Clearing the decks

My ship is tethered to shore, firmly holding against wind and waves in this protected inlet, yet like an eager horse, tied to post, awaiting freedom to fly.

I need to clear the decks, in preparation for the journey. A few weeks ago, I agreed to pen a brief (2000 words) biography of my dissertation protagonist, for a set of library volumes. It's not so much. I considered writing my regrets, and recommending a colleague (the one who got the post I almost had three years ago). But it won't hold me down too long. A commitment is still a commitment.

Then, there's a book chapter (culminating from the conference I gave a plenary address at last summer in the UK). I'm supposed to prepare an abstract for that by January 11, and a final chapter submission by end of October 2008. Should I still write it? Does it matter any more?

I wonder at these little milestones, that I used to believe meaningful, that might have served in my tenure portfolio as evidence of productiveness. Now I view it more as tying up loose ends, not disappointing those counting on my word, not cheapening my word by backing out. But they hold little meaning for me anymore, little hope that their reach shall be broad.

I am sad.

Today is different though. The sadness does not consume me. There is no depression in my heart. Resentment has left me. I am me, unadorned, free. There are choices that I have made in my life, commitments that I will hold to. I have a family I adore.

And... I have dreams, and passions. I met my wonderful wife in 1994 as we both entered graduate school. We've passed through many things since then. I wondered out loud the other night, which one my many selves it was that Rocket fell in love with. She replied that she fell in love with a dreamer, overflowing with passion and ideas.

Let the dreams begin (again)!

A good day

We promised the boys, iff we were able to get everything packed up today and tomorrow (save whatever we leave for the movers), we'd be able to spend most of Monday and Tuesday simply having fun. Despite a few frustrations (understandable when you're expecting a three-year-old and a five-year-old to entertain themselves), they were rather helpful and creative. They even helped us pack a few boxes. We got a lot done today. I'd even venture that it was our most productive packing day for the past couple weeks.

We'll walk to the ice cream parlor (does anyone else use that term?) for dessert, then a bath for the boys when we return. There's still a lot to pack, but I think we're on top of things now. Frankly, I'm more worried about the cleaning up. But then, it's only money. They required a rather hefty security deposit upon renting (two months' rent), which amounts to close to a month's worth of living expenses on our new budget. So, it'd be nice to get the lion's share of it back. But, there are things out of our control.

The property managers switched a few months after we started renting. The house is owned by an old (and somewhat senile) woman, whose children have been bickering, and accusing each other of embezzlement and neglect and such. We rented from the son and daughter-in-law (who were marvelously supportive), then the daughter and son-in-law took over the reins with a rather different philosophy on maintenance (she actually asked the electrician--who had been called last summer, when the temperature was above 109F, because the power would go out everytime the air conditioner kicked in, largely because more than half of the house was on a single circuit--does it have to be repaired?... I mean, it's been like that for forty years!)

She came by last week (with her rental agent!) to do a "walk through". Um... it won't be clean yet. Yeah, yeah, I understand. She sent us an email: the carpet was new when you moved in. Um, yeah... but now it's not... it's been lived on for two years. In any case, I see her working herself up for retaining as much of our deposit as she can muster.

But.... but, it's only money. I am so ready for this chapter to be done. Keep it all and I'll be a bit miffed. But I vow not to raise my blood pressure fretting over it. We do what we can. We're having the carpet professionally cleaned, and we're scrubbing and patching, and painting what we can.

Meantime, there are bigger fish to fry, and a whole wonderful new chapter of our lives to start writing. I set a big goal today: before half of our savings are depleted (figuring we've got two years of living expenses), I will get my first investor or first contract for the business.

Today, the weather here has been in the 80s, touching 90 I believe. They forecast a low of 50s tonight. Meanwhile fresh snow falls on the large corner lot of our new home (with a corner lot's sidewalk to clear). The weather gods are not being kind to us... or perhaps they're just testing our resolve. Any recommendations for a good snow shovel (or snow blower)?

Keeping Bridges

One recent astute observation from my father-in-law accosts me. My in-laws are visiting us this week. I had mentioned that I hadn't decided on whether to prepare the abstract for the book chapter I'd tentatively agreed to write. He said simply: well, it's always good to keep bridges open.

Indeed.

