phone, seems quite excited about the work. The trick will be negotiating a reasonable pay agreement. We shall see. Every dime comes out of our savings, so I don't want to blow the wad too quickly. But if this works out, I'll have the tools I need to send off or present some demos which might net me some contracts or clients.

Hope springs eternal.

Ten Years

Ten years ago today, my wife and I exchanged vows on the lawn of a golf course. "With all that I have, and all that I am, and all that I do, with all of my body, and all of my mind, and all of my heart..." It's been ten wonderful years.

This morning on my bed (I, a bit groggy, from having arrived at home after midnight from my return commute):

Artist: The clock says seven-oh-four.

Inventor: [Artist], talking quietly is kinda like whispering.

Artist: It's not kinda like whispering, it's the same thing.
... The clock says seven-oh-six

Me: [giving up]
Hey, boys, did you know that today is mommy and daddy's tenth wedding anniversary? We've been married for ten years!

Artist: Daddy? You're going to be... we're going to be a family forEVER! So, you and mommy will be married forever.

You know... you really can't beat that!

Two counts

I did it! on two counts:

First, I did a little research on public transportation options for my commute to Lemon. They're not good, let me say, but in ways better than the driving. See, Wednesday night, for my 7:00 class, I left my office ~42 miles away at 4:05. Sometime after 5:30, not quite halfway there, I pulled off the highway (isn't that a misnomer!) to grab some dinner. Fortunately, I did arrive in time for class. It reminded me of the day I decided to quit taking a class at UCLA a few months ago. Only now, I've got a commitment to my students and the institution to stay on.

Yesterday, I took the metro to the train to a bus. All told, about 3 hours traveling. The return was about 2 hours, since I could take a commuter train from a closer station. The trip today should only take about an hour and a half going. Let's hope I catch the 10:10 train after class, or I'll have to wait for the last train, after midnight. At least, on the train, I can do some reading, and finalize my class preps, rather than wasting the time polluting and listening to the same news stories about Sadr city, over and over.

But, it feels good not to be contributing to what the radio called this morning, the worst traffic anywhere in the country!

On the second count, I drafted up three cover letters, printed the requested material, addressed the envelopes, and asked for letters to be drafted. Last week, I was really down about the prospect of another season. Writing the cover letters, and updating my CV have been rather inspiring. I've decided that the best tack is for me to put up front what and who I am, describe the work I'm engaging in, and simply accept that there will be those committee members scratching their heads, wondering if my file might not have been misplaced from some other department's search.

I'm still planning to be selective in the schools I submit to, looking in particular for openness to interdisciplinary and cross-disciplinary approaches. And, I'll still be applying our measures of whether it's a location we'd like to live, and whether the description of duties collides with my interests. In any case, it was a good experience to get through that hurdle.

Inventing a way to say it

Inventor: [arranging bottles of water on the floor] Look daddy, when I fall it on the top it falls on the down.

Me: I see that. When you put it on top, it falls down.

Inventor: NOOOOO! [blood curdling scream] I say it: "When I fall it on the top, it falls on the down."

Me: Oh... okay.
...

Inventor: [sitting cross legged on the floor] Look daddy, I can only make this kind of bended knee lap.

Me: Wow! I see. What other kinds of lap can you make?

Inventor: [rearranging] I can make this kind of lap.
[rearranging again] And I can make this kind of lap.

Me: [rearranging, knees on the floor, sitting back] Can you make this kind of lap?

Inventor: [blood curdling scream] No, daddy. We call that kneeling! That's not a lap.

Me: Oh, okay

Old Boys--clarification

Greg posted a comment to an earlier post, challenging in part the image I painted of an old boys' network. As he pointed out, fields differ (and I might add, I think schools differ in their culture as well). For clarification (since my own reading is likely biased) here's a redacted version of the email from my ex-step-dad, who's been chair of his own program for years. In Greg's defense, my mother's take (she was CC'd on the email from [ex-step-dad]) was quite different from my own. She describes the professoriate at that school (it's in the city where she lives) as rather quirky, and anything but entrenched.

Dear Articulate,

Well, that would be a kick, to see you at [Respected Eastern Tech] as a colleague! Very cool.

I know [department chair] and like her; very smart, dynamic...

