The fragility of uncertainty

I wait... Three outstanding proposals.

One decision was supposed to be announced last month. It's still unannounced. Not a small deal! A three year contract, enough to hire several new employees, and engage a subcontractor. Still, I wait.

The second, a collaboration with a non-profit medical clinic to modify our technology to an entirely new arena. Waiting for their decision whether it's worth the effort. (It is!) But I have to wait on their market surveys to establish the value.

The third, we don't expect to hear until the end of the summer or beginning of the fall.

I've conducted interviews for new hires. But I can't make offers until I hear about these commitments and know our budget moving forward. Frustrating (for me and them).

I calculate in my mind alternatives, options. All is uncertain. Will my company be around in a year or two? More imporantly, will I be able to continue the R&D that I firmly believe will contribute to bettering lives. One way or another, I'll figure a way.

One way or another.

A Good Week

It's been a good week so far. I'm beginning to settle into things a bit more. It's still a surprise to me to head into the office, and know that I'm the boss, that I'm responsible not only for my ideas, and my work. I'm responsible for a staff, and I'm responsible to my clients to deliver.

Today I submitted the third monthly report on my newer project. (The report due dates are staggered a couple weeks, so I flip flop between the two efforts). We're half way through the first stage contract on the second project. That's all that's guaranteed on this one.

At the end of six months, they get to decide if they want to fund us for another couple years. I think we've better than a 50/50 chance to get the two-year extension, but there's a lot riding on what we deliver over the next few months. Can we convince them that we're really onto something, something untried, but potentially transformative?

It's a new area for us as well. There's certainly a link to the work we've been doing, but the issues are broad and deep. Can I successfully make the case that the problems are extensive but that we've something useful to contribute to their resolution? Only time will tell.

But it's a wonderful position to be in to know that even if not, I've got signed contracts sufficient to sustain myself and my staff (perhaps even another new hire or two) for a couple years.

Yes, I've come to realize that there must be a plan beyond that. I need to see this company to long term viability. At the moment, there really isn't another option (shy of shepherding in New Zealand).

So, I look ahead, and keep on keeping on. Meantime, I'll enjoy my Monday off, and I look forward to a few days or a week at the Lake House in July. All in all, life is pretty good.

Boss

Nearly two weeks down as boss. I'm really enjoying having a fuller staff (and especially knowing that I just may add another one or two employees before the end of the year). It feels so good to be creating jobs, and seeing my employees motivated and inspired by the work.

I'm getting more settled into delegating tasks, and welcoming the benefits and delights of bringing out the talents of others. I've been marinated in administrivia for what seems like the past year, getting ready for these two contracts. And now, they are upon me.

There's still a transition going on. But I'm getting back into the research more and more, which is such a delight! I realize, as I train and explain, that there is a reason I'm in charge.

I didn't go about it the traditional way. I seemed patently incapable of landing a tenure-track faculty post. Yet, today, I've got my grad students and post-docs. I've got cutting edge, challenging, and extraordinarily rewarding research. And I've got what looks to be two to three years of stability.

What an absolute joy to be here!

Very Real

Yesterday, along with welcoming my new crew, I received the draft contract for my big two-year second-stage contract. Seeing it all in writing makes it very real indeed. Day two down. I think I'm getting to like this.

I hadn't written about it before, but my meeting last week with the agency technical lead on my little contract went well. Well enough that, though it's quite a challenge that's been laid down, I think there's a real chance we could turn that into a second-stage contract as well, which would mean another 2-1/2 years on that project as well. Only time will tell. But I'm willing to give it my best effort.

Only two firms were chosen for the first stage, which means (while it's not guaranteed that a second part will be funded) the chances after recieving a first stage award are very good. They only initiate a project if they expect to fund at least one effort to second stage.

And more possible projects keep presenting themselves. As my friend B* recently commented on this blog, "success with current R&D funding makes it more likely" to gain future funding. Sounds good to me.

...and what sort of entrepreneur are we?