I've recently been urging Rocket to be accepting of all her selves, to listen to them, not too hastily reject one for another. It is complexity that makes us whole. Who really plays one role in life?

And so, I think of Trillwing's hyphenation. It's funny what listening to our advice to others can do. Right now, as I shrug off the vestment of the seeker of a professorship, it is not always easy to see without bias, to accept without acrimony, that I still do love the academy, that scholarship is a true part of my being.

I am disappointed, yes. But then, I am sometimes disappointed with my children. That does nothing to diminish my love for them. [How odd to pose myself now as parent to the academy, I who have ever been its child, lavishing in its warmth (even when that "warmth" has proven bitter cold)]. Who among us plays one role?

I think of a line from one of my mother's (rare) poems ... and the parents now appear as children...

I do pass into the next chapter of my life, but (like Kundera perhaps) I shall weave an essence through it all that binds one to the other.

Suddenly Dad

Today, I administered the first of my two finals. Several of the students wished me well or embraced me, knowing they might never see me again, thanking me "for everything". I have yet one more final to write and administer (on Wednesday night). Then lots and lots of grading.

D, our au pair since the end of July has found a new family. We decided to forego the extension. We just couldn't justify the expense for a need we no longer felt we had. But she'll be leaving us suddenly, tomorrow! I wish her well. She was able to watch the boys today, which helped. Rocket will plan to be home early on Wednesday, so I can head into traffic by 4:30 (necessary for me to get down there in time to grab a bite before the exam begins at 7:00).

Rocket is officially telecommuting two days per week, so we'll likely both work from home on tomorrow and Thursday (I, mostly or entirely just grading), trading off keeping the boys company. I'll be on full-time dad duty during the day Wednesday and Friday, and through Thursday of next week, as she finishes up her loose ends. Friday would normally be a day off for her (still on the 9-80 schedule)... making Thursday her final day.

That's the end of something. We're all home then, suddenly! For now, I'll still keep my office, and will plan to keep plugging away on patent development and coding my proofs-of-concept. But I'm no longer on anybody's schedule but my own. I suspect I'll be content to work 5 or 6 hours a day.

We'll have time to leisurely pack over the next couple months, to purge, throw away, give away, or donate whatever we can do without. We've got research to do about where precisely we'll be moving, and about our options for moving our things. We've got to research about health insurance. I'm no longer expecting Miwla to call (though of course they may yet). I can't say that I won't be half-relieved if they don't. Then the decision is easier to make. I won't have to consider whether their offer represents something good, bad, or neutral.

In the meantime, I've been selling off equities holdings, and transferring more of our money into bonds and cash. I'd like to keep a year to 18-months liquid and accessible. If we decide to buy a place, we'll need the cash for a down-payment. We'll just have to see.

One at a time:

• Exam #2: write and administer
• Enjoy my boys
  
• Grade both exams, final assignments, extra credit
• Enjoy my boys
  
• Register grades
• Enjoy my boys
  
• Celebrate our freedom!
• Plan for the next chapter
• Prepare for and enjoy the birth of #3
• Move on
  

The journey is good.

Packing nostalgia

I am 40 years old. I have lost count of how many places I have called home in my two score years. What I can tell you is that I have only once lived in the same place for more than four years (that was during elementary school, first grade through the beginning of sixth grade). Mostly, two years is a chapter.

Somehow, I have managed to accumulate and retain a great deal of stuff. Every move presents a chance to reminisce, and to purge. There is something freeing about tossing items I've long held on to, but which offer me little more than added weight and bulk. But how do you know? Sometimes I remember sadly a package of items I once tossed only to regret the loss of memory that tossing has meant.

Life, like a river, flows.

Cleaning my plate

No house guest at the moment. My mom arrives on Friday. This is the first day Rocket had to pack the two younger boys into the van, and drive to pick up Painter from kindergarten. I'm at the office. This is new. She seems to have survived. I called to check.

And we're both surviving our latest push to get the Inventor fully potty-trained. It's a struggle. But we seem to be making progress. At least, there are a few successes to accompany the daily accidents.

That is one part of my life: being a parent. A part, which I have chosen freely, and which (despite its frustrations) I fully embrace.

Having finished and submitted the promised biography (of the protagonist of my dissertation) last week, I find myself essentially with a clean plate. Sure, I have this book chapter to write, but the deadline is at the end of October. While I'd like to get working on it long before that deadline, my priority just now is figuring out the next few months that intervene.