The way they undoubtedly do the search is to go through all the applications to form a short list, then go on from there. The trick is to get that far, and I just don't know enough, in detail, about your background, credentials, thesis, etc. to know whether you've got a shot. But hell, it's worth it. Give it your all. I could say something to [dept. chair], that she ought to be expecting your application, that maybe she could give it an additional look-see, but I honestly don't know whether that would do any good. I've had people approach me on behalf of applicants on searches I've conducted and it didn't get them anywhere. Not because I didn't respect the person, just because a tenure appointment is so terribly important to the life of the university that I can't imagine anyone being influential that way -- unless it was someone who was really big in the field, which I'm obviously not.

Because this is a tenure track job at [RET], I'd say that your cover letter ought not to get to preoccupied with the teaching (though of course mention it) but as substantively and strongly as possible with the intellectual meat of what you've done in your thesis and since. You've got to make it easy for them to imagine you as a colleague. You should want them to come out of perusing your CV and cover letter thinking, "OK, I could see going to lunch with him. He'd have a good chance at gaining tenure. He's an [RET] sort of a guy." You want to come across as solid, substantive, deep, interesting. Which of course you are, but you want to make sure you come across that way in anything that reaches the committee.

As for the business that you've been running, I don't know exactly what it is, to tell you the truth, but [RET] is by no means averse to business, innovation, entrepreneurship, etc. But you may want to avoid over-selling it. ... So you'll want to be careful on this score. But that you have a business dimension I don't think ought to get in the way, the more substantive, of course, the better.

That's about all I can say. If it gets to the point that you give a job talk here, let me know!

Good luck,

Boris

X+Y

19 weeks.
Results of the amniocentesis: chromosomally normal X+Y.
That makes three.
Rocket says: I think three is enough!
Three kids? or three boys!
I think three boys is enough.

:) We'll see in a couple years. Meantime, we don't need to buy any new clothes. We're both happy, even if it promises a bit more of the same.

The Artist seems to be thriving in school... er... um, kindergarten. I think before the year is out he'll accept that he, in fact, really is attending school. But for now, it's um... well, you know, just kindergarten, which happens to gather at the school, even though he's not attending school, you know.

Talked with a patent attorney today, who had been referred to me via my network on LinkedIn. I'm on the right track. He pretty strongly urged me to forego appealing for venture capital (at least for now). He says it's not uncommon for VCs to command 50-75% of your company, and it's highly unlikely that they would be willing to sign a confidentiality or non-disclosure agreement, because they want to protect their ability to invest in what they see as their best bet. If someone comes to them with a similar idea to mine, a couple weeks or months later, which is more developed, or better implemented, they want to be able to jump ship and join with the second team, which a Non-Disclosure Agreement might prevent them from doing. Without such an agreement, I might risk them taking my ideas outright.

For now, I step lightly, continue to apply for the few faculty posts that strike my fancy (while investigating that "underground railroad"), look into the prospect of hiring a programmer (or perhaps better partnering with one) to continue developing the tools for my proofs-of-concept, and when I'm at the ready, I send them around, cautiously and carefully, with confidentiality agreements in hand, signed and filed away. We'll see... we'll see.

A conversation with myself

At some point in my life, long ago, I came to the realization that there really is only one person who will have spent my entire life with me, who will know me better than anyone, who will have seen all the things I saw, heard the sounds that accosted my ears, thought my thoughts, questioned my questions. So, it is above all with that person's judgment I must contend: …

Me: So... what's the deal, my friend?

Myself: What do you mean?

Me: Come on. Who do you think you're kidding? ... It's me, remember.

Myself: Yeah. Well... I mean, what do you want?

Me: [waits]

Myself: Okay, okay. You win. [mumbles to self] What's the deal? What's the deal? The deal is... the deal is I hate this game. I hate writing these letters. I hate hearing the endless advice, that simply takes me in circles. What's the point of it all?

Me: It all?

Myself: Yeah.

Me: You mean, ... help me out here. You mean, what exactly? Applying for jobs, for faculty jobs?

Myself: Look, it's not just applying for jobs, it's... I can get a job, okay. I mean I could. I'm not a bum. I've been working all my life. Had my first paper route at nine. I can get a job.

Me: Calm down. No one said you couldn't.

