Unemployment? Gee, I wonder what that means (kind of in the vein that my eldest brother, currently in mortal combat with his ex over custody and visitation with his 5-year-old son, wonders just what "child support" really means). I'll explain:
I just found out tonight that my father-in-law (the 60-year-old former engineer/business manager, earning well over $100k/year, recently retired via "voluntary layoff" -- with a full year's severance pay, and a pension, as well as comfortable retirement savings) is eligible for, and currently receiving 6 months "unemployment benefits". Um... what?
Now, let's say I were in his shoes. I'm eligible for money, why not take it? Granted. But then... just what is unemployment? I mean, I'm unemployed, right? But I get no benefits. I'm not eligible. It would seem that unemployed PhDs, seeking gainful employment are not considered the worthy unemployed. From what I gather, most contingent faculty who are not renewed in their underemployed status are not considered unemployed, and therefore are ineligible for any support.
The self-employed who lose their livelihood are likewise not considered eligible. I know this because I've been there. The argument is that unemployment is insurance paid for by employers (well, some employers, but clearly not most colleges and universities that hire adjunct faculty). But then, when I hear these statistics about 4.6% or 5% unemployment, I wonder. I mean, they're not really counting how many people are unemployed, but rather that percentage of them (I'd venture, a small percentage) who are actually receiving unemployment benefits.
Some personal background:
I had my first paper route when I was nine. At eleven, I worked after school at a BBQ restaurant hauling in firewood, chopping vegetables, and any other miscellaneous jobs they'd give me. At thirteen, I worked in the mess hall at the military academy I attended to support my partial scholarship. At 15, I was in college in New York, working part-time with odd jobs. At 17, I dropped out of college, and worked full-time (double-time really) as a political activist, pollster, and fundraiser, 6 or 7 days a week for four years. At 21, I worked full-time (sometimes double shifts) as a waiter, awaiting the fall when I'd return to college. Throughout college, I continued to work at least part-time, often two or more different jobs to make ends meet and pay the bills that weren't covered by student loans (or the generosity of my parents).
At 28, I received my Master's degree, and followed my fiancee to where she had a job, to pick up odd jobs, and work on the stage (for paltry wages), then taught privately, and eventually landed a gig teaching at a community college. At 32, I returned to college for my PhD, and for the first time in my life was supported by fellowships. I was in heaven to receive payment (albeit modest!) to do what I believed I was best suited for, pursuing the life of a scholar, preparing for a career as an academic.
At 37, I received a PhD. In my forty years of life, I have never been eligible for nor received unemployment, though I have at times been unemployed. I have been poor. I know what it means to have nothing in the bank (NOTHING), to have thousands in revolving debt, plus student loans, rent due, (or late fees accruing because it's already past due), and mere crumbs in the pantry.
What is unemployment?
Despite all this, I'll tell you something I've realized, which in part motivated my discarding of the insulting and abusive employment I once recently had at Lemon University. It is (at least in part) our own fault. The reason why academics can be offered so little in wages, so little in job security, so little in respect and dignity, why so few of us are employed for full-time wages and benefits is simply this: we take it. As long as some of us line up to accept what is offered, the longer the offers will remain what they are. So, I left. I won't be part of that system.
I'm not afraid of poverty, only losing my dignity and self-respect. And so I am unemployed. But damn, I'm going to pursue something I believe in, which promises even the potential to have a positive impact on the world. I will not lie down. I will not simply take it. I will do what I can. I will live in accord with my principles. I will bury my pride and indignation (because disgust, even justified, is not a useful motive for accomplishing anything good).
I am a homeowner now (at least 20%). I am a father and husband. I am a son, and brother, a son-in-law, and brother-in-law. I am an American (with the joy and sorrow that affords).
Today, a new chapter begins!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Home owned!
No longer packing. No longer flying. No longer toting (three boys, three car seats, three cats, luggage). Movers should arrive in about a week (hopefully less). Car and van are expected on Monday.
We signed over a large bank check to the mortgage broker today, received a much smaller refund check from them for the difference, and a stack of papers including a warrant deed for our own nice little property in the midst of a wet snow flurry. A welcome greeting. We're still with the inlaws... but I think we're finally HOME... for a time at least.
We signed over a large bank check to the mortgage broker today, received a much smaller refund check from them for the difference, and a stack of papers including a warrant deed for our own nice little property in the midst of a wet snow flurry. A welcome greeting. We're still with the inlaws... but I think we're finally HOME... for a time at least.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Packing interminable
With three boys, and a conscience as a father, it is rather difficult to get much done packing-wise. We put on some coffee, and expect to keep working until our limbs give out. The moving van and crew arrive tomorrow around 8:00 am. They're sending one packer to help finish up. It just seems that there is ever more to do. And the cleaning...
The car shippers still have not found a driver for our vehicles (though we said last Thursday was the earliest they could be picked up), meaning they'll likely remain here after we've gone, and we'll need to leave the keys with a neighbor, who'll serve as contact person for the shippers (should they ever deign to arrange a pickup).
The mortgage broker called today to ask that I send him over our February bank and brokerage statements. I had sent him the January statements a few weeks back, since February's were not yet available. Now!? They sure cut things close! I keep worrying something will fall through, and we'll be left homeless, with our household and vehicles in limbo.
Little things, right? But what are the big things?
It's easier to wipe the slate clean than to find the passion and inspiration to fill it once again. It takes far less time and energy to collapse a house of cards than to have built it in the first place; and proves perhaps even harder to regain the motivation to start anew.
But then, we've stripped ourselves bare, staring at the icy waters that taunt and provoke us to dive in. Is it better to stand naked on shore than to jump? Little choice this late in the game, eh? We'll shiver either way; might as well enjoy the plunge.
Now back to packing.
The car shippers still have not found a driver for our vehicles (though we said last Thursday was the earliest they could be picked up), meaning they'll likely remain here after we've gone, and we'll need to leave the keys with a neighbor, who'll serve as contact person for the shippers (should they ever deign to arrange a pickup).
The mortgage broker called today to ask that I send him over our February bank and brokerage statements. I had sent him the January statements a few weeks back, since February's were not yet available. Now!? They sure cut things close! I keep worrying something will fall through, and we'll be left homeless, with our household and vehicles in limbo.
Little things, right? But what are the big things?
It's easier to wipe the slate clean than to find the passion and inspiration to fill it once again. It takes far less time and energy to collapse a house of cards than to have built it in the first place; and proves perhaps even harder to regain the motivation to start anew.
But then, we've stripped ourselves bare, staring at the icy waters that taunt and provoke us to dive in. Is it better to stand naked on shore than to jump? Little choice this late in the game, eh? We'll shiver either way; might as well enjoy the plunge.
Now back to packing.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
A good day
We promised the boys, iff we were able to get everything packed up today and tomorrow (save whatever we leave for the movers), we'd be able to spend most of Monday and Tuesday simply having fun. Despite a few frustrations (understandable when you're expecting a three-year-old and a five-year-old to entertain themselves), they were rather helpful and creative. They even helped us pack a few boxes. We got a lot done today. I'd even venture that it was our most productive packing day for the past couple weeks.
We'll walk to the ice cream parlor (does anyone else use that term?) for dessert, then a bath for the boys when we return. There's still a lot to pack, but I think we're on top of things now. Frankly, I'm more worried about the cleaning up. But then, it's only money. They required a rather hefty security deposit upon renting (two months' rent), which amounts to close to a month's worth of living expenses on our new budget. So, it'd be nice to get the lion's share of it back. But, there are things out of our control.
The property managers switched a few months after we started renting. The house is owned by an old (and somewhat senile) woman, whose children have been bickering, and accusing each other of embezzlement and neglect and such. We rented from the son and daughter-in-law (who were marvelously supportive), then the daughter and son-in-law took over the reins with a rather different philosophy on maintenance (she actually asked the electrician--who had been called last summer, when the temperature was above 109F, because the power would go out everytime the air conditioner kicked in, largely because more than half of the house was on a single circuit--does it have to be repaired?... I mean, it's been like that for forty years!)
She came by last week (with her rental agent!) to do a "walk through". Um... it won't be clean yet. Yeah, yeah, I understand. She sent us an email: the carpet was new when you moved in. Um, yeah... but now it's not... it's been lived on for two years. In any case, I see her working herself up for retaining as much of our deposit as she can muster.
But.... but, it's only money. I am so ready for this chapter to be done. Keep it all and I'll be a bit miffed. But I vow not to raise my blood pressure fretting over it. We do what we can. We're having the carpet professionally cleaned, and we're scrubbing and patching, and painting what we can.
Meantime, there are bigger fish to fry, and a whole wonderful new chapter of our lives to start writing. I set a big goal today: before half of our savings are depleted (figuring we've got two years of living expenses), I will get my first investor or first contract for the business.
Today, the weather here has been in the 80s, touching 90 I believe. They forecast a low of 50s tonight. Meanwhile fresh snow falls on the large corner lot of our new home (with a corner lot's sidewalk to clear). The weather gods are not being kind to us... or perhaps they're just testing our resolve. Any recommendations for a good snow shovel (or snow blower)?
We'll walk to the ice cream parlor (does anyone else use that term?) for dessert, then a bath for the boys when we return. There's still a lot to pack, but I think we're on top of things now. Frankly, I'm more worried about the cleaning up. But then, it's only money. They required a rather hefty security deposit upon renting (two months' rent), which amounts to close to a month's worth of living expenses on our new budget. So, it'd be nice to get the lion's share of it back. But, there are things out of our control.
The property managers switched a few months after we started renting. The house is owned by an old (and somewhat senile) woman, whose children have been bickering, and accusing each other of embezzlement and neglect and such. We rented from the son and daughter-in-law (who were marvelously supportive), then the daughter and son-in-law took over the reins with a rather different philosophy on maintenance (she actually asked the electrician--who had been called last summer, when the temperature was above 109F, because the power would go out everytime the air conditioner kicked in, largely because more than half of the house was on a single circuit--does it have to be repaired?... I mean, it's been like that for forty years!)
She came by last week (with her rental agent!) to do a "walk through". Um... it won't be clean yet. Yeah, yeah, I understand. She sent us an email: the carpet was new when you moved in. Um, yeah... but now it's not... it's been lived on for two years. In any case, I see her working herself up for retaining as much of our deposit as she can muster.
But.... but, it's only money. I am so ready for this chapter to be done. Keep it all and I'll be a bit miffed. But I vow not to raise my blood pressure fretting over it. We do what we can. We're having the carpet professionally cleaned, and we're scrubbing and patching, and painting what we can.
Meantime, there are bigger fish to fry, and a whole wonderful new chapter of our lives to start writing. I set a big goal today: before half of our savings are depleted (figuring we've got two years of living expenses), I will get my first investor or first contract for the business.
Today, the weather here has been in the 80s, touching 90 I believe. They forecast a low of 50s tonight. Meanwhile fresh snow falls on the large corner lot of our new home (with a corner lot's sidewalk to clear). The weather gods are not being kind to us... or perhaps they're just testing our resolve. Any recommendations for a good snow shovel (or snow blower)?