We'll be taking the boys on a trip in a couple weeks, to scout out the territory we're considering for our new homestead. Rocket has been trying to sort out her conflicting emotions and desires regarding the possible move. Importantly, this trip will allow us to take it out of the realm of hypotheticals, and into the realm of considerations. Will we find this place to our liking? What of the houses we might look at? Will they seem acceptable to us? Suitable? Could we see ourselves living there? And thriving?

If all those answers are affirmative, then we've got the logistics of the move to tend to. Are we ready to put an offer on a house? When should we plan the move? How are we going to go about it? How much will it cost?

And, just as importantly, I need to get cracking on my research, building these proofs, getting ready for client and investor demos.

Suppose you find yourself essentially free (but with a deadline some couple years out). I think of the computer graphics unit of early Lucas Films. That was their lives for several years (indeed for several employers). I'm trying to model my work on what they did (there are parallels, in an odd sort of way). Only, I don't have anyone bankrolling my research. We've got to cover it all ourselves, and come up with marketable intermediates along the way to keep funds coming in.

I'm a different sort of entrepreneur. My motivation is the work, and solving the research problems. The money, the marketing... they're just means to the ends. I'm not looking to cash in on a good idea. I've got a lifetime's worth of work set out. My goal is to find ways to sustain myself in that work. The fun part is getting the business to work for me, while I work for the research.

How do you get there from here? That's my task of the moment.

Halfway back

Got into my office today around noon. It's the first I've been in the office (other than to grab something) since my inlaws came to visit December 26. Rocket had a doctor's appointment this morning, so I had to stay with the boys.

I did some purging from my office bookshelves, taking down about a dozen books or so to bring home. I've got this short bio to write and send off next week. I'm leaning against working on this book chapter, though I'd like to write the co-editors (one of whom I've known for a decade, and the other who organized the conference last June in the UK, and who invited me to speak). I plan to simply write to them my thinking and see what they say.

What is my thinking? I'm walking away from the academic job search. I'm done with that. I've begun to turn away from habits, attitudes, and behaviors I had acquired principally out of that process. I don't need any more "lines on my CV". I've got quite enough, and they've done nothing to help me get where I'm going. I need new measures for determining worth and value for my efforts.

What will this task accomplish? Will that get me further along the path I wish to travel? Or will it simply hold me where I am, costing energy and effort, that might be better spent on other things?

My research must be paramount. Within about a month, we'll have a new baby at home. Hopefully come March or April we'll be ready to move to our next home, though it may be May or June. We've got a lot of research to do on that count, to ascertain and decide where best suits our needs and desires, and all the logistics of how to move, and get insurance, where to live (to rent or buy), what sort of office or workspace can we set up for me. I'm going to order a bunch of boxes from U-Haul, and start packing things up pretty soon.

But I need to keep up my research. I need to work up these proofs-of-concept, hopefully before we move. I need to follow through on my hopes and dreams. And I need to ward off as many distractions as possible. Today, I'm halfway back. Monday a new passage begins.

Holding Pattern

No, that does not describe my holiday travels. We, in fact, are staying home.

If you didn't know, there's not an airline around who'll accept to fly a woman who is 34-weeks pregnant without a doctor's order; and there are few of us who could afford the bribe necessary to get a doctor to write such an order, or the one necessary to get an entire flight of passengers and crew to pretend they don't notice. All that said, what woman 34-weeks pregnant would even want to fly?

Chanukah was pleasant and mostly uneventful. Rocket's folks will arrive to visit for a week on December 26. I've decided that I'll mostly take the week off. Hence the holding pattern.

I've realized I'm in that odd state between things where the old is not quite extinguished, and the new not yet inflamed. It's finding the energy to clear out the ashes in between that takes the most effort.

I started writing the brief bio I committed to. I'm still undecided on the book chapter. I'll yet have more than a week to deal with that after the new year.

I spent a little time looking over things. I've got a white board on the wall facing my desk that is filled with projects and ideas for my research firm. I've hardly looked at it these past couple months. I glanced over some of the attempts I had made in September, before I was mistakenly led to believe I'd be getting programming help for my proofs-of-concept. It's been eight months since I defined the first proof-of-concept, which I had initially hoped to have for August, then wished to complete by the end of the year. I've been clearing away the hurdles and debris that have been holding me back.