Myself: Yeah, well it's the way you asked, okay? The way you look at me.

Me: [laughs] Look in any good mirrors lately?

Myself: [chuckles] yeah, whatever. I mean, it's just... okay, look, here's the world I'd like to live in. You do your schtick. You impress enough people. They say nice things about you. You show your wares so to speak, your publications and your presentations, and somebody hires you, and gives you a chance to prove yourself.

Me: And this you see, where?

Myself: Hey Rocket lives in that world.

Me: Yeah, but you're not an engineer.

Myself: I could be.

Me: [laughs] And that's what you want, right? ... to go back to school for anoth--

Myself: NO!

Me: Alright then. So... you don't live in her world... at least not her professional world. Big deal. It's got it's plusses I admit. But then, she's not exactly content there either. Not fully, anyway. See, you... you're a different sort. You always have been. Poe's Alone and all that. I mean, most people are content to get a job and work, only then to figure out what they don’t like about it. But you, you always seem to know beforehand. I mean, at least they’re capable of getting the jobs.

Myself: Hey!

Me: Come on, now, it’s me. I’m not judging you. I’m just telling it like I see it. You can’t hide your feelings, never could. Problem is, you always seem to have them figured out ahead of time.

Myself: You saying I can’t interview well?

Me: No, that’s not what I’m saying. At least… not entirely. You'd interview great, for your perfect job! It’s just you haven’t found it yet.

Myself: Tell me about it.

Me: So, what are you going to do then? I mean, it would seem that you’re pretty excited about this research, and applying for patents, and building a firm around those ideas.

Myself: Yeah. Sure. But, um…

Me: [chuckles] What? That doesn’t sound like enthusiasm.

Myself: [laughs] Yeah, that’s the problem. There’s a reason I haven’t followed through on these calls to venture capitalists in the past couple weeks. I don't really want to call around when I'm not feeling up and chipper. I won't exactly convey the level of excitement that I really feel, and that the work deserves. That, and I’ve been quite busy traveling and getting settled teaching again.

Me: Oh yeah. Having fun?

Myself: Yeah, sure. I love teaching. I really do. It’s a rise for sure, like being on stage, only, I get to write the script. You know… one of the kids came up to me after class last week and said “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I’m really enjoying this class. A lot of my other classes are real disappointments, but not this one. I just wanted to tell you that.” You know, you can’t really beat that. Eighty students. It’s no small feat to keep eighty students alive and engaged. I think I’m doing alright.

Me: Yeah, but what about yesterday?

Myself: Yesterday, hmmm. Okay, I guess there's a bit of the impostor syndrome. It's not that I think myself incompetent. But... I'm teaching this non-majors survey class, covering a massive swath of material. Much of that material (in particular what I'm talking about this week) has never captured my interest. So, it's probably my weakest area in [subfield 1].

Granted, I went to grad school for this stuff, and I've taken classes in that particular area, and I've even taught it before. But that was years ago, and frankly it's telling that I forgot much of it in the interim. So, it's tough to keep a good face on it all when I'm not enthused about the material. But that's just this segment.

Maybe I was projecting, 18-19 year olds often look bored in class. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it felt. I just hate it when a student asks a question, and the real and true and honest answer is: gee, you know what, I really forget. I'll have to look that up and get back to you. And normally, I'd be happy to say to a student that I just don't know the answer (I say that a lot)... but in this particular case, I felt like it was material that I've studied, and that I'm pretending to teach. So I mumbled some partial response... good thing it was the end of class. I'll look over my references and have something better to relate on Thursday.

But it did make me rethink my goals and wants. One of the posts I'm looking at, in the Midwest, say 2-3 hours' drive from my inlaws is to teach two sections per term of the same survey class. Do I really want to do that? Sure, I could get stronger on the topics I'm weakest on. It's true (as was portrayed as they key to me by those who hired me at Lemon) that I do know more than my students (even where I'm weakest). But what do I want?

Me: So, then, you want to teach?

Myself: I just don't know. Teach. If only it were that simple. I can teach. But my enjoyment of teaching is up and down, I guess like any job. Mostly, I seem to have trouble getting a goddamned interview. And the few I’ve had haven’t turned into anything.

Me: Fair enough. But you’ve got yourself a teaching gig now. Maybe that’ll help you get your foot in the door. Or… what’s saying you couldn’t stay on at Lemon?