Friday, March 21, 2008
A bit poorer and whole lot richer
Today 3/4 of our cash savings vanished from our account in one fell swoop. Yesterday, I requested a bank check be sent to me to cover our closing costs. It should arrive here at our soon-to-be-departed rental on Monday. The movers come on Tuesday to pack up our belongings. Wednesday we fly, one-way, toward our new home. We close on Thursday at 11:00. The movers should arrive the following Monday or Tuesday.
The mortgage broker says he's got everything lined up to complete the paperwork today (the deadline for our contingency). I wish it had been done weeks ago, but certain things are beyond our control. Current utilities have been set to turn off next week. I've set up our utilities to turn on in our names in the new house. I've cleared out my office, and carted everything home. I sent the movers our credit authorization today.
There's still a bunch of things to pack in boxes, though we're entering the phase of pack it in, we'll sort it out later. Tonight we'll try to pack up our suitcases, and whatever else we need for the next week, then pile everything else into boxes. We'll pay the movers to box up the computers and electronics. Friends have agreed to adopt my three mango, and four avocado trees, all grown from pit a couple years ago, currently thriving in oversize pots on the patio.
All that remains is to book a hotel room and rental car for the day or two before we catch a plane. That, and cleaning, touch up paint, minor repairs. Today was the Painter's final day of kindergarten here. I visited for the last hour, and took pictures. They'll miss him, and he'll miss his friends.
And they forecast 10" of snow to fall tonight... Are we ready for this? I think so!
The mortgage broker says he's got everything lined up to complete the paperwork today (the deadline for our contingency). I wish it had been done weeks ago, but certain things are beyond our control. Current utilities have been set to turn off next week. I've set up our utilities to turn on in our names in the new house. I've cleared out my office, and carted everything home. I sent the movers our credit authorization today.
There's still a bunch of things to pack in boxes, though we're entering the phase of pack it in, we'll sort it out later. Tonight we'll try to pack up our suitcases, and whatever else we need for the next week, then pile everything else into boxes. We'll pay the movers to box up the computers and electronics. Friends have agreed to adopt my three mango, and four avocado trees, all grown from pit a couple years ago, currently thriving in oversize pots on the patio.
All that remains is to book a hotel room and rental car for the day or two before we catch a plane. That, and cleaning, touch up paint, minor repairs. Today was the Painter's final day of kindergarten here. I visited for the last hour, and took pictures. They'll miss him, and he'll miss his friends.
And they forecast 10" of snow to fall tonight... Are we ready for this? I think so!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Another goodbye
As if to mark this week for what it is, I've received three rejection letters from institutions where I had applied for faculty posts earlier in the season. One came in the form of a personal email from someone I had spent some time with on the phone, and whose conversation had in fact decided me in favor of an application which I was leaning against submitting.
Redacted to preserve anonymity, he wrote:
Redacted to preserve anonymity, he wrote:
Dear Articulate,It took me a week, and a couple thrown-away drafts to reply:
No public announcement yet, but I am writing to say that we have made an offer in our [Field 1] search and it has been accepted. I know these things sometimes linger without conclusion for the candidates until someone mentions that so-and-so got the job. I didn't want that to happen in this case.
In the end, we hired [name], a 2007 [Top-ranked Private University] PhD. Her central work on [research focus] fit the main focus of our search very well, but her secondary specialities in [secondary areas] proved irresistible to the committee because of [reasons].
So, thanks for applying and all the best for the future.
[initials]
Dear Rick,I've come to believe that some things simply need to be said. I just wonder if anyone is listening.
I thank you for your thoughtfulness in thinking of me. To be honest, I made the decision a couple of months ago to walk away from academia. Four years after completing my dissertation, and ~150 faculty applications later, I'd had enough. I am bitterly disappointed and discouraged by the utter lack of societal support for education, and by what I perceive as a pervasive spinelessness among the academic community, especially in the humanities, to stand up and say "enough is enough." It simply isn't right that there are so few positions, that pay and benefits are so pathetic, and that so many inestimably worthy PhDs are left to wallow in unemployment for so long. I spent last semester in "adjunct servitude" teaching what was called part-time--I had 78 students in two courses-- for a measly $7700 with no benefits, and nothing more than a term-to-term contract. I encouraged them to split the courses in two for subsequent terms and hire me full-time with benefits, which they refused to do. So I resigned at the end of the term rather than renew under those conditions. And I've ceased applying for faculty positions.
I've decided to live off of savings for the next couple years, and work to build my own research firm, working on [the crux of my research]. Who knows if it will succeed. But frankly, anything is better than working for a private university (commanding $30,000 year in tuition) to make no more on an hourly basis than I did as a waiter twenty years ago (with no more job security or benefits than I had then). The hardest thing for me is leaving behind the classroom, which I love, and my students. I am a good teacher. Of that I have no doubt. My student evaluations confirm this. What a pity to society that there are thousands like me, far more than those hired to faculty positions, pushed out of a career we've spent our lives preparing for.
Enough is enough!
All my best to you Rick, as well, and best wishes for [new hire's] present and future success.
/Articulate
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Lemon Rind
Recent correspondence with my friend Sara Chaisano at Lemon University [tenured a couple years ago], saying "goodbye, we're moving on". We've been trying to plan a get together so she can meet the Composer before we head on. Unfortunately, it looks unlikely with our schedules.
She had asked whether I had received my student evaluations for last term. I replied:
And so, I'm reminded why I've made this choice, and I'm reinforced in my belief that walking away is the right one.
She had asked whether I had received my student evaluations for last term. I replied:
I wonder if you have any stats for the course over time, so I might compare my rankings to standards. Not that I suspect it will much matter, having decided to walk away from a potential academic career. Never know, I might change my mind. But I'm so disappointed and discouraged by what seems like pervasive exploitation of PhDs, both as adjuncts, and as underpaid and overworked tenure-track faculty, that I have lost interest in pursuing the career I spent the past decade preparing for.Her response:
I hear you about the underpaid overworked part time AND full time tenure track faculty! And it gets only marginally better after tenure, unless you're in a law school or business school where you can make gobs of money. We have the bad end of the stick any way you look at it. Sigh.
I wish you much luck with your new lives!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Packing nostalgia
I am 40 years old. I have lost count of how many places I have called home in my two score years. What I can tell you is that I have only once lived in the same place for more than four years (that was during elementary school, first grade through the beginning of sixth grade). Mostly, two years is a chapter.
Somehow, I have managed to accumulate and retain a great deal of stuff. Every move presents a chance to reminisce, and to purge. There is something freeing about tossing items I've long held on to, but which offer me little more than added weight and bulk. But how do you know? Sometimes I remember sadly a package of items I once tossed only to regret the loss of memory that tossing has meant.
Life, like a river, flows.
Somehow, I have managed to accumulate and retain a great deal of stuff. Every move presents a chance to reminisce, and to purge. There is something freeing about tossing items I've long held on to, but which offer me little more than added weight and bulk. But how do you know? Sometimes I remember sadly a package of items I once tossed only to regret the loss of memory that tossing has meant.
Life, like a river, flows.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Apprehension
These days are a bit of a blur. Much to do. Many little things occupy my time.
I still worry about the world. I hope for peace in the Middle East. I wonder at how similar these "suicide bombers" may really be to the American-style school shooters. How different really is a 25-year old murderer in Jerusalem from a 26-year old murderer in Dekalb? I hope for peaceful retransition to democracy in Pakistan. I hope for a peaceful resolution to the infantile yet dangerous posturing of Iran on nuclear enrichment. I wonder if this country of mine will have the wherewithal to reject the war-mongering of a John McCain presidency. (I can't help but laugh darkly at the incongruence of Dick Cheney talking up peace and concern over high-priced oil in the Middle East). I wonder whether (should a Democrat take the White House) there will be strength and foresight to rise above the populism of today's campaigning to deal with serious issues with seriousness, rather than short-sighted popularity-raising.
And... I remain a little apprehensive about the next few years for my family as well. I've taken care to move much of our non-retirement savings and investments into more stable holdings, which have so far proven somewhat immune to the wild swings of the market (though our retirement holdings have not). For now I still believe we've got a good two years of living expenses covered. I worry that something will still go wrong with the purchase, that the loan (though the loan officer assures me everything is kosher--the appraisal is scheduled for tomorrow) will somehow slip away, and we'll be left without a house to move to. Irrational fears perhaps... but it ain't over 'til it's over.
There's really little to fear perhaps. We're incredibly lucky, I realize, that we can even consider this move. There are many no less worthy than us who couldn't imagine two months without income, much less two years, even if our calculated risk takes us to a region with a cost of living 15-20% below the U.S. average. We've been smart with our money, I'll venture... but very lucky nonetheless. I want nothing more at the moment than to prove worthy of this time. It's not without risk. But then how much are two years of life worth? The risk I'm willing to take.
I still worry about the world. I hope for peace in the Middle East. I wonder at how similar these "suicide bombers" may really be to the American-style school shooters. How different really is a 25-year old murderer in Jerusalem from a 26-year old murderer in Dekalb? I hope for peaceful retransition to democracy in Pakistan. I hope for a peaceful resolution to the infantile yet dangerous posturing of Iran on nuclear enrichment. I wonder if this country of mine will have the wherewithal to reject the war-mongering of a John McCain presidency. (I can't help but laugh darkly at the incongruence of Dick Cheney talking up peace and concern over high-priced oil in the Middle East). I wonder whether (should a Democrat take the White House) there will be strength and foresight to rise above the populism of today's campaigning to deal with serious issues with seriousness, rather than short-sighted popularity-raising.
And... I remain a little apprehensive about the next few years for my family as well. I've taken care to move much of our non-retirement savings and investments into more stable holdings, which have so far proven somewhat immune to the wild swings of the market (though our retirement holdings have not). For now I still believe we've got a good two years of living expenses covered. I worry that something will still go wrong with the purchase, that the loan (though the loan officer assures me everything is kosher--the appraisal is scheduled for tomorrow) will somehow slip away, and we'll be left without a house to move to. Irrational fears perhaps... but it ain't over 'til it's over.
There's really little to fear perhaps. We're incredibly lucky, I realize, that we can even consider this move. There are many no less worthy than us who couldn't imagine two months without income, much less two years, even if our calculated risk takes us to a region with a cost of living 15-20% below the U.S. average. We've been smart with our money, I'll venture... but very lucky nonetheless. I want nothing more at the moment than to prove worthy of this time. It's not without risk. But then how much are two years of life worth? The risk I'm willing to take.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
A dandelion day
Just a fine day, earlier in the week, for blowing dandelion seedheads, as my two older boys were eager to remind me.