I back-burnered my research when the term began at Lemon four months ago; it's going to take me a bit of time to get back into a routine. But that's exactly what I intend to do. This (teaching at Lemon) was a good experiment for me, one which failed, but which nonetheless taught me something. The summer had been quite productive for me. I was excited and impassioned. I had hopes that I'd be able to continue that, while also teaching adjunct.

Now I realize that teaching (82 students as the term began, eventually dropping to 75 in the end) consumed far more time and energy than I had expected (not to mention the 9-12 hours weekly commute), and was thus incompatible with my plans to make strides in my research. When it's a choice between teaching and research, it's the latter that most drives me.

It will be a couple weeks until both Rocket and I are settled into our new roles (I, no longer the teacher; she, no longer the actively employed). I suppose just when we think we've settled, son #3 will arrive and upset the apple cart again. There are no deadlines for life. What remains for us now is to learn (once again) how to live.

Abundance

Abundance is a good thing to have. I can't say that we are wealthy, but we have enough. Luckily, thanks to our savings and the generosity of state-sponsored benefits, we have enough to survive as a family in relative comfort for a few more years, without worrying too much about when and how much income. It is a luxury for which, though I think we are worthy of it, I am truly grateful.

What it gives us is an abundance of time. It's ours to choose how that time is spent. I'm plugging away at my business plans and research. I've realized that while I've been placing a priority on developing the materials for a patent application, what I really need is to develop some proofs-of-concept. These are complementary enterprises, so I'm not too concerned. It's just good to keep priorities in mind.

Time. To some extent, time is on my side. I'm in no rush. There is little to be gained from rushing through a patent application. Without the proofs-of-concept no one is going to take me and my technology seriously. That's an advantage as I see it. The only real threat is if there is some maverick or outsider like me out there who either gets whiff of what I'm doing (not terribly likely) or who is developing such things concurrently and happens to reduce to practice before I do. For now, I'm discounting that possibility as rather unlikely, since I think it takes an odd and eclectic background and interest (as well as the means to spend a great deal of time on the project) to get where I am and where I'm going.

I'm planning to keep up with my schedule this summer. I've actually worked out a fuller and more detailed plan in the past week (which incidentally includes this book chapter I agreed to write--a promise is a promise). I've been playing with Gantt charts (which I first used in my recent grant proposal). But I'm also planning to keep my life in perspective. I'm moving ahead my plans to get a workstation dedicated to the research and software development. I might go for it in the next few weeks. I'm planning to run a flavor of Linux (any recommendations or cautions... I'm leaning toward SuSE at the moment), and pick up some powerful (possibly expensive) industry-strength software for prototyping and algorithm development. It's time to get serious in that regard.

It's not all work though. Today, I cleared out much of the garage, enough to park our car in there alongside our minivan. We've been here three months, and this is the first time. This morning, I finished putting up the ceiling tiles in the basement family room. All that remains is staining and putting in the baseboards and the doors, getting an area rug or ordering carpeting, then organizing and cleaning up. I also consolidated my books and papers in the office onto one large bookshelf, and moved the second large bookshelf into the living room, to store games and toys. It's a big improvement for both rooms, and gives the office more space which will be needed especially when I get the second workstation. More cleaning and organizing tomorrow, and I've committed to keeping the home projects end up, even if it eats into some of my workweek hours. In the end, I'm sure my work time will be more productive (and my life more fulfilled).

As soon as the family room is finished, I can set up the exercise room. I'm feeling my age (or worse). I'm 40. Too many people die young. I think of Tony Snow. No fan of his, I assure you. But no one should die at 53! I think of Douglas Adams. I am a fan of his. My wife and I heard him speak about a week before he died in 2001, at the age of 49! My dad was 69 when he died of prostate cancer. Give me 30 more years, that's all I ask. But it's a tall order I know. It's best I do my part, meaning exercise for one.

Oui, ça change, mais ce n'est plus la même chose

Change comes indeed!

I will be buying a building downtown as office space for the business that has emerged remarkably from the ashes of my career. They have accepted my offer of $165k, for a 3300 sq. ft. space, including a 1500 sq.ft. upstairs apartment, which I'm not yet sure what to do with.