Myself: No… Lemon’s not a long-term prospect. I mean it could be, but we really don’t want to settle here. Too many people, too much congestion, long commutes, too hot… This just isn't home. Rocket & I have been looking through this cities guide we bought. This area has just about the worst possible air quality of anywhere in the country. Some of the highest population density. Probably the most overinflated house prices. There's little to recommend it.

Me: I get it.

Myself: As for the foot in the door… who knows? I must say I feel like I’ve tried everything else. Got an email back today from [my ex-stepdad]. There’s a posting at the university where he teaches. Thought I’d see what he might say.

Me: And?

Myself: Basically he said (these weren’t his words, but it’s the upshot of their meaning) it’s an old boy’s network. Look like them, talk like them, make them think you’re one of them, and you’ve got a shot.

Me: Hmm.

Myself: And me? See… I don’t really look like… well, who knows?

Me: Setting yourself up to expect disappointment?

Myself: Safer that way, isn’t it?

Me: Well, yeah… but then, you might get just what you expect.

Myself: That’s my dilemma. If I expect this season to pan out like the last three, my heart’s just not in it.

Me: And is that what you expect?

Myself: I don’t know. I just don’t know. I guess I probably do, which makes it that much harder to wrap myself around writing up thrilling, exciting (self-indulgent) letters (of self-praise). If I tone it down, and leave it to my recommenders to do the praising, then I’m criticized for not letting my personality show.

Me: [laughs] Well, there must be a balance there.

Myself: I guess I just haven’t found it yet.

Me: So, work on it. Couldn't hurt.

Myself: Alright. So here's the plan moving forward. I look over postings as they come up. I assess 1) does the job as described sound interesting (always dangerous, because who knows how well the write-up reflects the actual job); 2) is it in a location we'd like to live. Period. I'm not afraid to weed out many or most of the postings. The advantage of course to landing a faculty gig is 1) a bit of validation for the PhD and my efforts over the years (I admit this is a weak reason, but it soothes my ego a bit); 2) there's a degree of stability it offers in terms of salary and benefits which we'll likely otherwise forego, for instance if we simply choose a place to move, Rocket takes time off from work, and I build this business.

Me: But it's exciting too. Clean slate.

Myself: Granted.

Me: Besides, if you ever make those calls to VCs, you might just find you've got as much financial security (or more) than a tenure-track post offers. Remember it's not tenure. They give you a couple years to prove yourself, then possibly cut you loose. Maybe you can get 2-3 years of venture capital, including salary and benefits. And worst case, you've got enough savings to survive a couple years, without even touching retirement.

Myself: Well, that depends on where we live, and the cost of living.

Me: Exactly, but that's what you're trying to decide. Apply for those faculty gigs if you like, but plan. No use holding your breath for that. And more importantly, no use continuing to give away your power. It's not for them to decide where you're going to live. There is no them. It's just in your head. They are simply people, or schools, or committees looking to fill their own needs. They don't care one way or another about your needs. That's not a judgment of them. They've got a task to accomplish, fill the faculty slot. Your task is different. Keep that in mind. You don't need to put on their mask if that's not the role you wish to play.

Myself: You're right.

Me: Hey, friend. Let's keep talking. I think this helps.

Myself: You can count on it.

That sinking feeling

It's that time of year again... when academic postings pop up every couple days. Rocket and I have been doing a lot of talking and considering lately. We've settled on a plan to approach any potential academic post with regard to whether we'd like to live in that city even without a post, whether it might for instance afford a favorable climate for raising a family and starting a business. And, we've decided to be more proactive as well, seeking to find a home, should I not land or take an academic job. We bought a "cities ranked and rated" guide, and started setting marks on a map to visualize where we might like to live. We've started to write up a list of our requirements, and our desirables.

But I still feel nauseous and depressed thinking about another season of applying for jobs. I've been so beaten up by looking for academic posts these past three years. It takes me down a notch just thinking about it. It doesn't matter how many times I'm told that this is par for the course (except of course for those lucky enough to land a post fresh out of grad school). It still sucks. It's a system that makes the best and the brightest feel like the neglected and disregarded!