So many thoughts rush upon me. As is my practice, I'll just commence writing, then sort it all out. But, let me first say that the Armenian stuffed peppers I just served for dinner last night were a success.

There are a few triggers to my feelings these days:

• My friend Trillwing is anxiously awaiting word re: a campus interview just received an offer of employment for a t-t job, years after taking a somewhat-tenuous staff position.


• My friend BrightStar has been reflecting on the plight of highly qualified, talented, and capable PhDs seeking jobs on the tenure track.


• My friend Mamae in Translation is dealing with the liminality of her husband's career and her own state as recent PhD/mother/expat/seeker.


• A friend from real life (whom I'm coaching informally) is struggling with a decision to shirk off a rather unsatisfying career as a public school math teacher, and wondering where it will land him.


• And finally, the beginning of my transition from lone researcher with some funding, to owner and director of a research firm with a staff of five, and two funded projects to sustain us for a couple years.

By necessity, I consider my state, test the wind, and wonder what range of freedom I embrace as I set the sails for a new journey. Next week, I fly to meet with my agency technical lead for a new project on a contract I've just received. I wonder at just what he'll expect me to deliver, and whether he'll be satisfied with my proposed approach. What a world of difference, to muse that if I lost the $70,000 this "little" contract represents, I'd be fine any way.

I have now an income easily more than twice what I might have expected (and been happy with) as a freshly hired assistant professor just two or three years ago. I have every reason to believe that this state is secure for at least the next two years (not too different from what I might have expected pre-tenure). I am, on my own, responsible for hiring and supervising a handful of employees, paying them what is in line with reasonable expectations, especially considering that the cost of living here is 15% below the national average.

Truth be told, my commitments are to my research more than to any salary, they are to my family more than any particular career path. Part of me wonders if I too hastily dropped out of the academic race, whether I might not have gotten a tenure-track offer somewhere somewhen.

But I forget how happy I am, how free I am to pursue my own research, how much better compensated I am, how I am able to decide where I live and when or if I'll move, and how much control I have over all those factors. I forget how many committee meetings I don't have sit in on, how I can avoid the worries over tenure, how if a coworker rubs me the wrong way, I have the power to redress it.

Sure, the life of an entrepreneur isn't free of worries. I worry about the path this venture will take. I struggle with a vision for the business, not just the challenges of research for its own sake. I work to balance exciting and meaningful research with the need to produce saleable products. So far, I avoid the draw of seeking outside investment. I fear that an investor with money to put in may be primarily concerned with taking money out. But how long can I sustain this on my own? How long will I be able to attract R&D funding?

But these new worries are my own. I own them with my very being. I am myself, more wholly than ever I was in academia. And here too I am an outsider. Happily enough so!

More Interviews, More Life

I was saying the other night to RocketMom that my professional life today is better than I imagined when I entered graduate school, better even than I imagined when I completed the PhD. I thought I'd go to school, write my dissertation, marking off some niche of research interests, present my conference papers, publish some articles, a couple books; I'd get a professorship somewhere, moving up the ranks from Assistant to Associate, maybe Full Professor some day, possibly Chair or Dean; I'd teach my requisite 2 or 3 classes per term, sit on a few (too many) committees; advise students (sometimes invigorating, sometimes depressing); and continue on, adding interests, classes, or assignments here or there, dropping those that fail to hold my (or others') attention.

But here, now... I'm free, and involved. My research projects are self-directed, though with ever an eye to market needs (however that market is defined). What are the real world problems out there that touch on my research interests (there are many!)? Which of those can I bite off and chew? Which of those can I attack and resolve? How can I present my work to convince others to support that research, that I will succeed in the effort? So far I've done a pretty good job at that.

Yesterday, I held my second daylong interviews session. The first one, in November, resulted in one new full-time hire (starting this Spring). Hopefully yesterday's session will result in one or two more new hires. I am decided on an offer to one of them; the second I'm still deliberating over. It's all in my hands. That's a burden, and a pleasure.