Assuming no unexpecteds, I'm on the hook now for a commercial mortgage. Each time we think we are closer to being debt free (which represents for me freedom), we follow Harry's clarion call: once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

I'm raw tonight, after two margaritas and a glass of wine. I wonder at the changes. I think of the image of a transforming background, while the foreground remains unchanged. Am I different from the man I was a few years ago, desperately seeking faculty employment? I think not... not in essence. My commitments remain; may passions remain; my drive remains.

What has changed is that now I have some income, and the prospect for a few years more to continue to pursue those ideas that set me alight. Oh, and by the way, enough to hire a few others to keep me company on the journey. Coal is black, yet it burns. Even ashes provide energy, when properly set.

So I remain, Articulate Dad, father of three, husband, lover, scholar, researcher, innovator, entrepreneur. Yes, I will do what is required of me to be allowed my freedom to think, to do, to be. Damn the torepedoes; full speed ahead.

A new chapter begins. Wow, this life is becoming quite the book!

Reinforcing the View

I created this new blog with an eye toward a new chapter in my life. As I described then, I haven't made a complete break with my former self.

I sent a note yesterday to my sometime correspondent, Joe Krowicki, whose encouragement both inside and outside academia has been important for me.

Hi Joe,

It's been a while. Just thought I'd send you a note, see how you're doing. I'm still plugging away at my ideas for practical applications in [Applied Research Field]. I'm hoping to have a patent application worked up by the end of the year. That's keeping me busy. I've realized I need to hone up my programming skills (or hire someone) to test some of my theories. I really need some means for manipulating the data in ways that will allow that. So, I've been working my way through some texts on that count.

Meantime, I'll be teaching adjunct this year at Lemon University. I'm somewhat ambivalent about it at the moment. I guess I was set up to expect so much more (by myself as much as anyone else), so it's hard to accept a part-time adjunct post two years after the PhD as a big step up.

I've decided to keep my eyes open this year, but I feel less and less interested in taking just any faculty post, especially as I'm optimistic that I can build something with my research. The past couple years have inured me of expecting too much from the academic job market. If something promising opens up, I'll send my application. Otherwise, I'll keep plugging away at my own projects. Once I've worked up some proof-of-concept demos, I'll be looking for venture capital or some such. No telling about things though, as you well know.

I was a plenary speaker at a conference on [topic] in England in June. That was quite a treat. Got to see [mutual friends], and others. How was your time in Europe?

Enjoy,
Articulate

_________________________

Hi Articulate,

Thanks for the update. You may or may not enjoy the teaching. A lot seems to depend on the composition of the class. I have taught for years. Some groups are great and others aren't. Academia, as a job, is not that great. It has a civil-service quality to it, so people accept the mediocre pay and many hassles in exchange for decent benefits and occasionally interesting tasks. Of course industry and commerce have their own downsides--maybe some combination of the academic and the non-academic will fit the bill.

With best wishes,
joe

I suppose that's what I've lighted upon, isn't it? And Rocket this morning reflected on just how much she hates the commute. Plan the escape... That's our job, remember. We will get what we want. We deserve it. We will prove worthy of it--is what I wrote in reply.

Back to the plan?

Today, RocketMom headed out of town with the two younger boys to pick up our oldest at his grandparents. He's been there for the week attending a summer camp. I had my intern over this morning for a few hours, then... I've been alone. I think perhaps this is the longest I've been alone at home since we moved here. It's been a time to reflect on things. I realize how important my family has become to my sense of self, how much of my motivations and quotidien decisions circle around being part of a domestic group.

It's been a time for me to reflect on where I am in life, and where I'm going. I submitted my second stage contract proposal earlier in the week. I'll still need to work up a contract with them. But it seems ever more expected that this will simply go. I can't quite bring myself to disbelieve it... but I remain amazed at how far I've come these past few years. And I'm hoping to submit yet another new grant proposal in the next couple weeks. That'd make four outstanding proposals, on top of the expected two-year contract. Each one of them represents the potential to hire another one or two or three additional employees over the coming year or so.

Some of you have followed me on this journey from desperate academic seeker to whatever I've become. Three years ago, I wrote:

I know where I want to be in 5-10. I want to be director of an interdisciplinary institute or center on my area of study, bringing together researchers and faculty from a variety of disciplines and methodological backgrounds to focus on the subject matter.