Scatter
Another ritual of cleansing: Going through one of our filing cabinets, I came across a folder of faculty job rejection letters from several years ago (starting with one of the earliest in December 2003 while I was on a Fulbright grant in Central Europe). I stopped keeping them after the first couple seasons of applications. This is but a tiny selection of letters I've received since the fall of 2003. I had been told there were three prime years for faculty applications (the year before you finish, the dissertation year, and the year after). Well, I can say with confidence... that bit of advice served me about as well as a wad of gum on the underside of my shoe on a hot August afternoon.These letters, along with reams of other documents and papers that we no longer need, will be duly shredded this afternoon, and given some useful function as packing material. I am so ready for this move. A new chapter is about to begin!
Choices
I mentioned in passing earlier in the week that we had donated more than fifty books to the library. Twice before this year we had already donated perhaps two hundred. We've gotten rid of many books over the past few years. In some ways this last set was like the proverbial last 20 pounds you seek to lose (or at least it was the first five of the last twenty).
Many of these books were ones I'd had for years, either which I had begun to read, then set aside, or which I intended to read but hadn't yet gotten to. Several were ones I might have expected to assign (or at least refer to) in courses I might have taught had I been hired for the interdisciplinary post I was seeking. But I wasn't offered the post, and I've applied for no further faculty positions since that interview. I've lost interest.
Purging those books from my shelves was a nod that a certain chapter in my life has ended. I am no longer a student, seeking to hold on to anything that might be useful to me down the road. Nor am I a prospective faculty member, wishing to retain on my shelves any book that might prove a boon for me or a student at some point.
I look at a field of long grass, with a scythe in hand, intent on forging a new path. Many of the tools I carried in the past will not serve me here. I need to let them go. Letting go those books was a start.
Many of these books were ones I'd had for years, either which I had begun to read, then set aside, or which I intended to read but hadn't yet gotten to. Several were ones I might have expected to assign (or at least refer to) in courses I might have taught had I been hired for the interdisciplinary post I was seeking. But I wasn't offered the post, and I've applied for no further faculty positions since that interview. I've lost interest.
Purging those books from my shelves was a nod that a certain chapter in my life has ended. I am no longer a student, seeking to hold on to anything that might be useful to me down the road. Nor am I a prospective faculty member, wishing to retain on my shelves any book that might prove a boon for me or a student at some point.
I look at a field of long grass, with a scythe in hand, intent on forging a new path. Many of the tools I carried in the past will not serve me here. I need to let them go. Letting go those books was a start.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Little changes/big changes
The beard is gone. I had stopped shaving the day Composer was born. I can still grow a handsome beard in about three weeks or so, though just a hint of gray peppers the coloration. But Rocket seems to like the look of my beard more than its prickles. Besides, she says, she likes my clean-shaven face too. My hair has grown long again... or longish, not quite to my shoulders, but longer than it's been for a couple years. I've been wearing t-shirts, jeans, and sweatshirts a lot more lately, and fewer button downs and slacks. I've no one to impress at the moment, no classrooms or presentation halls to stand up in front of. I'm on no one's schedule (at least no one over the age of 5!), except my own.
Yesterday, I picked up a vanload of used boxes from the movers, free. I got the van serviced (30k mi) this morning. The car was given its 60k mi servicing a couple days ago. Yesterday, I took one of the cats to the vet because of an eye infection. Last week I and the boys visited the dentist. Lots of little details in preparation for the big change.
Lately, Rocket and I have worried over many things, some worthy of our concern, others not. Truth is, this is a measured decision that we have come to together. There are risks and benefits. Most importantly, we asked ourselves what it is we want from the next few years. This choice to move, to buy a house again, in an inexpensive area, near family, where we can build a community, where we can live off savings for a couple years if necessary, seems to be the best of many. Rocket wants a hiatus from her career; I want the chance to forge one that's more dignified and meaningful than adjunct servitude. Where we're going affords us that.
I'll gladly swap the weather report for the traffic report.
Yesterday, I picked up a vanload of used boxes from the movers, free. I got the van serviced (30k mi) this morning. The car was given its 60k mi servicing a couple days ago. Yesterday, I took one of the cats to the vet because of an eye infection. Last week I and the boys visited the dentist. Lots of little details in preparation for the big change.
Lately, Rocket and I have worried over many things, some worthy of our concern, others not. Truth is, this is a measured decision that we have come to together. There are risks and benefits. Most importantly, we asked ourselves what it is we want from the next few years. This choice to move, to buy a house again, in an inexpensive area, near family, where we can build a community, where we can live off savings for a couple years if necessary, seems to be the best of many. Rocket wants a hiatus from her career; I want the chance to forge one that's more dignified and meaningful than adjunct servitude. Where we're going affords us that.
I'll gladly swap the weather report for the traffic report.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Purging
Silent of late, I know. Details. Preparing for the move.
I drove a van full of household items, furniture, electronics, clothes, etc. over to the Goodwill this morning, much of which we had been planning to donate for months.
I just loaded more than 50 books and 100 journals into the van to be driven to the library for donating later.
We've got our third and final bid from a mover coming over to assess this afternoon. The first scared us (at about $16,000!), but was clearly based on faulty judgment at 18,000 lbs of stuff. The second bid came in (about a third the price) with an assumption of 9500 lbs (and a guarantee that the final price won't be more than 10% higher than the estimate). The only reason we're holding out for a third is that it's a company where a family friend works, and he asked that they be allowed to bid.
We've got a bunch of little household tasks to attend to (fix a broken window, have the carpets cleaned, get the cars their overdue servicing), logistics (how are we moving the cats, when can the movers come, what about the car shippers, when should we fly, do we need a hotel room for a night or two, what about a rental car?).
Rocket went through a brief panic, wondering if she shouldn't go back to work, part-time, or temporarily... what are we going to do? Live off savings? What if it doesn't work out? But, in the end she decided it's alright to jump now. We'll have time to figure everything out.
In any case, we're back to heading out at the end of this month, leaving us precious little time to waste. So, I've been a bit distracted from everything (including blogging). This is a good choice for us. We'll be happy, we'll be more in control of our lives, we'll own a house again. I have confidence.
I drove a van full of household items, furniture, electronics, clothes, etc. over to the Goodwill this morning, much of which we had been planning to donate for months.
I just loaded more than 50 books and 100 journals into the van to be driven to the library for donating later.
We've got our third and final bid from a mover coming over to assess this afternoon. The first scared us (at about $16,000!), but was clearly based on faulty judgment at 18,000 lbs of stuff. The second bid came in (about a third the price) with an assumption of 9500 lbs (and a guarantee that the final price won't be more than 10% higher than the estimate). The only reason we're holding out for a third is that it's a company where a family friend works, and he asked that they be allowed to bid.
We've got a bunch of little household tasks to attend to (fix a broken window, have the carpets cleaned, get the cars their overdue servicing), logistics (how are we moving the cats, when can the movers come, what about the car shippers, when should we fly, do we need a hotel room for a night or two, what about a rental car?).
Rocket went through a brief panic, wondering if she shouldn't go back to work, part-time, or temporarily... what are we going to do? Live off savings? What if it doesn't work out? But, in the end she decided it's alright to jump now. We'll have time to figure everything out.
In any case, we're back to heading out at the end of this month, leaving us precious little time to waste. So, I've been a bit distracted from everything (including blogging). This is a good choice for us. We'll be happy, we'll be more in control of our lives, we'll own a house again. I have confidence.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
And we're OFFer
Thank you, friends, for all your remarks. I was very comfortable with our agent, who was referred to us by the rabbi of the local synagogue. He was honest and straight-forward, conscientious and industrious, sorting through all the listings, picking those in neighborhoods, as he put it, that he'd feel comfortable living in himself. He's spent his whole life in the area.
To clarify, the area comprises two small cities, about 10 miles distant from each other. The synagogue is located in the larger and more progressive of the two (which in general has a better economy, and thus commands about a 15% premium in housing). A) & B) were located in the smaller (slightly less desirable) of the two, C) a foreclosure in a nice part of the larger. We had also been considering other communities within a 1-2 hour radius of there, but after our first day of looking (and after the Home Shabbat, establishing rapport with the re@ltor, and making new friends) we decided to stick with these two cities.
To answer then the questions I had raised in Community vs. Home, which were recalled in comments, we were not forced to make the choice, in part because we were willing and able to raise our target home price. We bid on B). Their asking price was the price they paid for it two years ago. We bid about 10% below that; They countered with a 5% price reduction. Considering how much the renovations and such would likely have cost in A) or C), we figured it was pretty much a wash. We accepted. Now it's just a matter of getting the financing all wrapped up, arranging for our move, and heading off (at the end of March!). HR at Rocket Central will be sending a letter confirming Rocket's non-leave employment and salary, which should be enough to satisfy certification for financing (let's hope!).
While there is great appeal to being able to design a kitchen to my liking, there is also something to be said for turnkey condition. I might like to put in new counters in this one down the road, maybe even a center island, but everything is clean, and in great condition. It's a nice size at 10 x 13. The cabinetry has been updated in the past few years.
We'll still have some work to do (by choice not necessity), we'll be able to move in right away and get settled. Near-term projects will include finishing off the basement (making ourselves an entertainment/play room), and likely building a greenhouse in the backyard.
The next few weeks will be a whirlwind, I'm sure. Now it's purging and packing, tying up loose ends, preparing for the changes.
To clarify, the area comprises two small cities, about 10 miles distant from each other. The synagogue is located in the larger and more progressive of the two (which in general has a better economy, and thus commands about a 15% premium in housing). A) & B) were located in the smaller (slightly less desirable) of the two, C) a foreclosure in a nice part of the larger. We had also been considering other communities within a 1-2 hour radius of there, but after our first day of looking (and after the Home Shabbat, establishing rapport with the re@ltor, and making new friends) we decided to stick with these two cities.
To answer then the questions I had raised in Community vs. Home, which were recalled in comments, we were not forced to make the choice, in part because we were willing and able to raise our target home price. We bid on B). Their asking price was the price they paid for it two years ago. We bid about 10% below that; They countered with a 5% price reduction. Considering how much the renovations and such would likely have cost in A) or C), we figured it was pretty much a wash. We accepted. Now it's just a matter of getting the financing all wrapped up, arranging for our move, and heading off (at the end of March!). HR at Rocket Central will be sending a letter confirming Rocket's non-leave employment and salary, which should be enough to satisfy certification for financing (let's hope!).
While there is great appeal to being able to design a kitchen to my liking, there is also something to be said for turnkey condition. I might like to put in new counters in this one down the road, maybe even a center island, but everything is clean, and in great condition. It's a nice size at 10 x 13. The cabinetry has been updated in the past few years.We'll still have some work to do (by choice not necessity), we'll be able to move in right away and get settled. Near-term projects will include finishing off the basement (making ourselves an entertainment/play room), and likely building a greenhouse in the backyard.
The next few weeks will be a whirlwind, I'm sure. Now it's purging and packing, tying up loose ends, preparing for the changes.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
My three sons
The Composer, at three weeks old. Getting cuter everyday.
The Inventor, showing his mischievous side.
The Painter, looking more and more the schoolboy.