And yet, I can't seem to hate academia enough to just shut the door. Even weeding through the postings, to decide which ones to set aside is exhausting emotionally. Here I am two years after the PhD, finally teaching at a university, enjoying the classroom and the students, in some ways closer to that elusive first tenure-track post, and part of me wants nothing more than to walk away. But there's a bitter taste in my mouth.

Is it the taste of defeat? Would I be running away from that loss? Or would I be moving on? Is it the taste of "geez I can't believe I stayed in this relationship this long"? Or is it "another audition put to waste!" I just don't know.

So, I tread slowly, ploddingly. I go through the motions. My business is still an embryo. Too much feeling of failure in my life, still. I'm just afraid.

Small Breakthrough

On Monday, I came into my office to get a little work done. Rocket had the day off for Labor Day, and we had spent Sunday with the boys and D back in Paradise, where we rented a sailboat, and took in the city's charms. It had been over 100F for about a week, nearly 110F on Saturday, enough for us to escape. Air conditioning in that context doesn't work well. We've only got a small window unit in one room in the house. Because of wiring problems, the circuit will trip if we dare to run the microwave or coffee maker (or just about anything else) while the A/C is running.

My office A/C wasn't much better, but I think it kept the space below 90F. In any case, I finally got my latest program to work (well, sort of -- for every set of data points, in most cases about 300-400, it drops the last one, but at least it's a very close approximation). So, I can get down to the nitty gritty of proofs-of-concept.

I'm still teaching of course, and there've been some annoying snafus on campus, as I mentioned on Friday. Many students still don't have their books. But in comparison to what the Little Rock 9 suffered, these insults are quite tame. So, I'm keeping a good spirit about it all, and counseling my students likewise.

The commute is somewhat as I expected, and since I had realistic expectations, it hasn't truly annoyed me yet (other than the guilt of contributing to congestion and pollution more than I'd like). This still leaves me with 2.5-3 days per week to keep up my research, working on my patents, building my business.

More and more academic job postings trickle into my inbox. I've yet to get enthused about the job season. I haven't applied for any jobs yet this season. I think I will, but I'm not pinning my hopes on that anymore. I'm more interested in prospects that correspond to a place we might like to live (which, yes, is still an open question). If I see a posting that screams my name, well sure I'll jump at it. But I'm not holding my breath.

My research at the moment has little to do with my ostensive subfield, the area in which my degree seems to best qualify me to teach in. So what do I do? Should I apply for academic jobs without mentioning what's really driving me these days, the research on which I am pinning my hopes? Or do I note this in my cover letter, realizing that most committees will scratch their heads wondering why, say, a cook would be applying for a job in gardening. The connection is clear to me. But then, do I really want an academic job anymore?

I'm teaching two classes now adjunct (about 80 students total). My best guess is that's about 2/3 time compared with the time I'd put in to being a full-time tenure-track faculty member. Meaning, of course, that if I took a faculty gig, I'd likely still have 1.5-2 days/week to work on my research and business, plus the summers. Likely more in fact, if one accounts for my current 6-9 hours of commuting per week. Ideally I'd live much closer to campus. Who knows?
____________
And ... tomorrow, the Painter starts kindergarten. Life... is quite full, and really exciting. Grant that we have the strength and courage to make it through the next few months, to find our path, to locate our new home.

One week down

It has been intolerably hot here. Good thing the air-conditioning in my car works. I've spent more time driving this week than I have in a long time.

The commute to Lemon (about 42 miles or so) ranges between 45 minutes and an hour and a half each way, depending on the time of day, and condition of the highways. This week I made four round-trips. I feel a tinge of guilt at driving the distance alone in my car, knowing that I am contributing to the congestion and the pollution. There are simply no viable public transport options. This is not what I'd like to do long-term, not if it can be helped.

I've spent most of this week attending to the details of teaching again. I've actually kept a reasonably relaxed attitude, expecting all the worst. So, when it's occurred, I haven't been too shocked. My card key still hasn't been programmed to give me access to my office. Well, actually it's someone else's office (my friend Sara Chaisano). From what I've been told, I have free access to it on Tuesdays, until 5:00. I guess I just hang out in the conference room or the library on Wednesdays and Thursdays!

I made a special request on Tuesday that they program the card key to allow access to my Wednesday night classroom at least, so I wouldn't have to teach in the hall, or get accommodation from the campus police to open the door for me. That was taken care of.