We passed through the agency accounting audit with "no major deficiencies" noted. Everything is moving into place; everything is just clicking. I'm no longer really waiting for the bad news to arrive. But I am curious whether it'd even perturb me at this point. It's like having the car you always dreamed of, but understanding that it may get a scratch or a bump now and again.

At a recent entrepreneurship gathering, I developed a new image of my relationship to the business. I used to think of my business as being coterminus with my research. But I decided a better image is that the business is the vehicle I drive to carry me and my research from one location to the next. There may come a time when I outgrow the transport, take my things out of the trunk, and pass it along to a new driver, or the junk yard. For now, the vehicle is quite dandy. I think I can handle a few dents and dings.

Catching up

So much to say. I'll just start and see where it leads:

• I'm now patent pending. A long and somewhat arduous process. But it's done and submitted, with the blessing of my patent attorney. About $5000 down, and perhaps two or three years to wait. But I can open my mouth now (a bit) and let the world know what I've got and how I intend to use it (at least as much as I dare).
• I just had a big audit today from the government agency that oversees contractors. I think... I passed, which means I may be okayed (in the next couple weeks... paperwork takes time) to proceed to the two year contract! Yippee! Well, almost. I'll drink a toast when the contract is in hand.

Well, those are the two biggies! I have been considering lately inviting investment in my company. I've realized over the past six months or so, as I've been buried in administrivia (yes, entrepreneurs too, not just faculty), that what I most want is to focus on the research. I had been thinking that taking on investors might be a means to facilitate that. I had been thinking that selling off a bit of the company might be a way to buff up the cash-on-hand in order to hire some more staff for administrative details, and that it might permit me to acquire the expertise and commitment of others to the success of the enterprise, whose money would be on the line as well.

It's not entirely past tense, but it seems to be moving there. See, one of the issues that has arisen lately, as I approach the point where I actually have this two year contract in hand (as well as a full staff of employees, with salaries and benefits to cover), is that the government pays in arrears. The company invoices about once a month for expenses already incurred, and about a month later they pay. Okay... so what covers those two months of expenses? Problem, you see?

When it was just me, I could pay myself a couple months later. That was the plan, you see: We moved somewhere we could afford, and we calculated that our savings could cover us for a while. But now those savings are significantly diminished, in large part because we put a big chunk into buying this house, then another even bigger chunk into buying the office building. And... I can't expect new hires to be happy enough to go a couple months without pay. So... I have to be creative.

In the past week, I've gotten word from one bank that they'd be willing to issue me a line-of-credit sufficient to cover those expenses. But I'd have to pledge my personal savings and such (you know, things like the house and cars), and pay about 6% interest. It's possible the state may offer my firm a bridge loan at 2% (but they aren't exactly quick in making a decision). So, I'm still considering taking investment, but not entirely enthusiastically.

Meantime, woo hoo! I... I can't believe I'm here, that I'm sitting on top of a company doing the most exciting research I can imagine, creating jobs, owning a home and an office. All is well in the land of us. What a change!

Emerging Reality

Two years ago, I stood before classrooms of 40 students three days per week, for a paltry $15,000 a year, with no benefits, no office, no job security, and a 10-12 hour a week commute. I begrudgingly resigned, not only from that post, but from the academic job search, which had included about 150 applications over five years. I left... but I had no plan, other than a drive and commitment to find some means to practical applications for my ideas.

During the past two years, I've moved with my wife and three sons from Southern California to the Midwest; bought a house; established two companies (one to conduct R&D; the second to purchase and lease a building as office space to the first); I've received two federal contracts for R&D, been selected to receive a third from a different agency; and am in the administrative holding tank to receive a two year contract on the first project. Yet a third agency is reviewing another project for a federal R&D grant (I've been told that I should hear definitively within the month).

I'm interviewing several parties in the next few weeks, with the intention to hire two or three during the next few months, paying them multiples above what I made as an adjunct, along with generous benefits. And, I'm taking care of myself as well. I didn't set out to become a CEO. I set out to sustain my research, and to render it meaningful and useful beyond the ivory tower. I am on the cusp of doing just that.