The Inventor, showing his mischievous side.
The Painter, looking more and more the schoolboy.
Back from the trip
I hesitated to title this post "Back Home". We're not home here. This has just been a landing pad, a stopover on our journey. I think we're ready to get back on the train.
All told, we spent three full days with an agent, looking at about 30 homes, several more than once. Some were quite forgettable; others rather unforgettable, for good and bad. What's amazing is the realization that housing where we're looking is without exaggeration 1/5-1/6 of the cost of comparable housing here. On bestplaces.net, our current area rates a 325 for housing costs (U.S. average=100) vs. the prospective community's 53-60.
We had set our priorities: a nice-sized and well-laid out kitchen; a good-sized yard (big enough for a vegetable garden, and running around room for the boys); a decent neighborhood; priced under $150k; 3+ bedrooms (at least two of good size); we need space for our books and piano, space for a home office, space for our entertainment center, and space for the boys to play.
In the end, we were down to three under consideration.
A) Listed at $124,000. Wood exterior, needing paint in the next year or two. Two car garage is a tear-down. Kitchen on the small side, but possible to remodel into the dining room (maybe a rather large eat-in). Large yard, corner lot. 10x10 sun room could be home office); fireplace; hardwood floors throughout; central air, fairly new furnace; unfinished basement; good neighborhood.
B) Listed at $150,000. Three bedrooms upstairs. Large yard, corner lot. Office room on main floor. Nice kitchen (everything updated, new cabinets and stone floor). Hardwood throughout; carpet in living room. Newer furnace; central air; programmable thermostat; vinyl siding; 5-year old 2.5 car garage; unfinished basement; large yard; same neighborhood as above.
C) Listed at $135,000. Great neighborhood. Lots of cosmetic work needed (including new kitchen). Hardwood throughout. Aluminum siding. Partially finished basement. Medium yard (but two houses down from a nice park and playground). 1.5 car garage needs work. Across the street from new friends from the synagogue with two kids. (They had us over for dinner on Saturday).
What are your thoughts? More coming soon...
All told, we spent three full days with an agent, looking at about 30 homes, several more than once. Some were quite forgettable; others rather unforgettable, for good and bad. What's amazing is the realization that housing where we're looking is without exaggeration 1/5-1/6 of the cost of comparable housing here. On bestplaces.net, our current area rates a 325 for housing costs (U.S. average=100) vs. the prospective community's 53-60.
We had set our priorities: a nice-sized and well-laid out kitchen; a good-sized yard (big enough for a vegetable garden, and running around room for the boys); a decent neighborhood; priced under $150k; 3+ bedrooms (at least two of good size); we need space for our books and piano, space for a home office, space for our entertainment center, and space for the boys to play.
In the end, we were down to three under consideration.
A) Listed at $124,000. Wood exterior, needing paint in the next year or two. Two car garage is a tear-down. Kitchen on the small side, but possible to remodel into the dining room (maybe a rather large eat-in). Large yard, corner lot. 10x10 sun room could be home office); fireplace; hardwood floors throughout; central air, fairly new furnace; unfinished basement; good neighborhood.
B) Listed at $150,000. Three bedrooms upstairs. Large yard, corner lot. Office room on main floor. Nice kitchen (everything updated, new cabinets and stone floor). Hardwood throughout; carpet in living room. Newer furnace; central air; programmable thermostat; vinyl siding; 5-year old 2.5 car garage; unfinished basement; large yard; same neighborhood as above.
C) Listed at $135,000. Great neighborhood. Lots of cosmetic work needed (including new kitchen). Hardwood throughout. Aluminum siding. Partially finished basement. Medium yard (but two houses down from a nice park and playground). 1.5 car garage needs work. Across the street from new friends from the synagogue with two kids. (They had us over for dinner on Saturday).What are your thoughts? More coming soon...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Community vs. Home
I've been struggling with a post, which keeps becoming longer and more complicated than I'd like.
Here is the essence: Which is more important community or home?
Here's what I mean: our current first pick locale leads in part because of the prospect to become part of the local Jewish community there. I've never been an active member of a synagogue before. But I'd like to pass along to my boys a sense of my heritage, which in today's America seems impossible without such a connection. (When public schools send children home with countdown chains for Christmas, teach them to sing "the Lord is come" in the winter pageant, have them write letters to Santa, and insist that Christmas is a secular holiday, how is a child not to become confused?)
But I fear we may be forced to choose between being near such a community or finding a place that satisfies our housing requirements. Which is more important? If I'm to be working at home, and Rocket has no work outside the house for a time, that leads me to think those requirements are more stringent.
Community is hypothetical, potential. A home is where we'll spend our lives, but for the few spare hours each day or week that we go elsewhere. The point is, doesn't it seem where and how we spend most of our time should weigh most heavily on our decisions?
If the choice is between being near a possible community and having a home that fulfills our expectations (sufficient land for a garden and running around space for the boys, a sizable kitchen, space enough for a reasonable home office, and costs that allow us to survive for 2-3 years), I think I lean toward the latter.
Assuming I succeed in turning these ideas into self-sustaining support, we can always move nearer to community then, eh?
Here is the essence: Which is more important community or home?
Here's what I mean: our current first pick locale leads in part because of the prospect to become part of the local Jewish community there. I've never been an active member of a synagogue before. But I'd like to pass along to my boys a sense of my heritage, which in today's America seems impossible without such a connection. (When public schools send children home with countdown chains for Christmas, teach them to sing "the Lord is come" in the winter pageant, have them write letters to Santa, and insist that Christmas is a secular holiday, how is a child not to become confused?)
But I fear we may be forced to choose between being near such a community or finding a place that satisfies our housing requirements. Which is more important? If I'm to be working at home, and Rocket has no work outside the house for a time, that leads me to think those requirements are more stringent.
Community is hypothetical, potential. A home is where we'll spend our lives, but for the few spare hours each day or week that we go elsewhere. The point is, doesn't it seem where and how we spend most of our time should weigh most heavily on our decisions?
If the choice is between being near a possible community and having a home that fulfills our expectations (sufficient land for a garden and running around space for the boys, a sizable kitchen, space enough for a reasonable home office, and costs that allow us to survive for 2-3 years), I think I lean toward the latter.
Assuming I succeed in turning these ideas into self-sustaining support, we can always move nearer to community then, eh?
Off to Nether-Somewhere Land
Tomorrow we fly. I wonder what we'll find. I've been in touch with several real est@te agents this week. Can't be certain we'll find what we're looking for, where we're looking, in the price range we can afford. Much is still up in the air. But we've got some time. We could move in March. We could move in June.
Where would you live? What constitutes a good neighborhood or a bad one? What makes a good school or an excellent one? Everything is subjective.
So, we'll go, and we'll look, and we'll see. This week should give us a sense of many things. What'll work? One conclusion we have come to is that size of a house matters a great deal when you expect to spend most of your waking hours there. People who don't work inside the home have no idea how cramped it can feel.
We're not talking mansion here (though there is one property we're interested in seeing, a repo, that's about 2800 sqft!). I measured up our current house. It comes to about 1400 sqft (+ a two car garage, no basement). That's about as small as we can make do. I tell agents 1500-1600 sqft minimum. They send me listings 1100 sqft. You wonder... I know a basement is space... but it's a basement. We'll fill it with storage, trust me. Or a play area, and toys, a work area for projects. But unless it's finished with heat and lighting, I'm not likely to make it my office.
4 bedrooms/2 baths. They send me 3 bedrooms/1 bath. Um...
We've got a piano, and three 4' x 7' bookcases. They've got to go somewhere! Why do we need 4 bedrooms? One for us; One (largish one) for the boys; a guest room/play room... and a home office. That's four. So... we'll see.
Wish us well.
Where would you live? What constitutes a good neighborhood or a bad one? What makes a good school or an excellent one? Everything is subjective.
So, we'll go, and we'll look, and we'll see. This week should give us a sense of many things. What'll work? One conclusion we have come to is that size of a house matters a great deal when you expect to spend most of your waking hours there. People who don't work inside the home have no idea how cramped it can feel.
We're not talking mansion here (though there is one property we're interested in seeing, a repo, that's about 2800 sqft!). I measured up our current house. It comes to about 1400 sqft (+ a two car garage, no basement). That's about as small as we can make do. I tell agents 1500-1600 sqft minimum. They send me listings 1100 sqft. You wonder... I know a basement is space... but it's a basement. We'll fill it with storage, trust me. Or a play area, and toys, a work area for projects. But unless it's finished with heat and lighting, I'm not likely to make it my office.
4 bedrooms/2 baths. They send me 3 bedrooms/1 bath. Um...
We've got a piano, and three 4' x 7' bookcases. They've got to go somewhere! Why do we need 4 bedrooms? One for us; One (largish one) for the boys; a guest room/play room... and a home office. That's four. So... we'll see.
Wish us well.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Out of the stupor
These past couple days I've been absolutely and utterly exhausted. Frequently interrupted sleep is a nasty condition. Yesterday, I came home around 4:00, and promptly hit my pillow for about an hour. Then, I went to bed before 10:00 and slept until nearly 7:00. Today, again, I was drowsy. I picked up my mom at the airport, after getting the Painter from kindergarten, and picking up the Inventor (who wanted to join us) from home. I narrowly escaped a few very bad judgments on my part while driving home. I chalk it up as sleep deprivation. That's a good reason not to drive more than necessary.
Somehow, out of the stupor of the past couple days, I've made admirable progress on my major unresolved issue. Sure, it takes me a while. But, time is something I have in abundance. My white board has remained uncluttered since I wrote about it in that earlier post, except for the addition of the words breathe and smile. They help I think.
I know about myself that I work most productively in spurts, long seemingly uninspired periods of mulling, then bam. It's nice to have hit a spurt on this issue, since it is a fulcrum of sorts on which much of the rest of my proof-of-concept work depends.
But, there still remains this little matter of mastering C++. [SIGH]
Somehow, out of the stupor of the past couple days, I've made admirable progress on my major unresolved issue. Sure, it takes me a while. But, time is something I have in abundance. My white board has remained uncluttered since I wrote about it in that earlier post, except for the addition of the words breathe and smile. They help I think.
I know about myself that I work most productively in spurts, long seemingly uninspired periods of mulling, then bam. It's nice to have hit a spurt on this issue, since it is a fulcrum of sorts on which much of the rest of my proof-of-concept work depends.
But, there still remains this little matter of mastering C++. [SIGH]
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Hearing Silence
Hearing silence: deafening.
There is no shame in deafness.
Not in hearing lies the fault.
I strain my eyes at silent walls,
dull with grey, speckled by doubt,
and wonder if vision's gone awry.
Why do I look?
Walls will not change of their own.
They have no voice to speak.
Yet there is a voice that speaks.
No use wondering why I don't hear it.
Perhaps all I need ... is listen.
There is no shame in deafness.
Not in hearing lies the fault.
I strain my eyes at silent walls,
dull with grey, speckled by doubt,
and wonder if vision's gone awry.
