The Weight of Life

Heavy.

Tonight, I have an overwhelming sense of despair, a vague desire to just disappear, to suffer amnesia, to be someone else, satisfied with a simple life. But it's an inward feeling. The world has not shifted place since yesterday or this morning.

In fact, it's that simple stasis that I identify as my trigger. I wait ...

Perhaps it's all in my head. Not... not that waiting is not a condition of my present life. Just that focusing on that wait is something I alone can control. But I don't.

I wait to hear back from my agency project leader, regarding my second stage proposal (she's just back from three weeks on the road). That second stage contract is a BIG DEAL, the biggest deal of my life. It represents stability for a couple years, a good salary not only for me, but for three or four others. It represents the chance for me to take my ideas to the next stage, to practical applications. The chance to actually build a sustainable research-based business that I can be proud of. That's big.

It's not that I lack confidence that this will happen. It's just that I wait for it to happen. And, if it didn't I'd be okay. For me, the waiting is worst. It's like anticipating the collapse of a house of cards. Once it falls, you just pick them back up and start rebuilding. Picking up the pieces is fine... just waiting for them to fall drives me batty.

I wait to hear about whether I'll be interviewed for the research position across the seas. Apparently, their expectation of a hiring committee rendering a short list in a couple weeks was overly optimistic. Why do I even care about that post? (Because I want so much to feel that I have not been entirely banished from the world of academia, even if I'm not certain that is where I wish to be).

And I wait to hear the results of my other two recent proposals. I wait to receive job applications for the three positions I've recently advertised (well, sent around through my channels--I'll formally advertise them if need be).

I wait to hear back from the seller's agent on a few issues regarding the building I wish to purchase as office space for my company. Then, I suppose I'll wait for their response to my offer.

But... what am I really waiting for? Whose answers will change my life? Truth is, I have, right now, most of the things I have thought important in life: a wonderful wife, whom I am truly still in love with; three beautiful, delightful, charming, intelligent (and sometimes infuriating) boys, growing up in part under my tutelage; I'm a dad; I have a house, with a mortgage payment so laughably small in comparison to what we've paid in the past that I'd be hard-pressed to imagine it possible for us to lose; I've got savings in the bank, enough at least for us to consider remodeling our kitchen, and putting in a new paving-stone patio in the backyard.

Yeah, there is still some lingering bitterness and sorrow over leaving the Academy. I guess part of it is the unsettled nature of where I am. Being an entrepreneur isn't exactly a cake walk. It's quite often overwhelming, daunting. Much better feelings I admit than despair. I'll take the weight of life over the weight of dejection anytime; that doesn't make it any lighter.

Yes, this too shall pass. In the morning, a new day shall dawn. Friday I head to the lakehouse. Rocketmom and the boys are already there for the week. I'll spend the weekend there, and hopefully forget these worries for a couple days.

Abundance

Abundance is a good thing to have. I can't say that we are wealthy, but we have enough. Luckily, thanks to our savings and the generosity of state-sponsored benefits, we have enough to survive as a family in relative comfort for a few more years, without worrying too much about when and how much income. It is a luxury for which, though I think we are worthy of it, I am truly grateful.

What it gives us is an abundance of time. It's ours to choose how that time is spent. I'm plugging away at my business plans and research. I've realized that while I've been placing a priority on developing the materials for a patent application, what I really need is to develop some proofs-of-concept. These are complementary enterprises, so I'm not too concerned. It's just good to keep priorities in mind.

Time. To some extent, time is on my side. I'm in no rush. There is little to be gained from rushing through a patent application. Without the proofs-of-concept no one is going to take me and my technology seriously. That's an advantage as I see it. The only real threat is if there is some maverick or outsider like me out there who either gets whiff of what I'm doing (not terribly likely) or who is developing such things concurrently and happens to reduce to practice before I do. For now, I'm discounting that possibility as rather unlikely, since I think it takes an odd and eclectic background and interest (as well as the means to spend a great deal of time on the project) to get where I am and where I'm going.