Next week, I close on the building. Next month, I will make decisions about new hires. Then, to purchase new computers and equipment, finalize the administrative details of everything, and get back to my work. My heaven is pretty cluttered, full of activity, sprinkled with uncertainty, and sure looks a lot like the world on earth. It's just... a different world than I've been used to.

*** Oh... and by the way, they reopened the post across the sea. I don't think I'll re-apply. I'm a bit busy these days.

Distinctly Unpleasant Position

Another application arrived today. A doctoral candidate (on the verge of defending) from across the sea. So far, I have eight applicants for three positions: two with Bachelor's degrees; two Assistant Professors; two relatively local; two from foreign countries; one recent PhD (about a year ago); and three about to defend. Not one like me. Odd. I thought there would be. I find myself in the distinctly unpleasant position of knowing that I must turn away most of these applicants, some with truly impressive credentials; all with great potential. And I find myself realizing as well that I am not quite certain what it is I need them to be doing, or just how I should evaluate them. Thankfully, I've enlisted a handful of others to help me make those decisions.

All I know for sure is that it were a super-human feat to deliver all I've promised on schedule without help. And I know that there is sufficient funding at my discretion to hire that help. My intern remarked today--as I sent off the (hopefully) final draft of my second stage proposal, work plan, and budget--that he has worked for me nearly four months, and he's not quite sure what I do. And that is fair, because most of the time he's been in my employ, I've spent on administration and proposal rewrites and patent preparations and building purchase and travel and meetings and conferences and learning accounting procedures and project management and planning and human resources and... [EXHALE INHALE].

When my patent attorney asked me earlier in the week... and then, okay, so then what do you do? I nearly lost it. Not in anger mind you, just in frustration, in wondering yeah... what do I do? Procedures, algorithms, steps. What's novel? It's there, I know it. It works. I've demonstrated that, at least preliminarily. That's why I've gotten this funding.

But it's been nearly as much time since I've worked concentratedly on the research as I spent under the first part of my first contract. Now I'm under the second half of that first contract; I have an entirely new first stage contract starting in perhaps a month or two, for an entirely different project; and the second two-year contract on the first project is expected in due course, with the expectation that I'll be leading a team of researchers to deliver! Plus I still have two more proposals outstanding: one which has been pending review since November, and which I'd just as soon forget; but the other which I remain confident about.

So what then? I've already got budgetted full-time work for four people with part-time assistance from two others for the two existing projects. If one of these others comes through, that'd mean likely another two or three new hires. And the company remains at the moment in essence just me, with an intern 8-10 hours a week, and a wife who's agreed to take on some administrative and project management duties perhaps 4 hours or so per week. Don't get me wrong... I'm not complaining... just flabbergasted, and a bit stressed. I'm eager to return to the heart of the work. But there are so many steps just getting there.

There are times that I have lamented not having a classroom, because I love teaching. And yet, I realize this is all about teaching. My present is about training people in the research and procedures that are closest to my heart and mind. This is all about me, about my work, about my ideas. It's humbling really. To some extent this must be what it's like to teach from your own textbook in an area that you specialize in.

I have a great responsibility. I'm no longer simply putting my own reputation on the line. So what? You make a few mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But I'm on the verge of hiring a few others, teaching them what I do and how, and overseeing their efforts to coax my kernels into a field of corn. What I am offering others is risk, raw, unadorned. I'm peddling my own elixir, and seeking those who'll have enough faith in its healing powers not only to sell it on to others, but to imbibe of it themselves.

Wish me luck: to find those people, yes; but more importantly to ensure that the elixir requires no antidote.

Patent Humility

Drafting a patent is exhausting and humbling! I've begun working with a patent attorney. Being put on the spot to explain one's innovation to a novice is quite a feat, especially when said novice is a somewhat impatient (though clearly competent) attorney. The trick is maintaining my self-confidence that the innovation really exists.