Why do I look?
Walls will not change of their own.
They have no voice to speak.
Yet there is a voice that speaks.
No use wondering why I don't hear it.
Perhaps all I need ... is listen.
Anxiety, Self-Doubt, Courage
Rocket recently put it rather astutely: Right now, I'm just a bit overwhelmed. Indeed! Echo that for me.
- Three boys at home.
- Delightful they are, but exhausting.
- The youngest, now a mere two weeks alive, still in that stage of "WOW! The World!" [SNORT SNORT SNUFFLE GRUNT] [Grimace]
- For those with kids: you forget this stage, but there he is, completely dependent upon us, and with little to do but flop and observe.
- For those without kids: This stage of life is like having a very precious, demanding, and wonderful pet, whom you know, you just know, will grow very suddenly into something even more remarkable. But you wait.
- The middle boy trying (I know he's trying) to leave behind diapers and enter the world of the potty-trained (but our patience gives out at times, when all the training pants and clothes are dirty).
- The oldest is ready for the new move. He couldn't understand why we'll only be spending five days on our upcoming trip.
- I thought we were going to move to a new house?
- Um... but we've got to find a place, we've got to be sure we'll like the new town, we've got to put an offer on a house, then pack, and figure out how we're going to move, and... Come here, give me a hug.
- A wife on leave, with vanishingly little intention to return to her job.
- I'm proud of her courage.
- I just fear I won't provide for her the way she has for me these past several years.
- A small horde of savings that may last us about two years.
- A jittery economy and financial markets don't settle my worries, though I'm glad I started moving a chunk of funds out of equities into cash and bonds last September. My hunch was right.
- A world of possibilities.
- Will I succeed in building my ideas into marketable products?
- Will I retain myself, will I maintain my commitments to bettering the world?
- Will I remember my research while I need to find ways for it to pay for itself?
- I try to remember that I am me, no matter what.
- I try to recall that none of the important things in life (my family, my self, my mind) are at risk. Only money, and time.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Už jsme tu kde jsme byli
--as they say, where I did my Fulbright (or "back to square one" as we say in these parts).
I find myself once again delving into the realm of computer programming. This week has begun with a return to where I was in the summer, before I (foolhardily, as it turned out) sought the support of experienced programmers to aid me on my journey to setting up my proofs-of-concept. Foolhardy, because it wasted a great deal of my energy and time, and netted me nothing but frustration. Truth is, I have no desire to become a programmer first and foremost. That said, I need to know enough to direct the efforts of those whom I expect eventually to hire. Nothing better for that than getting my feet wet.
If I were able to find a kindred soul, someone passionately interested in what I'm trying to accomplish, not terribly entrenched in the status quo of the field, eager to try something new, and who just happened to have a complementary set of skills to mine, well... I'd be in heaven. For now, I'll have to stick with planet earth, which means if you want it done (whether right I can't yet say) you've got to do it yourself.
In some ways, this is familiar territory for me. I've described myself (academically) as multidisciplinary to my core. The bane of the interdisciplinary is that one needs (all too) often gain at least a modicum of expertise in multiple areas. One needs to be conversant in multiple dialects and methodologies to be able to find the linkages between otherwise disparate fields of inquiry, linkages that have been overlooked or yet undiscovered. The trick (and it's no small matter) is to maintain a focus on the core of your inquiry so you don't bogged down too easily in great breadth with no depth. Properly done, I think it's like meandering through a woods, rather than sticking to a given path. I wrote a fable of interdiscipline on my old blog a while back that fills out this view.
There is always a balance to be struck. There are great rewards in being self-reliant in this way. But there are also more chances to stumble. Finding the balance, learning enough to carry on the conversation, enough to know when, where, and how to delegate is key. What I'm programming now is simply the tools to prove my ideas work. Once I can drum up interest in what those ideas can accomplish, I can safely hire programmers to make those tools better, and more broadly usable. For now, I'll settle on clunky, as long as I can maneuver it.
I did find a project (by a group of astro-physicists) that may be of great help. They've put together a template library for scientific computing in C++ that can be found here.
Wish me luck.
I find myself once again delving into the realm of computer programming. This week has begun with a return to where I was in the summer, before I (foolhardily, as it turned out) sought the support of experienced programmers to aid me on my journey to setting up my proofs-of-concept. Foolhardy, because it wasted a great deal of my energy and time, and netted me nothing but frustration. Truth is, I have no desire to become a programmer first and foremost. That said, I need to know enough to direct the efforts of those whom I expect eventually to hire. Nothing better for that than getting my feet wet.
If I were able to find a kindred soul, someone passionately interested in what I'm trying to accomplish, not terribly entrenched in the status quo of the field, eager to try something new, and who just happened to have a complementary set of skills to mine, well... I'd be in heaven. For now, I'll have to stick with planet earth, which means if you want it done (whether right I can't yet say) you've got to do it yourself.
In some ways, this is familiar territory for me. I've described myself (academically) as multidisciplinary to my core. The bane of the interdisciplinary is that one needs (all too) often gain at least a modicum of expertise in multiple areas. One needs to be conversant in multiple dialects and methodologies to be able to find the linkages between otherwise disparate fields of inquiry, linkages that have been overlooked or yet undiscovered. The trick (and it's no small matter) is to maintain a focus on the core of your inquiry so you don't bogged down too easily in great breadth with no depth. Properly done, I think it's like meandering through a woods, rather than sticking to a given path. I wrote a fable of interdiscipline on my old blog a while back that fills out this view.
There is always a balance to be struck. There are great rewards in being self-reliant in this way. But there are also more chances to stumble. Finding the balance, learning enough to carry on the conversation, enough to know when, where, and how to delegate is key. What I'm programming now is simply the tools to prove my ideas work. Once I can drum up interest in what those ideas can accomplish, I can safely hire programmers to make those tools better, and more broadly usable. For now, I'll settle on clunky, as long as I can maneuver it.
I did find a project (by a group of astro-physicists) that may be of great help. They've put together a template library for scientific computing in C++ that can be found here.
Wish me luck.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Cleaning my plate
No house guest at the moment. My mom arrives on Friday. This is the first day Rocket had to pack the two younger boys into the van, and drive to pick up Painter from kindergarten. I'm at the office. This is new. She seems to have survived. I called to check.
And we're both surviving our latest push to get the Inventor fully potty-trained. It's a struggle. But we seem to be making progress. At least, there are a few successes to accompany the daily accidents.
That is one part of my life: being a parent. A part, which I have chosen freely, and which (despite its frustrations) I fully embrace.
Having finished and submitted the promised biography (of the protagonist of my dissertation) last week, I find myself essentially with a clean plate. Sure, I have this book chapter to write, but the deadline is at the end of October. While I'd like to get working on it long before that deadline, my priority just now is figuring out the next few months that intervene.
We'll be taking the boys on a trip in a couple weeks, to scout out the territory we're considering for our new homestead. Rocket has been trying to sort out her conflicting emotions and desires regarding the possible move. Importantly, this trip will allow us to take it out of the realm of hypotheticals, and into the realm of considerations. Will we find this place to our liking? What of the houses we might look at? Will they seem acceptable to us? Suitable? Could we see ourselves living there? And thriving?
If all those answers are affirmative, then we've got the logistics of the move to tend to. Are we ready to put an offer on a house? When should we plan the move? How are we going to go about it? How much will it cost?
And, just as importantly, I need to get cracking on my research, building these proofs, getting ready for client and investor demos.
Suppose you find yourself essentially free (but with a deadline some couple years out). I think of the computer graphics unit of early Lucas Films. That was their lives for several years (indeed for several employers). I'm trying to model my work on what they did (there are parallels, in an odd sort of way). Only, I don't have anyone bankrolling my research. We've got to cover it all ourselves, and come up with marketable intermediates along the way to keep funds coming in.
I'm a different sort of entrepreneur. My motivation is the work, and solving the research problems. The money, the marketing... they're just means to the ends. I'm not looking to cash in on a good idea. I've got a lifetime's worth of work set out. My goal is to find ways to sustain myself in that work. The fun part is getting the business to work for me, while I work for the research.
How do you get there from here? That's my task of the moment.
And we're both surviving our latest push to get the Inventor fully potty-trained. It's a struggle. But we seem to be making progress. At least, there are a few successes to accompany the daily accidents.
That is one part of my life: being a parent. A part, which I have chosen freely, and which (despite its frustrations) I fully embrace.
Having finished and submitted the promised biography (of the protagonist of my dissertation) last week, I find myself essentially with a clean plate. Sure, I have this book chapter to write, but the deadline is at the end of October. While I'd like to get working on it long before that deadline, my priority just now is figuring out the next few months that intervene.
We'll be taking the boys on a trip in a couple weeks, to scout out the territory we're considering for our new homestead. Rocket has been trying to sort out her conflicting emotions and desires regarding the possible move. Importantly, this trip will allow us to take it out of the realm of hypotheticals, and into the realm of considerations. Will we find this place to our liking? What of the houses we might look at? Will they seem acceptable to us? Suitable? Could we see ourselves living there? And thriving?
If all those answers are affirmative, then we've got the logistics of the move to tend to. Are we ready to put an offer on a house? When should we plan the move? How are we going to go about it? How much will it cost?
And, just as importantly, I need to get cracking on my research, building these proofs, getting ready for client and investor demos.
Suppose you find yourself essentially free (but with a deadline some couple years out). I think of the computer graphics unit of early Lucas Films. That was their lives for several years (indeed for several employers). I'm trying to model my work on what they did (there are parallels, in an odd sort of way). Only, I don't have anyone bankrolling my research. We've got to cover it all ourselves, and come up with marketable intermediates along the way to keep funds coming in.
I'm a different sort of entrepreneur. My motivation is the work, and solving the research problems. The money, the marketing... they're just means to the ends. I'm not looking to cash in on a good idea. I've got a lifetime's worth of work set out. My goal is to find ways to sustain myself in that work. The fun part is getting the business to work for me, while I work for the research.
How do you get there from here? That's my task of the moment.
Super what?
It is possible to lead a fulfilling life without the least concern as to the plight of sweaty, oversized, overpaid, overhyped athletes.
I am thoroughly ignorant of what it's all about, and perfectly content in that state. Really, there are so many other things for me to get excited or agitated about.
Enough said!
I am thoroughly ignorant of what it's all about, and perfectly content in that state. Really, there are so many other things for me to get excited or agitated about.
Enough said!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Adventure
Searching on zillow.com for housing information, I saw an ad for New Zealand Now, a website touting opportunities to immigrate to New Zealand. We both qualify under their list of "needed skills" giving us bonus points in an application. And they wish to encourage people starting businesses there.
Adventure. I filled out their contact page. (Do you want to work in NZ? Yes When? Not sure of timing.) Rocket and I look at each other... You know, there is an appeal!
Perhaps we'll go live in the Midwest for a while, then see.