I'm planning to keep up with my schedule this summer. I've actually worked out a fuller and more detailed plan in the past week (which incidentally includes this book chapter I agreed to write--a promise is a promise). I've been playing with Gantt charts (which I first used in my recent grant proposal). But I'm also planning to keep my life in perspective. I'm moving ahead my plans to get a workstation dedicated to the research and software development. I might go for it in the next few weeks. I'm planning to run a flavor of Linux (any recommendations or cautions... I'm leaning toward SuSE at the moment), and pick up some powerful (possibly expensive) industry-strength software for prototyping and algorithm development. It's time to get serious in that regard.

It's not all work though. Today, I cleared out much of the garage, enough to park our car in there alongside our minivan. We've been here three months, and this is the first time. This morning, I finished putting up the ceiling tiles in the basement family room. All that remains is staining and putting in the baseboards and the doors, getting an area rug or ordering carpeting, then organizing and cleaning up. I also consolidated my books and papers in the office onto one large bookshelf, and moved the second large bookshelf into the living room, to store games and toys. It's a big improvement for both rooms, and gives the office more space which will be needed especially when I get the second workstation. More cleaning and organizing tomorrow, and I've committed to keeping the home projects end up, even if it eats into some of my workweek hours. In the end, I'm sure my work time will be more productive (and my life more fulfilled).

As soon as the family room is finished, I can set up the exercise room. I'm feeling my age (or worse). I'm 40. Too many people die young. I think of Tony Snow. No fan of his, I assure you. But no one should die at 53! I think of Douglas Adams. I am a fan of his. My wife and I heard him speak about a week before he died in 2001, at the age of 49! My dad was 69 when he died of prostate cancer. Give me 30 more years, that's all I ask. But it's a tall order I know. It's best I do my part, meaning exercise for one.

Clean Slate

I am not by nature a particularly neat and organized person. At least, I'm not organized in a neat fashion. My wife would assure you that the picture of my desk above is a rather tame condition for the wilds I normally inhabit. (The walls are still a might bit dark for my taste, but that will have to await completion of the basement improvements).
My desk, in its state of disorganization, patiently awaited my return from a holiday. We arrived at the Lake House a week ago. Shortly after arriving, I took off my watch, as I readied to hit the water. I didn't put it back on until the drive home on Sunday.

I spent a good deal of time on the water, in the row boat or canoe. It's not a big lake. About 10-15 minutes is enough for a full circuit in a boat. There are about 8 houses surrounding it (two of which are for sale!). But the family Lake House is at our disposal, so there's little need for us to purchase our own plot any time soon. Good to know it's there for our use as we wish. We might get a small sailboat (say 14-18') sometime to supplement the rowboat and canoe there. It'd be a nice place to practice.
It was overall a peaceful and refreshing break. Our visit to the Lake House last year in fact was a major factor in our deciding to move to these parts. Our requirements were simple: affordable, near family, near the water. Many places would have fit the bill. But the peacefulness of nature at the Lake House was a reminder of what we wanted to capture.

There was little cause for my initial concern over spending five days away from home. I've sometimes felt a fish out of water during family vacations. I just let go this time. It helps of course, that there were others (mostly the inlaws) to entertain the boys much of the time, freeing me up to boat, or to read or just sit when the weather dictated.
In the end however, I find my slate has been wiped clean. I checked off the remaining two tasks on my to-do list this morning. I've spent much of the past couple days dealing with some technical issues regarding my websites and email servers.

I've been reading up on some of the engineering side of the research I'm involved in. Before me lies the patent preparations. Immediately, my plan is to develop my "technology narrative," sort of a white paper to explain what I'm doing, its relevance, the procedures, the market. This will be the basis for the patent description, and also for future grant and funding proposals.

Even though I've got this goal, it's dauntingly open. At the moment, I have no hard deadlines. A soft one I've self-imposed of the end of the summer to have the patent materials completed. It's soft because I'm not certain whether I'll file a provisional or full utility patent, or whether I might put off the patent filing for a time once I've gone through the process. There may be reasons to delay, so I'm open to the prospect (as long as I'm poised to file with everything prepared).

Will I get the grant I submitted last month? No telling. It'd be nice, but it won't really change my plans one way or the other. The next round of deadlines for grants and such is October-December, so that won't occupy me this summer. It feels good to be where we are. But things have slowed down a bit. I just want to keep up the momentum, even while I'm enjoying a bit of coasting.