Little problem in the bookstore: the text for my evening class was canceled and replace with the text for another class, which was listed in the bookstore as missing. So, my students had another courses texts, and their students didn't have any. And for my Tu/Th class, the bookstore only ordered half as many copies as I have students. [SIGH] Par for the course, I guess. Water on a duck's back.

I've enjoyed being in a class again. Fairly large classes (especially without TA sections): 42 in one and 40 in the other. At the community college where I taught before, the sections were mostly 25-30. I'll have to mentally prepare for grading time!

I've been mostly distracted by all the details of getting settled in to the academic setting again. It is a treat to have put that "faculty" parking sticker on my car, and to have received my campus photo ID with "faculty" emblazoned across the top. These accoutrements seem real, even though other aspects of my status there seem otherwise.

The job season is now upon us in earnest too. I've decisions to make whether and which academic jobs I will apply for. Partly, Rocket and I need to clarify for ourselves what our requirements are. Do we wish to limit ourselves to living within four hours of her folks. (My mom, visiting this week, was describing her recent trip to the Provence region of France, to which Rocket said "Provence sounds nice... maybe we could move there.") So, clarification is in order.

One unresolved issue is whether I wish to build my business as a solitary activity, or whether I might not like an academic position as a home base. It's all very confusing. I like teaching. I love research. I feel at home in an academic setting. Yet, I'm bitter, terribly bitter, and disappointed that my PhD has left me little better off (if at all) than before I returned to school. I've become disillusioned of academia in ways. Put another way, just because someone has spent a lifetime in one town, doesn't mean it's really home.

1) Clarification of our requirements and expectations regarding where and how we will live.
2) Decisions regarding whether and which academic positions might fit with those requirements & expectations.

And, oh yeah, I've got to get back to my coding, and preparing proofs-of-concept. That's the task for today.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I enter a new phase. Today, I visited Lemon University to get my faculty ID, and work out all the little details of teaching adjunct. Tomorrow I stand up as a professor (albeit adjoint) in my own classroom, for the first time in 7 years. I'm looking forward to it all in a way. And yet, I am ready to keep moving in my new directions.

Rocket and I are looking to figure out if it might not be feasible to simply pick a locale within about a 4-hour drive of her folks, and plan to jump next summer. I still have a good deal of work to do in preparing my various proofs of concept.

I'm planning to talk seriously with an Intellectual Property attorney, and hopefully file one or more patent applications by the end of the year. I'm also planning to make contact with some Venture Capital firms, and prepare some demonstrations of the technology I'm developing.

The goal is still to have some income for my firm before the baby arrives in February. Will I remain at Lemon for a second term? I don't know yet. They chose to offer me a one-term contract. I might as well use their commitment aversion in my favor. I'll decide when I have a decision to make.

Meantime, I'm hoping to enjoy having a classroom again. I'm looking forward to inspiring and teaching (and learning from the experience).

Are we ready to jump? I don't know. But it's time to no longer be afraid of our choices, to no longer be afraid of the possibilities. Will we find a place within a four-hours' drive of her folks? What will the limitations be of getting venture capital?

So many questions. The next few months should provide the answers.

Conference: Good!

I'm having a great time at [Applied Research Field Industry Conference]. It's been really one thing after another, confirming that I'm the right track, that the methods I'm developing are not really being done by anyone else, and at least as importantly, that they are of interest to a variety of others. There've been quite a few interesting talks and demos. I've been inspired to define a few more challenges and projects to get working on, in response to some of what's been presented (and from conversations I've had after panel presentations and during the receptions).

There's the possibility of some consulting work with a firm in Russia, the possibility of collaborations with a research lab for a European company based in Massachusetts, and interest in the technology I'm developing for possible integration with the software products of another European firm. I become more and more convinced that what I'm doing will work, that it will work fairly soon, that it will be in demand and useful to a variety of clients. This is all very exciting.

Now I just need to finish that coding to get my first proofs-of-concept presentation ready.

Still coding

Apologies to those of you with little interest in or knowledge of programming:

To clarify a point, I needed to create a multidimensional dynamic array, that took input from several files, rather than the keyboard. I also realized in the past couple days, that it were best if I could also create temporary multidimensional dynamic arrays, based on the data in the first ones, to handle the intermediate transformations that the data needs to undergo.