Adventure. I filled out their contact page. (Do you want to work in NZ? Yes When? Not sure of timing.) Rocket and I look at each other... You know, there is an appeal!
Perhaps we'll go live in the Midwest for a while, then see.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Deadlines/Priorities
I have to finish up the formatting (and bibliography) for this brief bio I'm writing. FINISHED! Yes, the deadline was last Friday, but after the Composer arrived early, I wrote to the editors to say my schedule had been waylaid by his intervention. They ceded me a week's extension. I worked on it this week, and have it mostly complete.
I volunteer in the Painter's kindergarten class for about an hour on Fridays. His teacher had said she'd understand (what with the new baby and all) if I couldn't make it. Priorities. I said I'd be there. I expect to get this bio done this afternoon. DONE!If not, I'll send it in a few days.
Still have a little plate of things to clear. After this bio, I have the book chapter (which I had initially shirked) due in October. My mother-in-law departs on Saturday. My mother arrives to visit and help out for a few days next week. After she leaves, we pack up the five of us for a trip to see about a new home.
I've been spending a bit of time online checking out real estate sites. There are some bargains out there if we're willing and able to do our own fixing. Looks like there are quite a few houses that have been rentals for a while, which need a good deal of cosmetic repairs, but hopefully their fundamentals are sound.
I even found a house (4 bd/2 ba) for under $25,000! It was a repo, but seemingly in fair shape. No telling about condition until we actually see them though. In any case, we've identified a few areas where we'll likely be able to find a house we can afford (looks like buying would beat renting in that area, so we're hoping to be homeowners again). We're willing to do some work, fixing up and remodeling, as long as the house is livable in the interim.
For the moment, I don't see this next home as an investment. Rather, I'm looking to buy us 2-3 years to spend on building my firm, and raising our boys. The only question is how to arrange that purchase with our current pot of savings, and how can we come out the other end with nothing lost except perhaps some money. The impending move (and its associated logistics) will be a bit of distracter for a while, though I'm hoping not to give it more than necessary of my energy and time.
Two to three years! I gave the PhD six, and my faculty job search three. I think I can afford a couple years on my ideas (and my family).
I volunteer in the Painter's kindergarten class for about an hour on Fridays. His teacher had said she'd understand (what with the new baby and all) if I couldn't make it. Priorities. I said I'd be there. I expect to get this bio done this afternoon. DONE!
Still have a little plate of things to clear. After this bio, I have the book chapter (which I had initially shirked) due in October. My mother-in-law departs on Saturday. My mother arrives to visit and help out for a few days next week. After she leaves, we pack up the five of us for a trip to see about a new home.
I've been spending a bit of time online checking out real estate sites. There are some bargains out there if we're willing and able to do our own fixing. Looks like there are quite a few houses that have been rentals for a while, which need a good deal of cosmetic repairs, but hopefully their fundamentals are sound.
I even found a house (4 bd/2 ba) for under $25,000! It was a repo, but seemingly in fair shape. No telling about condition until we actually see them though. In any case, we've identified a few areas where we'll likely be able to find a house we can afford (looks like buying would beat renting in that area, so we're hoping to be homeowners again). We're willing to do some work, fixing up and remodeling, as long as the house is livable in the interim.
For the moment, I don't see this next home as an investment. Rather, I'm looking to buy us 2-3 years to spend on building my firm, and raising our boys. The only question is how to arrange that purchase with our current pot of savings, and how can we come out the other end with nothing lost except perhaps some money. The impending move (and its associated logistics) will be a bit of distracter for a while, though I'm hoping not to give it more than necessary of my energy and time.
Two to three years! I gave the PhD six, and my faculty job search three. I think I can afford a couple years on my ideas (and my family).
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wisconsin
I have reason to suspect there are readers of this blog from Southern Wisconsin/Northern Illinois, to which my family will be visiting (in search of a new home) February 15-19. It'd sure be great to make some contacts there. If you are willing, send an email to my gmail, at right.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Things to remember
(or, what is identity anyway?)
Sometimes I want to cry, and curl up on someone's shoulder, evoke sympathy, receive comfort, be a child again.
- But I am a man: 40 years old.
- I am a father (of 3 boys now).
- And I am a husband.
- I have my health (for the most part).
- I will not go hungry (nor will my family).
- I can cook a marvelous feast from whatever is at hand.
- I am capable.
- I am committed.
- I am industrious.
- I am self-reliant.
- I am not alone.
- My PhD was not earned so I could be called "Doctor".
- Indeed, it was not in particular to become a professor.
- It was an exercise to pursue my own path, to ask the questions that kept me awake at nights.
- It is not failure to walk away from the world of academia.
- It is a choice, motivated by my reading of the world in which I live, and my desire to create a different one.
- I need to remember that pursuing my current interests, attempting to build a research firm, seeking to file patents, are simply a path.
- I control my work, and my efforts.
- I have no control over how they are received.
- I do these things not to prove myself worthy.
- I am worthy.
- There is nothing to fear in pursuit.
- As my father taught me: We get to choose if we will be good; only history can choose if we will be great.
- It is enough to be good.
The Polished Glass of Pure Perfection
The polished glass of pure perfection
cannot be seen from where I stand.
Like the moon,
or the eyes of a portrait,
it shifts as I move,
only--unlike them--
it hides.
Just a glimpse,
I desire.
Just a peek.
What radiance would I see?
What mysteries unfold?
But I see no reflection:
not of me,
nor the room,
nor anything I can fathom.
I fall back on my knowledge,
my belief,
my suspicion,
my fear.
Is it there?
(29 January 2008)
cannot be seen from where I stand.
Like the moon,
or the eyes of a portrait,
it shifts as I move,
only--unlike them--
it hides.
Just a glimpse,
I desire.
Just a peek.
What radiance would I see?
What mysteries unfold?
But I see no reflection:
not of me,
nor the room,
nor anything I can fathom.
I fall back on my knowledge,
my belief,
my suspicion,
my fear.
Is it there?
(29 January 2008)
Monday, January 28, 2008
Terrified
First off, I'm sleep-deprived (as any parent of a newborn will attest), so mood swings can be expected. To some extent, I'm terrified. Not of being a parent of three boys. Not really of anything in specific. I'm just a bit terrified... of life. When struck with unexpected events, I sometimes paralyze. A case in point: Wednesday.
I awoke at the hospital beside my beautiful wife and newborn son (Rocket asked that I stay the night, and friends had agreed to watch the boys as long as needed). I drove home (stopping to get some donuts and pastries for the boys, and our friends). I spent the morning with the Inventor then picked up the Painter from kindergarten, visiting Rocket and the Composer at the hospital for about an hour before heading to the airport to get my mother-in-law.
We park. Two hands, two boys. We walk down one flight of stairs (into the rain) and across the street. I look up at the monitor to see which baggage claim to go to. Aaargh! The one time I failed to check on-time status before heading out, the flight has been rescheduled--2 hours later! I reach for the cell phone on my hip... Nothing's there.
I think. Sure I put it there. I just checked a message before leaving the van, so I know I had it. Perhaps it's on the seat. We walk back. Nope. Walk into the terminal, step up to the information desk. Upshot: I speak with a half dozen different officials, police, volunteers, employees--each one has a different idea where "lost and found" might be. No phone. Hours to kill (we'll miss the Inventor's naptime). What do I do? I'm paralyzed. We retrace our steps three times, each time pausing to ask different parties along the way where to find "lost and found". No dice. Phone gone.
Eventually I gathered myself enough to take the boys out for lunch. That helped (we were all hungry). We kill the time, return to the airport, beg a cell call from a stranger (to my wife, who called my mother-in-law, who hadn't checked any bags, so was waiting for us elsewhere). [SIGH!] Paralyzed. It's not a feeling that I like. Indecision. I rather think of myself as one who weighs choices, options. My wife would say that I'm the type to lay all possibilities out on the table before me.
I consider, and mull. Once I've laid them out, and reflected on their relative merits and demerits, I don't hesitate;I make a choice. But what if the choices are not given to me beforehand to consider? Or, what if they change while I'm not noticing? Ah, there's the trouble. Perhaps I'm not so good at improvisation. Maybe that explains my weakness in interviews. Yet, there's a great deal of improvisation in teaching. I guess it all depends on what one has thought about before, what one has prepared, that treasure chest from which to draw.
The Composer arrived nearly 3 weeks before expected. What a joy he is (as are the older two). So beautiful. So peaceful. So trusting. So dependent. It's not really that he was early. We anticipated that possibility. It's just that he's here, and somehow I'm not sure we're ready for the next steps.
We find ourselves midair, having jumped, before we land. Did we remember the parachutes? Do we know the terrain below? A couple weeks of logistics to work out. A financial reality check that isn't what I expected. I looked up the median household expenditures for the area we're intending to move. It's not really that off from a tally of our expenditures. In fact, the budget I think we can squeeze into is about 20% lower. But that's still more than I had anticipated. (I forgot to account for real inflation--rather than the fictions our government professes). I was working off assumptions and calculations from about a year ago.
It helps to get this all down. It's not quite so daunting once I take the time to consider. Still scared. But also a bit inspired. So many things to be thankful for. So many blessings in life. Need to remember that. Need to embrace the positives.
_____________________
I stopped by the store on the way home and picked up a bouquet of roses and alstroemerias for my wife, a mixed bouquet for my mother-in-law, and a couple heart balloons for my two older boys. I think they all needed to here "I love you" [Don't tell: I think I needed to hear myself say it.]
I awoke at the hospital beside my beautiful wife and newborn son (Rocket asked that I stay the night, and friends had agreed to watch the boys as long as needed). I drove home (stopping to get some donuts and pastries for the boys, and our friends). I spent the morning with the Inventor then picked up the Painter from kindergarten, visiting Rocket and the Composer at the hospital for about an hour before heading to the airport to get my mother-in-law.
We park. Two hands, two boys. We walk down one flight of stairs (into the rain) and across the street. I look up at the monitor to see which baggage claim to go to. Aaargh! The one time I failed to check on-time status before heading out, the flight has been rescheduled--2 hours later! I reach for the cell phone on my hip... Nothing's there.
I think. Sure I put it there. I just checked a message before leaving the van, so I know I had it. Perhaps it's on the seat. We walk back. Nope. Walk into the terminal, step up to the information desk. Upshot: I speak with a half dozen different officials, police, volunteers, employees--each one has a different idea where "lost and found" might be. No phone. Hours to kill (we'll miss the Inventor's naptime). What do I do? I'm paralyzed. We retrace our steps three times, each time pausing to ask different parties along the way where to find "lost and found". No dice. Phone gone.
Eventually I gathered myself enough to take the boys out for lunch. That helped (we were all hungry). We kill the time, return to the airport, beg a cell call from a stranger (to my wife, who called my mother-in-law, who hadn't checked any bags, so was waiting for us elsewhere). [SIGH!] Paralyzed. It's not a feeling that I like. Indecision. I rather think of myself as one who weighs choices, options. My wife would say that I'm the type to lay all possibilities out on the table before me.