Brief hiatus

Friday afternoon, I took a brief hiatus (about an hour) from grant writing, so I could prime the walls in the basement family room (and pantry wall). Today, we took advantage of a break in the rains, to head over to a local building supply store, and pick up the baseboards, quarter rounds, and shelving hardware. We never got around to putting on the first coat of paint. My mother-in-law will be coming up tomorrow, and my father-in-law on Tuesday (they have conflicting schedules -- though they're both retired now).

I'll be away at an entrepreneurs' conference both days. It'll be my first of that variety. I'm looking forward to it, though I have no idea whether I'll find much interesting, or much tedious. I certainly wouldn't be terribly interested in hearing about how one fellow got rich building laundromats, or some gal learned how to buy and flip rental properties. That's not exactly my kind of entrepreneurship. But then, maybe it's not most people's. I couldn't really say. I'm feeling like an outsider again.

But for me, being an outsider is a good feeling. I like being on the edge, listening in, taking my view from a different place, having something unusual to contribute to the conversation. I learned that in junior high school, those many years ago. I had had a rough time in elementary school... a really rough time. I was small, always the smallest. And I was young, younger than all but one very sweet (and very smart) Korean-American girl (I hear in Korea you're considered 1 at birth -- apparently counting gestation as a first year -- any insight, Soo? -- so there may have been some discrepancy in translation).

In any case, I joined the group in second grade, having missed two years of socializing with my cohorts. Somehow, that lead to my becoming an outcast. I had three or four friends until fifth grade. Mostly, I was known as it and thing. I learned self-reliance, self-respect, self-confidence. I had to. In junior high, I learned to blend, to be a chameleon, always to be almost a part of many cliques, never quite a member of any of them, but never fully excluded. I think that's lived with me until now.

I suppose that has contributed to my comfort with interdisciplinarity. Who wants to be fully entrenched in one discipline, when you can find a territory to lay claim to that lies between several? I wrote a lot about the dangers and challenges of this approach, and also its benefits, on my old blog. And now, I've left academia. I'm an outsider there, and an outsider in business.

I like being a researcher/entrepreneur. I like the prospects that appear on my horizon. This just may work. I may be able to carve this territory for myself, find a way to make a living at it, keep it self-sustaining, and fully regain my dignity, which has been creeping back after the relentless suction of four years wandering a zombie among the forgotten and abandoned PhDs.

I'm looking forward now. Enjoying every way station. Enjoying my time. Enjoying my life. Enjoying the rains and the storms. Enjoying my house. Enjoying my family. Life really is good.

Almost a family room

All the wall board is up. The wires have been pulled. We'll put up the last wallboard (outside the room, to set up a wall of shelves for our "pantry") tomorrow. I'll have a neighbor do the seam taping. We purchased all the ceiling tiles and hardware today. Still waiting for the second light fixture to come back into stock. Maybe we'll put up the doors tomorrow as well. Then it's painting, and a floor, and moving in the furniture. I can't wait for this to be done (but I'm quite proud of the project). I'm just ready to concentrate on patents and grants.


Good news (at least of the temporary kind) came yesterday though. We qualified and have been approved for state-sponsored health insurance. With my necessary expenses so reduced, I can concentrate a bit more freely on research and building my business, which should have a far greater positive effect on that society than leaving me in the dust to wallow in unemployment (or perhaps worse adjunct servitude).

Acceleration

Life has sped up on me. It has been a very long week. It's as if I had been whisked on a tour bus, at high speed, then, a bit dazed, legs shaky from the ride, left to disembark at the starting point.

A week has passed since my last posting. So many things.

First: troubles with my webhost. They suspended my account, leaving me without my PRW (personal research website) and for a few days without any email (which mysteriously reappeared a couple days ago, after I had established new email elsewhere). Long story short, they overcharged me about 20% more than they had quoted me. They admitted to overcharging me, but refused to take action without some ridiculous documentation on my part. Since their customer service policy is to NEVER speak with anyone on the phone, all communication is done via email, at their pace. I called the credit card company, provided them with the quoted rates, and asked them to refund me only the difference. So the webhost suspended my account.