One essential ingredient to any presentation is knowing your audience. This holds for patent work as well. The problem is: how do you know your audience? And if you don't know your audience, you need to assume they'll have essentially no knowledge or background that you can draw from, even though you must also assume that they will have a great wealth of materials to access to compare and contrast the ideas you present. And so, we proceed by defining terms: you know like "more than one," because it's not safe to assume self-evidence.

[AUDIBLE SIGH]

Checking off tasks

Putting my ducks in a row:

• Met yesterday with a regional business startup group, gave a short presentation on my company, and got matched with four local executives/entrepreneurs to serve as mentors.
• I'll be meeting with a patent attorney later this week, to move ahead with initial patent applications.
• I have (only) six applications in hand for my three researcher positions. Hopefully more will arrive by the end of the week. I think there's at least one or two in the pool I'll be able to make an offer to.
• Still working on finalizing the proposal for the second stage of my big contract.
• Still awaiting official contact for negotiating details of the new first stage contract (though I'm happy with the delay, since it might give me some more time to bring on staff).
• Closing on the office building at the end of the month.
• Eagerly hoping to be finished with the bulk of these administrative tasks soon, so I can get back into the heart of the R&D.

So Odd

The applications have been trickling in. Tonight I received my second application from a standing assistant professor. It's so odd to be receiving materials, to be on the hiring end, to get these respectful, deferentially worded letters—Dear Dr. Dad... thank you for the opportunity to apply...)—eager, enthusiastic, hopeful. I remember so well the effort I put in. The one I received tonight shows enormous energy, and impressive credentials.

I wonder how many more I will receive before the deadline in a week and a half. Will I really be able to hire the best? Will I pale in comparison to their accomplishments and potential? How many nearly-best applicants will I have to pass over, simply because I haven't the funds (like so many departments) to hire more? Will what I have to offer them actually satisfy? I thought I'd be vetting unemployed PhDs, those like me who've spent inordinate effort for nothing. But I've yet to receive an application from that sort. Either they've just finished or are about to finish their doctorate (in one case, only a Bachelor's degree), or they're already Assistant Professors. Where are the mes of the world?

I've created the post I was looking for. But I'm no longer applying; I'm the boss. How odd. How truly odd. And the chickens are not yet home to roost. Something could always fall through. The two year contract may be delayed, or fail to get finalized. I don't expect it (at this point it's highly improbable), but I've grown leery of overconfidence, and I've gained a rooted sense of pragmatism. I know that whatever occurs, I'll be fine. The boost in my confidence and the validation of my research that I've gotten over the past couple years is enough to sustain me for quite a while.

Even in the worst case, however, we won't lose our house. I'd still be able to cover the mortgage on the new office building downtown for a couple years. I worry about those hopefuls whom I'd be forced to disappoint, the ones who by right I ought to hire, whom to be honest I would be thrilled and honored to work beside.

I remain confident that things will continue to progress. I have this second project commencing in the next couple months. I have transitional funding from my first project through the end of the year. And the two-year follow on contract remains only a few (albethey significant) formalities away.

If all goes well, I will be hiring some of the choice candidates in the coming months. I will move into my new office in the next month. I will have stable and rewarding employment for the next couple years.

Joni Mitchell's words and Judy Collins' voice best sing my life today:

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels,

the dizzy dancing way you feel

when every fairytale comes real...

But now friends are acting strange

They shake their heads and say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

in living every day...

Hard to be humble

Busy busy. I'm losing interest in waiting for bad news. It begins to seem that bad news would be a grain of salt in a glass of iced tea. Who'd notice?

I attended part of [ARIC 2009] earlier in the week. Interesting how much of the work of attending a conference takes place outside the events of the conference. The sessions I did attend (and the conversations I had incidental to them) furthered my belief that nobody is doing what I am.

Monday, I had a nice sit down at the conference with the agency project lead of my ongoing effort. I got the distinct impression that she's on my team, so to speak. She validated from her standpoint that the technology I'm developing is unique. She confessed that all of the other proposals were pretty much the same. I asked about the decision to fund two firms at the second stage rather than just one; she confirmed my suspicion that it was motivated by an interest to fund my R&D, which they deem quite promising and potentially transformative, but also to hedge their bets by supporting the current state of the art in the field. Perfectly reasonable. Now, I just have to deliver.