I consider, and mull. Once I've laid them out, and reflected on their relative merits and demerits, I don't hesitate;I make a choice. But what if the choices are not given to me beforehand to consider? Or, what if they change while I'm not noticing? Ah, there's the trouble. Perhaps I'm not so good at improvisation. Maybe that explains my weakness in interviews. Yet, there's a great deal of improvisation in teaching. I guess it all depends on what one has thought about before, what one has prepared, that treasure chest from which to draw.
The Composer arrived nearly 3 weeks before expected. What a joy he is (as are the older two). So beautiful. So peaceful. So trusting. So dependent. It's not really that he was early. We anticipated that possibility. It's just that he's here, and somehow I'm not sure we're ready for the next steps.
We find ourselves midair, having jumped, before we land. Did we remember the parachutes? Do we know the terrain below? A couple weeks of logistics to work out. A financial reality check that isn't what I expected. I looked up the median household expenditures for the area we're intending to move. It's not really that off from a tally of our expenditures. In fact, the budget I think we can squeeze into is about 20% lower. But that's still more than I had anticipated. (I forgot to account for real inflation--rather than the fictions our government professes). I was working off assumptions and calculations from about a year ago.
It helps to get this all down. It's not quite so daunting once I take the time to consider. Still scared. But also a bit inspired. So many things to be thankful for. So many blessings in life. Need to remember that. Need to embrace the positives.
_____________________
I stopped by the store on the way home and picked up a bouquet of roses and alstroemerias for my wife, a mixed bouquet for my mother-in-law, and a couple heart balloons for my two older boys. I think they all needed to here "I love you" [Don't tell: I think I needed to hear myself say it.]
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Not so invincible after all
It seems nothing quite humbles like an honest look at expenditures. I ran a report in Quicken of our expenses over the last 12 months, to make a reasonable budget looking forward. Some expenses are certainly higher here in Southern California than they'll be where we're moving. (I must confess I was shocked to get an auto insurance quote that says our premiums will likely go UP by as much as 80%!). Overall, our expenses (the ones I couldn't pare down, or really can't assess until we arrive in our new place) are still perhaps 40% higher than I had been thinking.
Housing is the biggest factor. Our costs here are insane. We have been hoping we'll be able to find something affordable. If we're lucky a bank will overlook the fact that we will have no income soon (or, since Rocket is officially on leave, and thus still employed, maybe they'll consider her erstwhile income). In any case, looking over our budget, rather than having 2-3 years where we were hoping, it may be 18 months-2 years, and possibly looking someplace even cheaper. It's amazing to me how much housing costs vary from one place to another.
The relatively modest house we rent here would go for at least $500k, possibly $600k (even in today's depressed market). We had been thinking to move where $150k would buy us a nice place. Current considerations may push us down to the $100k range. I wish there were some alternative. I wish society weren't arranged to push many PhDs into poverty (lucky if they have a spouse who can earn a supportive income). I'm still bitter and disgusted by that. But I've made a choice to leave that path. Rocket has made a choice to take time off from her career (perhaps indefinitely).
That leaves us savings, and luck, and hope. I've got work to do. If I can maneuver these hurdles in short time and come up with rock-solid proofs-of-concept, perhaps I can push ahead with finding investors (and thus able to pay myself a salary). Understandably, I've been a bit distracted these past few weeks. And we've got a lot of logistics to deal with, assuming we're going to move this Spring or Summer.
We're still lucky. I know that. But knowing that doesn't solve the logistics, or make our choices any easier.
Housing is the biggest factor. Our costs here are insane. We have been hoping we'll be able to find something affordable. If we're lucky a bank will overlook the fact that we will have no income soon (or, since Rocket is officially on leave, and thus still employed, maybe they'll consider her erstwhile income). In any case, looking over our budget, rather than having 2-3 years where we were hoping, it may be 18 months-2 years, and possibly looking someplace even cheaper. It's amazing to me how much housing costs vary from one place to another.
The relatively modest house we rent here would go for at least $500k, possibly $600k (even in today's depressed market). We had been thinking to move where $150k would buy us a nice place. Current considerations may push us down to the $100k range. I wish there were some alternative. I wish society weren't arranged to push many PhDs into poverty (lucky if they have a spouse who can earn a supportive income). I'm still bitter and disgusted by that. But I've made a choice to leave that path. Rocket has made a choice to take time off from her career (perhaps indefinitely).
That leaves us savings, and luck, and hope. I've got work to do. If I can maneuver these hurdles in short time and come up with rock-solid proofs-of-concept, perhaps I can push ahead with finding investors (and thus able to pay myself a salary). Understandably, I've been a bit distracted these past few weeks. And we've got a lot of logistics to deal with, assuming we're going to move this Spring or Summer.
We're still lucky. I know that. But knowing that doesn't solve the logistics, or make our choices any easier.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Introducing: the Composer
22 January 2008, 20:25 (~20 minutes before the doctor showed up!), our #3 arrived. 6 lbs. 14 oz. 18" long. 19 days pre-date. If he deigns to open his eyes for more than a couple seconds, I'll try to get some more inviting face shots soon.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Waiting for...
Still waiting for baby. Rocket has been to the doctor's and the hospital four times in the past week. Fluids low at doctor's office last week: 2l IV at hospital last Tuesday, another 3l on Thursday. (She was at the hospital for nearly 11 hours!) Okay, they're up enough... too early to induce unless we have to... let's wait until full term. (Sunday was 37 weeks). Come see me Monday. Monday... long, frustrating time at doctor's office. Upshot: Fluids again marginal, but not low. Baby kicking, breathing, heart-rate normal. Let's wait and see. Come back Wednesday... er, no, office too busy then, come back tomorrow.
Nature! You can't live with it, you can't live without it. So, we just waits.
Nature! You can't live with it, you can't live without it. So, we just waits.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Lonely breaks
I think the hardest part of being my type of entrepreneur/researcher is how lonely it gets. The chance meetings in the hallways (Hello Peter Hi Articulate) are about all I get.
I no longer expect email to bring me unexpected news, or for the telephone to ring from some unrecognized area code. I remain surprised, when on occasion I notice someone having found my somewhat neglected Personal Research Website by searching for [My Real Name]. But they never call or write. Not lately.
I don't expect it anymore. It's all on me. It all depends on me solving some of the problems I've laid before me. First things first. I've been working on this major unresolved issue. I keep organizing my thoughts in notes, modifying them, commenting on them, saving version after version, printing them out, dating and signing them, then pasting them into my patent notebook, just in case I ever need to document when I arrived at an idea, to set precedence over someone else making claims of priority.
And I understand that the loneliness (at work) will remain unchanged at least until I've got these proofs-of-concept complete, until I've made some demos, hopefully garnered some clients, at least stimulated some interest. At a typical workplace, we take breaks. We talk to colleagues around the copy machine, or in the hallways. I've no colleagues here, just office neighbors. Someday, I'll be once again surrounded by intelligent, enthusiastic, exuberant, committed, stimulating people. But for now, it's just me and Moose*.
_________
* Long time readers may recall my laptop was named Di. My seven-month-old desktop is Moose. Say hello, Moose.
I no longer expect email to bring me unexpected news, or for the telephone to ring from some unrecognized area code. I remain surprised, when on occasion I notice someone having found my somewhat neglected Personal Research Website by searching for [My Real Name]. But they never call or write. Not lately.
I don't expect it anymore. It's all on me. It all depends on me solving some of the problems I've laid before me. First things first. I've been working on this major unresolved issue. I keep organizing my thoughts in notes, modifying them, commenting on them, saving version after version, printing them out, dating and signing them, then pasting them into my patent notebook, just in case I ever need to document when I arrived at an idea, to set precedence over someone else making claims of priority.
And I understand that the loneliness (at work) will remain unchanged at least until I've got these proofs-of-concept complete, until I've made some demos, hopefully garnered some clients, at least stimulated some interest. At a typical workplace, we take breaks. We talk to colleagues around the copy machine, or in the hallways. I've no colleagues here, just office neighbors. Someday, I'll be once again surrounded by intelligent, enthusiastic, exuberant, committed, stimulating people. But for now, it's just me and Moose*.
_________
* Long time readers may recall my laptop was named Di. My seven-month-old desktop is Moose. Say hello, Moose.
Freesias and noise
They've been ripping up the street outside my office for a week. Jackhammers constant. Fun.
I won't make it my sole excuse. I'm having trouble concentrating. Bit by bit. I'm working... just not quite as efficiently as I'd like.
I took a walk to Trader Joe's (in a strip mall adjacent to my office building). I bought some juice and snacks, and a pot of freesias. All the plants in my office have died, each in its own time. The last of them passed by the time I returned after New Year's. I had brought the pots home, in hopes that I might refill them with something else (a project to do with the boys).
I cleaned my desk, and set the lovely flowerpot in the middle. I'm trying to drown out the road noise with internet music. Got to remember to bring in some CDs. I hate to dilute my thinking (or dilute my listening attention) by working to music. But sometimes (like now) it's needed.
[SIGH]. Back to work.
I won't make it my sole excuse. I'm having trouble concentrating. Bit by bit. I'm working... just not quite as efficiently as I'd like.
I took a walk to Trader Joe's (in a strip mall adjacent to my office building). I bought some juice and snacks, and a pot of freesias. All the plants in my office have died, each in its own time. The last of them passed by the time I returned after New Year's. I had brought the pots home, in hopes that I might refill them with something else (a project to do with the boys).
I cleaned my desk, and set the lovely flowerpot in the middle. I'm trying to drown out the road noise with internet music. Got to remember to bring in some CDs. I hate to dilute my thinking (or dilute my listening attention) by working to music. But sometimes (like now) it's needed.
[SIGH]. Back to work.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Envy
Last month, I wrote a piece on what I termed Freudensorge, suffering at another's joy. There's another emotion that has crept up on me lately, one which I believe has power to teach, to reveal hidden desires, to uncover the secrets of our longing: Envy.
Around the same time, I penned the post mentioned above, I received an email from a friend of mine, letting me know that his long awaited book on a subject close to both of our hearts had been published. I wrote him back just after the new year, to say congratulations, and thanks for keeping me informed of his doings, and about conferences and such, and to let him know that I've dropped out of the rat-race for a faculty post. He responded, encouraging me to keep up with my research: "Hang in there, and keep in touch." He suggested he'd like to send me a copy of his book (the first book I know of where my work is cited), and asked what address to send it to. Yesterday, it arrived, inscribed "with warm regards". It means a lot to me.
He's a fine scholar and researcher. I envy him. He received a PhD from Harvard about 10 years ago. Immediately he was offered a job at a research institute, where he's been ever since. I envy the relative ease of his path. I don't know all the details; perhaps I fool myself. Most off all, I envy that he was able to produce a dissertation in a pathbreaking area (very close to my own interests), and that he has been able to spend his professional career, working in that area, researching, publishing, presenting on the subject, all the while fully supported in doing so.