I'm in process of trying to transfer the domain to another webhost, which supports customer service. In addition, I registered three new domain names (.com, .net, .org) for my business, and set up new email through them.

I registered an LLC with the state. I met with the regional coordinator for the state Entrepreneurs' Network. I had lunch with the patent attorney friend of my father-in-law's. I drove two hours away to meet with the director of another center for technology development, which focuses on garnering federal funding for state enterprises.

I spoke on the phone with the contact for one of the federal grants I'm interested in. That one looks promising. I've left several messages for the contact on a second grant. I agreed to participate in a program through one of the local colleges that teams up a senior in business with an entrepreneur for a year to develop a complete business plan.

Meanwhile, we're still working on the basement family room. We have two walls covered with wallboard now.

This flurry of activity is more daunting than the snow flurries we had when we arrived. I've hit the ground running, but I've yet to catch up with myself. My task list gets longer each day. I'm still here. When I come up for air, I'll post again.

*****UPDATE*****

I got the website transferred. (Called back my credit card company and disputed the remainder of their charge, accepting that they did provide me with just under 2 months of the one year of hosting. I reset up my old email addresses forwarded to the new ones (in case any more come to those addresses).

I've installed WordPress (which was the framework I had been using), but have not been able yet to figure out how to unpack the bizarre .tar.tgz backup file, to reset up everything on the site. Worst case scenario, I'll have to redo it all manually. I'd just hate to lose all the search links. Maybe I'll have to check out all the G**gle caches, to figure out the proper pagenames. I get normally 20-100 or so hits per day on my PRW, so someone is finding the info useful.

Got a call back from the second federal grant point of contact. I was beginning to think it a bit beyond my reach at the moment, but now I'm convinced I should apply. I made it clear what I'm working on, and how I think it'd fit with the topic (and incidentally that I thought the wording of their proposal came off a bit too ambitious). He allayed my concerns, at least enough to make me feel more comfortable preparing a bid.

That said, it looks like I'll be hiring a grant writer to assist me (the state offers matching funds to defray the costs). Meanwhile, I need to interview some patent attorneys, and get cracking on the patent filing. I'd like to have that done ideally by the time I submit my federal grant applications. Otherwise (and possibly even so), I need to prepare my fed grant apps with enough detail to be intriguing, but not so much as to give away proprietary Intellectual Property.

So:

• interview grant writers
• apply for state matching funds
• interview patent attorneys
• get cracking on both:
• the details of the patent application, and
• the details of my fed grant proposals.

Tomorrow it's more basement work. The doors are in the store, so I'll pick them up tomorrow. If all goes well, we'll finish the wallboarding, and hang the doors. I'll have a neighbor contractor do the seam taping and sealing. Planning to have the boys help paint the walls (that should be interesting!). Then we have to decide on the flooring. We're thinking of carpeting, but we might just opt for the expedient (an area rug). Then it's time to set up the family room, and for me to take a break from home repairs, and bury myself in research and business for the next month or so.

Basement progression

Here is a progression to date of the basement family room project. The overall interior dimensions of this room when complete will be about 10' x 12'. The TV & entertainment center will be on the right in the picture below, along the southside wall. Straight ahead below (the east wall) will have two craft cabinets. The sofa will lie along the newly constructed wall to the left (wall #3 below).

The relevant quarter of the basement, as it looked when we moved in.












The first wall, framed.












The second wall framed. Note the heating/ac vents on the ceiling. We had to frame those out. We'll be putting in a drop ceiling, and a couple fluorescent light fixtures.












The third wall framed. The pillar you see on the right, will be the left edge of the door frame. We're putting in two 36" wide solid-cherry bifold doors (just ordered them today). That leaves just under 2' between the door and the southside exterior wall.












This is the view of the stairs from inside the family room under construction. To your right is the "third wall". The fourth wall is straight ahead (open in the picture). We have framed this space as well. The pillar above is now on your left in this photo. Between pillars is just under 8'. We'll be putting up three large heavy duty shelves on the stairside of this wall, to serve as pantry storage.

















And here is the view from today (the white blotch on your left is the pillar): four walls framed, electrical conduit and boxes in place, moisture barrier installed, insulation up. You see the one of the ventilation chases above.