For some reason however, I'm baffled. My earlier attempts today, to simply handle the transformations on the fly so to speak, writing the data directly to a file, through a complex calculation didn't work. This evening, I spent a bit more time creating the temporary arrays, then running the calculations on intermediate data, which in principle should be simpler. But the program keeps faulting out at a certain point.

It's exciting to be on the verge of so much. Yet it's frustrating to have the hurdles and pitfalls elude me. Sleep. I must sleep. Then maybe I can return to this fresh.

In any case, I'm heading off to New York on Sunday morning for [Applied Research Field Industry Conference]. I don't have to solve everything tonight, or this week. In another week, I return to the classroom again, at least for a time. It will be a good test for me. How will I adjust to being a professor (albeit an adjunct)?

This all will come. It just takes time (and patience).

Improving the tool

I keep working on the programming. I don't want to lose my stride. I'm trying to automate as much of the data processing as I can. I think I'll take a break from it now though, to have a look over what I've yet to do for my course preps.

Not much else to report. I've become a hermit of late, focused. Until I get this first proof of concept done (and ideally a couple related ones), I'm pretty mum on it all. If all goes well, they'll provide me enough fodder for writing up the patent applications, and for pursuing funding. Best would be if they lead directly to some consulting or contract work, delaying the day when I'll need outside funding.

It's all coming along nicely.

World-Class Shovel

A few minor disturbances today. My wife called to ask if I could take the Painter to the doctor's office to get his TB test for kindergarten. It's required, which we've known for a while, but because of insurance and doctor hassles we'd been putting it off. Problem is, he starts school in two weeks, I'm out of town next week, and they need the paperwork ASAP. So... I had to take him to a new doctor's office, with the requisite 98 forms to be filled out. It took about two hours to get a 30-second TB test injection. Aaargh!

I've decided another thing. When I enter a doctor's office (or any waiting room) with a loud obnoxious television on, I'll go directly to it, ask with the tone of a judgmental professor whether anyone is watching (I'll forego this if someone obviously is engrossed), then switch it off. It felt so good to turn that thing off!

In any case, it was unexpected time away. I'm trying to get real comfortable with my shovel before I head to [Applied Research Field Industry Conference]. And I'm hoping to leave myself at least one full day before I leave to finalize my initial class preps.

I did some more tweaking of the C++ code, enabling me to process the data more efficiently. I needed to create a multidimensional dynamic array, if you know what I'm talking about. Yesterday's effort succeeded in setting up a dynamic array for my data, then reprocessing it according to my requirements. But I really needed to add the multidimensionality, which will save me a great deal of work. The data I'm dealing with quickly numbers in the hundreds of thousands of data points, so saving time is essential! I'm still mostly clueless when it comes to programming, but drib by drab I'm starting to get it.

Now, about digging those holes...

Big Breakthrough

And wouldn't you know it?... There's no big celebration, no fireworks. Only the immediate realization that only now can the hard work begin.

About 180 lines of code in C++, and I finally cracked a problem that's been daunting me for weeks. I've been trying to figure out a way to compare different sorts of data one to the other, on an even keel. Finally, I've written the tool that will allow that.

It's as if I have 5976 holes to dig, and I've only just now invented the shovel. I guess it's time to get digging.

I've been mentioning this proof of concept that I'm working on. At this stage, I'm ready to start piecing things together. Whether or not I'll be able to pull that off in time for [Applied Research Field Industry Conference] next week (and get my course preps done) is yet to be seen.

But, I'm much more confident that it all can be done in a reasonable time than before I solved this problem.

Maybe it's time to head home and play with the boys. I can work on this more tonight and tomorrow.

Plus this, plus that

What have I been up to?

Mostly... C++. I've worked my way through about 350 pages of the text, finally at the point where I'll get back to some coding. I realize at this point that what I'm trying to do, while in some ways quite simple, really isn't. In a way, that's really good. Because, if it were really quite simple, I'd have a lower confidence level that it's truly new. Because it's so involved, I have greater confidence that it's not likely been done before. Which, to an entrepreneur, is quite a pleasant thing to imagine.