Then, on my way back, I got an email on my phone at the airport, notifying me that the evaluation process had been completed on one my other outstanding proposals, for a new stage one effort I've called [Compression]. Finally, I get some closure. The email directed me to visit their website and log on to check the status. Aaarrgh! I didn't think logging into a secure website on my phone (even if I could) would be advisable, so it had to wait until I got home four hours later. I logged onto the site, followed the path noted, and read the word in the status column: selected.

Um... what? I was speechless. All I could do was call my wife's name, and point to the screen. That's a second project, loosely related to the first (buliding on one of the incidental byproducts, in an entirely novel direction). I had thought it a long shot. But I was encouraged by the topic author to propose something after we talked on the phone for 10 or 15 minutes. Again, the first stage of funding is for a proof-of-concept. If that succeeds, there's another two year contract waiting for full-blown R&D.

But I still haven't made any new hires, though now I might consider hiring four rather than three. I'll likely be starting this second effort concurrently with the first, on my own, before I bring anyone else on board. Wow!

In other news, we had the building inspection today. No surprises. Everything is looking up.

Shut Revolving Door

I scratch my head so often, I think there's a bald spot appearing:

Dear Articulate

The [University of Farfaraway] would like to thank you for your time in applying for [Position].

Unfortunately, the University has decided not to proceed with recruitment for this position at this time. It may however, be readvertised at a later date.
...

___________________________________________

Deric,

What happened? I just got word that the recruitment for [Position] has been cancelled.

The timing works out fine for me, since I’ve got a two year contract for R&D despite a lack of university affiliation. That’ll keep me busy for the time being. But I wonder that the cancellation means no applicant’s credentials were deemed suitable.

After 150 faculty applications, I’m used to shrugging my shoulders and wondering what more I could be asked to offer. But the disappointment remains. At this stage, I’m more interested in keeping the research alive. I’m lucky to have my research funded, but it’d be nice to stay in touch with related researchers. Do let me know what you can. I’m happy to stay in touch.

Articulate

___________________________________________
[Five minutes later]

Hi Articulate,

No not cancelled, rather it has been decided to readvertise (within the month) as a mid/senior level position rather than exclusively as a senior one.

All the best,

Deric

Sometimes, I can't be sure which doors are closed, and which I've propped open.

Am I ready?

Big changes. Lots of waiting. Lost time, dissipated energies.

Today, I'll be putting down the earnest money for the building purchase. I hope to make a decision by mid-week regarding what bank I'll be working with for the mortgage. I have preliminary commitment from one, and should receive word from the other today. I've asked each for a written estimate of costs and terms, so I can compare them.

Soon I'll have an office building, not just a one-room space like I had in SoCal before heading to these parts. I'll have some resumes to review in the next couple months, and likely three full-time employees come next year. I've got to negotiate salary and benefits, assign tasks, provide training, establish expectations, oversee the projects.

I shake my head. I sit in my swivel chair, jeans and a tee-shirt, knees akimbo leaning against the armrests. feet on the seat, fingers tapping the keys, elbows between my open legs. I'm not the image of a businessman, a high-powered negotiator.

I've had trouble lately getting back into the research. I've been overwhelmed by all the logistics: the proposals, and statements of work; the legal wranglings, establishing, registering and organizing a partnership for the building purchase; researching tax ramificiations; writing and rewriting and tweaking budgets and accounting methods; writing and distributing job descriptions; worrying over patent issues and protecting intellectual property (including how to deal with employees, and the proper guidelines and documents).

I've been distracted by the wait: to hear back from the three agencies I have outstanding proposals submitted to; from job applicants; from the university across the sea that has had my application for two months now; and from my funding agency to finalize the two-year contract I'm anticipating (which may remain unsettled for a few months yet, as it works its way through the myriad offices that need to sign off).