I find myself, three years later on the verge of heading just such a team. Not quite the plan I had. In some ways, more independent. I'm not running an insititute or a center, I'm running a start-up, a bootstrap as they say (meaning not a penny from investors, just me). I've gotten two contracts, and a third on the way, enough to hire a small team. And it's all on me.

There's an ad I've seen on the web, showing a business card, that slowly adds more and more titles: President, CEO, Accountant, HR, Receptionist. I chuckle. It's not a joke. I'm the grants writer, and the payroll specialist, the PI, and the maintenance engineer, the purchasing agent, and the janitor. But soon, oh so very soon (even if it's months away), I'll be the director of my very own hand-picked research team, engaged in my very own hand-picked projects.

It's humbling. And inspiring. It's what I wanted those years ago. In a sense. The odd thing is: I fell into this role, being an entrepreneur, a business owner. Looking over things, I came across a post over at BlogHer by my friend Leslie , that linked to some of my posts from early 2006, when I was still in the thrall of academia, wanting so much to just persevere long enough to make it. I never did, at least not in that realm... but oh I held on.

It's just somewhere along the path, I meandered. I tired of the monotony of application, rejection, application, rejection, appli... Finally, I emerged, hesitantly, uncertainly. Less than a year ago I got word of my first contract four years after completing the PhD. Four .. very .. long .. years. Only a month ago, I got word that the transition funding was approved, and that I was invited to submit a two-year contract.

This is all still new, the paint is still drying. Yet another chapter in my life is about to begin. Wow!

The downside of up

The downside of being an entrepreneur researcher on the cusp is that much of what I feel most excited by in my research, and its potential for practical applications, is what I need most keep secret.

I've been reading through "Nolo's Patents for Beginners" and their 8th Edition "Patent, Copyright & Trademark" (Looks like they've just come out with a 9th edition).

I've been trying to follow the mantra I've heard from various sources "protect your ideas". Develop them, yes! But also protect them. In part, this sense of protection grows from my professional isolation. Had I been granted a tenure-track post right out of grad school (or even starting a year or two later) I might never have worried much about it. I'd have felt supported, and much more willing to simply give of my work.

It's not that I want to horde it. It's simply that I wish to reap some of the benefits of the work personally, for me, for my family. Remember, I've gotten virtually nothing for that PhD. I'm disappointed that it means so much less than I expected, at least in my field. There are simply too many damned PhDs out there, many (if not most) of whom really haven't contributed anything new to the field, to knowledge and understanding. They've simply dug up some obscurity that had been previously overlooked. And it's often these folks who get the jobs.

Sure, I'm still a little bitter. But I've taken the bit out my mouth, and set it aside. I think of the comment I heard from a faculty member (who wasn't on my committee) whom I had shown my original dissertation proposal to. He remarked on one of my goals expressed in one of the latter chapter outlines, "You say here, you want to discuss the relevance of the work. That's not something we ask in this field. What's the relevance of Mozart's choice of B-minor in this piece? It's not an interesting question."

I still shudder at his comment. Because I deeply feel that we bloody well ought to ask what the relevance is of our work. If not, what's the point? Suffice it to say, I didn't write a dissertation about Mozart's choice of B-minor in any piece. Relevance was important in my efforts, and even more so today.

I must tread lightly, protect my ideas. I want them to have an impact on society. That's the whole point for me.

I suppose I'm unenthusiastic about my imminent teaching because it seems what I'll be teaching will have little to do with relevance, with the research I'm engaged in, which I begin to see as my "real work". Getting through this next year, finding focus, maintaining it: those will be my challenges.

Choices

I mentioned in passing earlier in the week that we had donated more than fifty books to the library. Twice before this year we had already donated perhaps two hundred. We've gotten rid of many books over the past few years. In some ways this last set was like the proverbial last 20 pounds you seek to lose (or at least it was the first five of the last twenty).

Many of these books were ones I'd had for years, either which I had begun to read, then set aside, or which I intended to read but hadn't yet gotten to. Several were ones I might have expected to assign (or at least refer to) in courses I might have taught had I been hired for the interdisciplinary post I was seeking. But I wasn't offered the post, and I've applied for no further faculty positions since that interview. I've lost interest.