I've not done much work on my course prep this past week. I received my contract last week, which I immediately signed and returned. It arrived about a month later than they had given me to expect it. Point 2 of the contract read, with a sprinkling of bold face, and all caps, that employment for all new part-time faculty is contingent upon attendance at their orientation session. You'd think they could have given new faculty more than two and half weeks' notice, eh?

Fair enough, normally I could attend a meeting with two weeks' notice... except, it happens to be scheduled at a time when I'll be in New York attending [Applied Research Field Industry Conference]. I've sent quite a few emails to various parties trying to ascertain how to proceed. The word I get is that they require it to ensure attendance, but every year there are some people who can't make it. Problem is, I've signed a contract, which by their composition contains a screaming section explaining that my employment is contingent upon fulfilling a requirement that I simply can't fulfill (rather, I'm not willing to cancel my flight and miss the conference).

In terminology I'm familiar with "contingent upon" means that I will not be employed if that requirement is not satisfied. Yes, I understand (from their mollifying remarks) that it's hyperbole, yet it's legal hyperbole, that protects them, not me. Real problem is I can't get anyone in my department or college to respond to my emails requesting an alternate orientation session (which is what I was asked to do by the chancellor's office). My emails have actually been courteous (I'm bitching here to get it off my chest.)

So, do I leave them hanging? Probably not, but this is really annoying, and a bad start to my return to the classroom. We'll see.

Today, then, is reworking my algorithm to more closely fit the way C++ works (at least as much as I know and understand), and beginning to code the initial test program for the proof of concept. Next week, I suppose, I get back to course prep in earnest (unless of course I'm not to be employed). Frankly, the $7700 (for two classes--they only gave me a contract for a single term, though I had been asked to teach the courses for two) couldn't hurt us (especially in today's market), but we won't go hungry without it. I've tried hard not to feel insulted by the payscale, considering I spent six years getting a PhD (after the Master's) in order to qualify for such low pay (and this, AFTER a 7% pay raise!) Granted, it's twice what I was making for teaching at a community college in Colorado 7-8 years ago. But that's little consolation.

Enough. This simply reminds me why I'm heading off into my own work. In that, lies satisfaction, and at least the potential for reasonable compensation.

Plus what?

C++. You know, the programming is not really all that hard. And while creating an algorithm in plain English can be rather involved, it isn't all that hard either. But getting the darn compiler to work... well, that has proven difficult. It's funny, you'd think they'd have some documentation that'd make it easy enough for someone to just get started. I spent over an hour this morning going around in circles simply trying to figure out how to compile and run a simple test program, without first having to figure out about forms and objects and projects... Sheesh!

I finally figured out a way to do so using the command prompt. But I've yet to figure it out within the Borland C++ Builder GUI. Ah well. The command prompt should serve for now.

I believe I shaved three years off my life this morning by the stress of it.

So I've decided that I need to become a programmer, at least initially. I called around to try and find someone I could hire to write me some code, and hopefully tutor me a bit. But I'm tired of waiting. Today's fortune cookie:

You think too much.
Today means action.
Carry out your plan.

And so, that is what I'm trying to do. I've got a conference coming up in New York at the end of this month. It's the big Industry Conference for Applied Research Field. If all goes well, I'll have a working proof of concept to show around. I'd really like to create some buzz. I want people to be surprised and impressed by what I show them.

How could you do that? What did you do? I mean, wow!

That's what I'd like to hear. And the answer would be... sign this non-disclosure agreement please, then I'd be happy to discuss it with you.

I'm close. I'm really close, at least for this initial proof of concept. There's a lot more work (A LOT MORE WORK!) left to do. But that's the exciting part. The point I'm trying to make now is to demonstrate that certain things are possible, even if they haven't been considered before. To some extent it's creating a market for a product that people don't yet think they need.

But we're not talking an umbrella sun hat with a fan. What I'm trying to create will have real-world, everyday applications. It's just people have gotten used to what they've got. Maybe it's like the first cordless phones, or the first digital text files. Before they came along, most people didn't think they'd have cause to walk in the garden while talking on the phone, or read a memo without holding a piece of paper.

I've been working on the algorithm for various proofs of concept. If all goes well, this first one will land me some consulting work, and at least one patent application. There's more to come. But this is a start.

And so, I'm becoming a bit of a programmer.