I turn back to the research, now months since I worked on it in earnest: I realize I've got to start over, piecing together the tools, trying to understand my notes, relearning the coding and programming that I've let lapse. There's a sinking worry in the pit of my stomach: Have I let it go too much? But that's the challenge of an entrepreneur, at least one of my ilk. It's all on me, and sometimes that means letting one thing go in order to attend to others.

Partly, I'm still awaiting official commentary and feedback from my agency lead. It's hard to move ahead with a project until the direction I've outlined has been approved. It's like heading out for Georgia, but wondering if I'll be asked to arrive in Nevada instead. So, I circle around, waiting for guidance.

It'll all come back, I'm sure. I'm mostly just worried over the report I have due around the end of the month, and just how I can word it to reflect the substantial (but mostly administrative) issues that have preoccupied me most of the time since the second part of my contract was approved.

Listen to Gopnik

Here's an interesting article in yesterday's New York Times on the intelligence of infants and young children, by Alison Gopnik, a specialist in the subject. Lessons to be heeded.

Back to the plan?

Today, RocketMom headed out of town with the two younger boys to pick up our oldest at his grandparents. He's been there for the week attending a summer camp. I had my intern over this morning for a few hours, then... I've been alone. I think perhaps this is the longest I've been alone at home since we moved here. It's been a time to reflect on things. I realize how important my family has become to my sense of self, how much of my motivations and quotidien decisions circle around being part of a domestic group.

It's been a time for me to reflect on where I am in life, and where I'm going. I submitted my second stage contract proposal earlier in the week. I'll still need to work up a contract with them. But it seems ever more expected that this will simply go. I can't quite bring myself to disbelieve it... but I remain amazed at how far I've come these past few years. And I'm hoping to submit yet another new grant proposal in the next couple weeks. That'd make four outstanding proposals, on top of the expected two-year contract. Each one of them represents the potential to hire another one or two or three additional employees over the coming year or so.

Some of you have followed me on this journey from desperate academic seeker to whatever I've become. Three years ago, I wrote:

I know where I want to be in 5-10. I want to be director of an interdisciplinary institute or center on my area of study, bringing together researchers and faculty from a variety of disciplines and methodological backgrounds to focus on the subject matter.

I find myself, three years later on the verge of heading just such a team. Not quite the plan I had. In some ways, more independent. I'm not running an insititute or a center, I'm running a start-up, a bootstrap as they say (meaning not a penny from investors, just me). I've gotten two contracts, and a third on the way, enough to hire a small team. And it's all on me.

There's an ad I've seen on the web, showing a business card, that slowly adds more and more titles: President, CEO, Accountant, HR, Receptionist. I chuckle. It's not a joke. I'm the grants writer, and the payroll specialist, the PI, and the maintenance engineer, the purchasing agent, and the janitor. But soon, oh so very soon (even if it's months away), I'll be the director of my very own hand-picked research team, engaged in my very own hand-picked projects.

It's humbling. And inspiring. It's what I wanted those years ago. In a sense. The odd thing is: I fell into this role, being an entrepreneur, a business owner. Looking over things, I came across a post over at BlogHer by my friend Leslie , that linked to some of my posts from early 2006, when I was still in the thrall of academia, wanting so much to just persevere long enough to make it. I never did, at least not in that realm... but oh I held on.

It's just somewhere along the path, I meandered. I tired of the monotony of application, rejection, application, rejection, appli... Finally, I emerged, hesitantly, uncertainly. Less than a year ago I got word of my first contract four years after completing the PhD. Four .. very .. long .. years. Only a month ago, I got word that the transition funding was approved, and that I was invited to submit a two-year contract.

This is all still new, the paint is still drying. Yet another chapter in my life is about to begin. Wow!

Moving on

I spent the day preparing my application materials for the gig across the sea. Sent! Their email confirmation noted:

Your application will be considered by a selection committee, which generally occurs within two weeks of the posted closing date. Our next contact with you will be to advise whether you will be invited for an interview.

Wow... that's refreshing. Efficiency. So, now I put it out of my mind, and worry about possibilities if they arise. Meantime, I've got patent applications to prepare.