Purging those books from my shelves was a nod that a certain chapter in my life has ended. I am no longer a student, seeking to hold on to anything that might be useful to me down the road. Nor am I a prospective faculty member, wishing to retain on my shelves any book that might prove a boon for me or a student at some point.

I look at a field of long grass, with a scythe in hand, intent on forging a new path. Many of the tools I carried in the past will not serve me here. I need to let them go. Letting go those books was a start.

Closing a Chapter

We've been working on purging our house, making more room. We won't be getting a new au pair next year. Our current one departs in October. RocketMom is still working for my firm part-time, about 8-10 hours a week. She's getting a new laptop next week, to facilitate more working at home. We really don't need full-time childcare. Yes, we're home schooling, but the boys are mostly self-directed in that regard. We plan to hire some part-time help to cover the hours Rocket is in the office, some time for her to get away and be herself during the day, and some time at night or weekends to cover for both of us so we can have a date every so often.

We'll be reclaiming one small bedroom once M leaves. We've been listing things on Craigslist and Freecycle: a weight bench; a second mixer, a couple old kitchen cabinets. We're thinking of unloading our piano (the first piece of furniture we bought together), and getting a smaller electronic keyboard. In the dining room there are still two large bookcases covering an entire wall, that hadn't anywhere else to go. They cramp the space, and are less than half used at the moment. Over the years, we've discarded, sold, given away, or donated, on the order of 500-1000 books. One (even larger) bookcase remains upstairs in the hallway, packed to overflowing. I've got a full bookcase at my office with just about everything related to my present vocation. There are also several large filing cabinets with articles and documents, as well as personal materials.

So, I was revisiting a bottom shelf of one of the large dining room book cases, filled with music: scores, xeroxes, handwritten manuscripts. About 60% now rests in a pile a couple feet high or so, to be donated, discarded, sold, or given away. I . am. no. longer... I... I am... I am no longer a singer! at least not professionally, at least not for a career. There I said it. It's done.

That was... difficult! More difficult than what follows, which to you who have been reading is not news: I am no longer an academic... at least not for now... not for the foreseeable future. What need do I have for obscure bits of music, that I don't plan to sing, or write about? None is what I concluded... and so they stand in a stack two feet high, awaiting another residence.

Scatter

Another ritual of cleansing: Going through one of our filing cabinets, I came across a folder of faculty job rejection letters from several years ago (starting with one of the earliest in December 2003 while I was on a Fulbright grant in Central Europe). I stopped keeping them after the first couple seasons of applications. This is but a tiny selection of letters I've received since the fall of 2003. I had been told there were three prime years for faculty applications (the year before you finish, the dissertation year, and the year after). Well, I can say with confidence... that bit of advice served me about as well as a wad of gum on the underside of my shoe on a hot August afternoon.

These letters, along with reams of other documents and papers that we no longer need, will be duly shredded this afternoon, and given some useful function as packing material. I am so ready for this move. A new chapter is about to begin!

Deadlines/Priorities

I have to finish up the formatting (and bibliography) for this brief bio I'm writing. FINISHED! Yes, the deadline was last Friday, but after the Composer arrived early, I wrote to the editors to say my schedule had been waylaid by his intervention. They ceded me a week's extension. I worked on it this week, and have it mostly complete.

I volunteer in the Painter's kindergarten class for about an hour on Fridays. His teacher had said she'd understand (what with the new baby and all) if I couldn't make it. Priorities. I said I'd be there. I expect to get this bio done this afternoon. DONE! If not, I'll send it in a few days.

Still have a little plate of things to clear. After this bio, I have the book chapter (which I had initially shirked) due in October. My mother-in-law departs on Saturday. My mother arrives to visit and help out for a few days next week. After she leaves, we pack up the five of us for a trip to see about a new home.

I've been spending a bit of time online checking out real estate sites. There are some bargains out there if we're willing and able to do our own fixing. Looks like there are quite a few houses that have been rentals for a while, which need a good deal of cosmetic repairs, but hopefully their fundamentals are sound.

I even found a house (4 bd/2 ba) for under $25,000! It was a repo, but seemingly in fair shape. No telling about condition until we actually see them though. In any case, we've identified a few areas where we'll likely be able to find a house we can afford (looks like buying would beat renting in that area, so we're hoping to be homeowners again). We're willing to do some work, fixing up and remodeling, as long as the house is livable in the interim.

For the moment, I don't see this next home as an investment. Rather, I'm looking to buy us 2-3 years to spend on building my firm, and raising our boys. The only question is how to arrange that purchase with our current pot of savings, and how can we come out the other end with nothing lost except perhaps some money. The impending move (and its associated logistics) will be a bit of distracter for a while, though I'm hoping not to give it more than necessary of my energy and time.

Two to three years! I gave the PhD six, and my faculty job search three. I think I can afford a couple years on my ideas (and my family).

Unemployment

Unemployment? Gee, I wonder what that means (kind of in the vein that my eldest brother, currently in mortal combat with his ex over custody and visitation with his 5-year-old son, wonders just what "child support" really means). I'll explain:

I just found out tonight that my father-in-law (the 60-year-old former engineer/business manager, earning well over $100k/year, recently retired via "voluntary layoff" -- with a full year's severance pay, and a pension, as well as comfortable retirement savings) is eligible for, and currently receiving 6 months "unemployment benefits". Um... what?

Now, let's say I were in his shoes. I'm eligible for money, why not take it? Granted. But then... just what is unemployment? I mean, I'm unemployed, right? But I get no benefits. I'm not eligible. It would seem that unemployed PhDs, seeking gainful employment are not considered the worthy unemployed. From what I gather, most contingent faculty who are not renewed in their underemployed status are not considered unemployed, and therefore are ineligible for any support.

The self-employed who lose their livelihood are likewise not considered eligible. I know this because I've been there. The argument is that unemployment is insurance paid for by employers (well, some employers, but clearly not most colleges and universities that hire adjunct faculty). But then, when I hear these statistics about 4.6% or 5% unemployment, I wonder. I mean, they're not really counting how many people are unemployed, but rather that percentage of them (I'd venture, a small percentage) who are actually receiving unemployment benefits.

Some personal background:

I had my first paper route when I was nine. At eleven, I worked after school at a BBQ restaurant hauling in firewood, chopping vegetables, and any other miscellaneous jobs they'd give me. At thirteen, I worked in the mess hall at the military academy I attended to support my partial scholarship. At 15, I was in college in New York, working part-time with odd jobs. At 17, I dropped out of college, and worked full-time (double-time really) as a political activist, pollster, and fundraiser, 6 or 7 days a week for four years. At 21, I worked full-time (sometimes double shifts) as a waiter, awaiting the fall when I'd return to college. Throughout college, I continued to work at least part-time, often two or more different jobs to make ends meet and pay the bills that weren't covered by student loans (or the generosity of my parents).

At 28, I received my Master's degree, and followed my fiancee to where she had a job, to pick up odd jobs, and work on the stage (for paltry wages), then taught privately, and eventually landed a gig teaching at a community college. At 32, I returned to college for my PhD, and for the first time in my life was supported by fellowships. I was in heaven to receive payment (albeit modest!) to do what I believed I was best suited for, pursuing the life of a scholar, preparing for a career as an academic.

At 37, I received a PhD. In my forty years of life, I have never been eligible for nor received unemployment, though I have at times been unemployed. I have been poor. I know what it means to have nothing in the bank (NOTHING), to have thousands in revolving debt, plus student loans, rent due, (or late fees accruing because it's already past due), and mere crumbs in the pantry.

What is unemployment?

Despite all this, I'll tell you something I've realized, which in part motivated my discarding of the insulting and abusive employment I once recently had at Lemon University. It is (at least in part) our own fault. The reason why academics can be offered so little in wages, so little in job security, so little in respect and dignity, why so few of us are employed for full-time wages and benefits is simply this: we take it. As long as some of us line up to accept what is offered, the longer the offers will remain what they are. So, I left. I won't be part of that system.

I'm not afraid of poverty, only losing my dignity and self-respect. And so I am unemployed. But damn, I'm going to pursue something I believe in, which promises even the potential to have a positive impact on the world. I will not lie down. I will not simply take it. I will do what I can. I will live in accord with my principles. I will bury my pride and indignation (because disgust, even justified, is not a useful motive for accomplishing anything good).

I am a homeowner now (at least 20%). I am a father and husband. I am a son, and brother, a son-in-law, and brother-in-law. I am an American (with the joy and sorrow that affords).

Today, a new chapter begins!