Applying for the research job was just something I thought I ought to do... well, something which I wanted to do. But I'm perfectly content whether they consider me or not. My self-worth no longer rests on validation from academia. I am utterly convinced of the value of my ideas. Those who are funding my research obviously are as well.

We shall see what becomes. Either way I'll be fine.

Circles

To borrow an image from undine: it would seem that life does move in circles:

Subject: Assessing Potential Interest

Deric,

Your search announcement sent via the [Interdisciplinary Research Association] list piqued my curiosity. I've been interested in [University Research Facility] at least since I had applied there for a post-doc five years ago. I wanted to know if you'd be interested to receive an application from me under this notice. I believe there is a great deal of convergence between our research. Attached is the first part of a recent grant application I submitted on behalf of my firm. If awarded this would be a six-month effort, beginning early 2010.

Please note that I am currently under obligation to another contract for research and development regarding [focus of R&D, and details of awards]. The last of these is a two-year effort, for which I expect to hire 3 post-docs. My time allocation for those two years is about half-time.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Articulate
_________________________

Dear Articulate,

I have just read over your proposal, and it seems to be a very interesting approach. While I do not have your full CV, and so cannot judge your publications and such, I do think an application from you would be a good idea. Since your last application, [University Research Facility] has become more and more oriented to [general area of my R&D]. I look forward to hearing more from you!

Best,
Deric

Deric Dunlap, Director, [University Research Facility]

The posting in question is for a five-year fixed term Senior Research appointment (at a rank equivalent to a U.S. Associate Professor w/o tenure) with "excellent potential for tenure". It's at a well respected interdisciplinary research lab at a large regional university (not in the U.S.) recognized for its "capacity to carry out successful collaborative research partnerships" with business, government and community involvement.

Snowballs

... rolling downhill.
This morning, I received an email from someone I had met at a conference in 2004 in Europe, while I was still a PhD Candidate. She's about to graduate now. She was writing to me in response to my posting a few weeks ago for preliminary interest regarding a possible post-doc position with my firm. She'd be great! I've got firm interest from another colleague of mine (a cohort from graduate school who started with me, but who's only now managed to file his dissertation in my secondary field, not my primary).

I'm feeling really good about the team I'm putting together. Wow! I can hire these people at a decent post-doc rate, and have them help me propel the research forward.

This morning I sent a note to the CEO of a company whom I had met a few years ago at [Industry Conference] when I first got interested in applied research. I wanted to ascertain if they had any interest in subcontracting for me on my Stage 2 contract. He wrote back that yes, they were very interested. We'll talk tomorrow on the phone to discuss details.

I'm a little anxious about ensuring that we have mutual protections for our IP, and that we execute a reasonable partnership agreement that permits both of us to benefit from the collaboration, but which doesn't unduly "give away the farm." I think we can manage it. I'm willing to pay attorney's fees to ensure that.

But it's all happening fast. The project director for the agency that's sponsoring my Stage 2 effort wrote to me yesterday with a few points to consider in my proposal, and closed:

We were pleased with the technical work you provided in the first Stage and look forward to working with you as we move forward.

Oh yeah! Can I just say... I like being pat on the back. I really can't express quite how excited I am to be where I am, to be validated (ever so belatedly). This is just a start I know. But I'm feeling so on top of things. The research means so much to me, and knowing that it's valued! The money could fall through. The contracts could dissipate. And... you know what? I'd be fine. We'd be fine.

But, I have no plans to shoot myself in the foot. I want to do this right. I'm taking my time, and double-checking everything. I'm almost done with my draft proposal. I wanted to have it done today, but it wasn't quite ready. I should be able to finish it up in the morning. Then it's the mad dash to finish and submit another proposal due early next week. Then back to polishing the draft into a final. And soon I'm back to the project.

I'll try to fly both of my prospective post-docs in (probably at the same time, or overlapping, so they can meet each other) in the next couple weeks. The chicken's are beginning to hatch. I'm almost ready to start counting.