When I was young, I dreamt of being a poet, lying under trees by day, reflecting on the world in verse, and having a patron who sustained me in this enterprise. But I grew up... a bit. I have dreamt of the life of the mind. I had hoped in a PhD that I would be able to pursue something new, something true, something remarkable. I'm proud of the paper I submitted to my committee, which garnered me those three letters. It was a start.
I have dreamt of the ability to spend a career being me, pursuing questions that struck my mind as worthwhile to pursue, asking questions that have not been asked before, or finding answers that others had not found. I envy the ability to do those things.
And what prevents me? What holds me back? The easy answer is money. We need money to live. And yet, for now, we have enough. We have enough to sustain us likely for a couple years without worry.
I think of Bill Gates, and Oprah Winfrey. They might have disappeared many years ago. But they did not. I do not envy them their wealth. At a certain point, there is no need for more. Though I confess I never thought I'd say it, I envy them. But I envy them because they have stayed, because they have not left the field, they have not disappeared. They followed a path that they set before themselves, and they've continued along it, even when the sidewalk ended, blazing trails of their own making. It doesn't make me want to purchase the latest Windows operating system, or the current copy of O Magazine at the checkout stand. But I envy them nonetheless.
Yes, I want success. But what is success? Perhaps, success is the freedom (inward as well as outward) to pursue those things that fire our passions, and the courage to continue the pursuit no matter what. I think of Rembrandt, his rise to fame and fortune, then his precipitous fall. He died in poverty, forgotten, forsaken. But even to the end (you can see it in his late self-portraits), he continued, honing that vision, his remarkable vision to see light, to sense it even in darkness (cultivated as a child, growing up in the darkness of his father's mill). I have long envied him, even if I seek to avoid the conditions in which he died.
It's not money or the lack of it that makes us who we are. Fame and fortune are incidental, as are poverty and obscurity. I no longer believe that those who are lucky are necessarily those most worthy (nor for that matter the least worthy). They are merely lucky. But luck does not ensure their happiness; no more than its lack ensures misery.
Whatever I do, wherever the path leads (wherever my meandering takes me), against all odds, even when the odds are with me, in success and in failure, most of all (and this is what I envy), I want to continue.
Around the same time, I penned the post mentioned above, I received an email from a friend of mine, letting me know that his long awaited book on a subject close to both of our hearts had been published. I wrote him back just after the new year, to say congratulations, and thanks for keeping me informed of his doings, and about conferences and such, and to let him know that I've dropped out of the rat-race for a faculty post. He responded, encouraging me to keep up with my research: "Hang in there, and keep in touch." He suggested he'd like to send me a copy of his book (the first book I know of where my work is cited), and asked what address to send it to. Yesterday, it arrived, inscribed "with warm regards". It means a lot to me.
He's a fine scholar and researcher. I envy him. He received a PhD from Harvard about 10 years ago. Immediately he was offered a job at a research institute, where he's been ever since. I envy the relative ease of his path. I don't know all the details; perhaps I fool myself. Most off all, I envy that he was able to produce a dissertation in a pathbreaking area (very close to my own interests), and that he has been able to spend his professional career, working in that area, researching, publishing, presenting on the subject, all the while fully supported in doing so.
When I was young, I dreamt of being a poet, lying under trees by day, reflecting on the world in verse, and having a patron who sustained me in this enterprise. But I grew up... a bit. I have dreamt of the life of the mind. I had hoped in a PhD that I would be able to pursue something new, something true, something remarkable. I'm proud of the paper I submitted to my committee, which garnered me those three letters. It was a start.
I have dreamt of the ability to spend a career being me, pursuing questions that struck my mind as worthwhile to pursue, asking questions that have not been asked before, or finding answers that others had not found. I envy the ability to do those things.
And what prevents me? What holds me back? The easy answer is money. We need money to live. And yet, for now, we have enough. We have enough to sustain us likely for a couple years without worry.
I think of Bill Gates, and Oprah Winfrey. They might have disappeared many years ago. But they did not. I do not envy them their wealth. At a certain point, there is no need for more. Though I confess I never thought I'd say it, I envy them. But I envy them because they have stayed, because they have not left the field, they have not disappeared. They followed a path that they set before themselves, and they've continued along it, even when the sidewalk ended, blazing trails of their own making. It doesn't make me want to purchase the latest Windows operating system, or the current copy of O Magazine at the checkout stand. But I envy them nonetheless.
Yes, I want success. But what is success? Perhaps, success is the freedom (inward as well as outward) to pursue those things that fire our passions, and the courage to continue the pursuit no matter what. I think of Rembrandt, his rise to fame and fortune, then his precipitous fall. He died in poverty, forgotten, forsaken. But even to the end (you can see it in his late self-portraits), he continued, honing that vision, his remarkable vision to see light, to sense it even in darkness (cultivated as a child, growing up in the darkness of his father's mill). I have long envied him, even if I seek to avoid the conditions in which he died.
It's not money or the lack of it that makes us who we are. Fame and fortune are incidental, as are poverty and obscurity. I no longer believe that those who are lucky are necessarily those most worthy (nor for that matter the least worthy). They are merely lucky. But luck does not ensure their happiness; no more than its lack ensures misery.
Whatever I do, wherever the path leads (wherever my meandering takes me), against all odds, even when the odds are with me, in success and in failure, most of all (and this is what I envy), I want to continue.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Regaining lost momentum
I find myself these days, retracking my steps, trying to understand where I was in August, when my momentum in research and programming began to traipse off. Yes, I still have a few things on my plate. I've decided not to prep a talk for Industry Conference 2008 (though I'll plan on going). Rather, I plan to have some proofs-of-concept and some demos prepped for the conference, with the intention to show them around selectively. Just because I won't be presenting publicly, doesn't mean I have to let the opportunity pass for drumming up interest. It also affords me the chance to require non-disclosure agreements from anyone I'll be showing, which I couldn't likely do for a presentation.
I find that some of my thinking has clarified, some questions have been answered, and in general my approach has matured since I was in the heat of things last summer. However, it's that impetus that I need to regain. I cleared my whiteboard, and wrote at the top:
First things First!
-Proof-of-concept
--[Major unresolved issue!]
It's that one issue that I hadn't completed back in August or September, that I still hadn't clarified when I met with the programmers I had hoped to hire in October, and which I let fester in the interim. And it's that one little issue that will make all of these points come together. It's that one little point that serves as fulcrum.
And I've danced around it this past week, unable to find the foothold for my energies to concentrate on the problem enough to make strides. I've been reading up on the state of the art so to speak (in a recent text from my wishlist that my inlaws got me for my birthday), and several patents that have recently been filed in the area I am working. There are still holes in what's out there, holes which I fully expect my patches to fill. But then, who can be certain when doing something new? Was Thomas Edison certain? It's a trick question!
Of course, he was certain... but about what? I am certain that I have a contribution to make to the field in which I have endeavored. I am certain that this is far more enjoyable to me at the moment than the alternative. I am certain that I will come up with something, that I will learn from each failure, each imperfect attempt. I'm just not certain if this one will work... or another 229 light bulbs down the road.
I find that some of my thinking has clarified, some questions have been answered, and in general my approach has matured since I was in the heat of things last summer. However, it's that impetus that I need to regain. I cleared my whiteboard, and wrote at the top:
First things First!
-Proof-of-concept
--[Major unresolved issue!]
It's that one issue that I hadn't completed back in August or September, that I still hadn't clarified when I met with the programmers I had hoped to hire in October, and which I let fester in the interim. And it's that one little issue that will make all of these points come together. It's that one little point that serves as fulcrum.
And I've danced around it this past week, unable to find the foothold for my energies to concentrate on the problem enough to make strides. I've been reading up on the state of the art so to speak (in a recent text from my wishlist that my inlaws got me for my birthday), and several patents that have recently been filed in the area I am working. There are still holes in what's out there, holes which I fully expect my patches to fill. But then, who can be certain when doing something new? Was Thomas Edison certain? It's a trick question!
Of course, he was certain... but about what? I am certain that I have a contribution to make to the field in which I have endeavored. I am certain that this is far more enjoyable to me at the moment than the alternative. I am certain that I will come up with something, that I will learn from each failure, each imperfect attempt. I'm just not certain if this one will work... or another 229 light bulbs down the road.
The artist, the critic, & the chef
More fun this weekend with the D200.
Croquet Art collaboration:
Croquet Art critique:
A chef's penetrating eyes:
Croquet Art collaboration:
Croquet Art critique:
A chef's penetrating eyes:
Friday, January 11, 2008
Industry Conference 2008
Just noticed a recent email announcing the deadline for submissions to present at [Applied Research Industry Conference 2008], January 18.
Now I've still got some things on my plate: got to finish this brief bio of the protagonist of my dissertation, due January 28; need to prepare an abstract by next Friday for this book contribution that I didn't really have enough desire to shirk; and now the possibility of preparing a proposal for [ARIC 2008].
If I don't submit for [ARIC] in the next week, it means I won't be presenting there until August 2009! So, while I haven't completed these proofs-of-concept, I've got enough done that I'm confident I'd have something significant to show by this August in New York. Trick is, I won't have a patent yet, and might likely not have filed one by then either. I fear I might get ready for everything, then get advice from my attorney that it'd be too risky to present it publicly before filing patent papers. If it's public domain (or arguably so), I may forfeit patentability. The question is, could I show enough to raise eyebrows, harness interest, but not risk giving it all away?
It's a tough call. On the one hand, if I submit, and it gets accepted, I've set myself a deadline (normally a good thing) for preparing presentation quality materials. I could always pull out later, on legal counsel, but that might not be a good precedent to set. On the other hand, I could simply wait until I've polished everything before sending it out, even if that'd mean a possible delay of a year before wide distribution.
Now I've still got some things on my plate: got to finish this brief bio of the protagonist of my dissertation, due January 28; need to prepare an abstract by next Friday for this book contribution that I didn't really have enough desire to shirk; and now the possibility of preparing a proposal for [ARIC 2008].
If I don't submit for [ARIC] in the next week, it means I won't be presenting there until August 2009! So, while I haven't completed these proofs-of-concept, I've got enough done that I'm confident I'd have something significant to show by this August in New York. Trick is, I won't have a patent yet, and might likely not have filed one by then either. I fear I might get ready for everything, then get advice from my attorney that it'd be too risky to present it publicly before filing patent papers. If it's public domain (or arguably so), I may forfeit patentability. The question is, could I show enough to raise eyebrows, harness interest, but not risk giving it all away?
It's a tough call. On the one hand, if I submit, and it gets accepted, I've set myself a deadline (normally a good thing) for preparing presentation quality materials. I could always pull out later, on legal counsel, but that might not be a good precedent to set. On the other hand, I could simply wait until I've polished everything before sending it out, even if that'd mean a possible delay of a year before wide distribution.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Stepping down
Dear Bidar & Evan,
The deadline for abstracts is creeping up, and I've been dragging my feet. I assure you this is not due to any recently acquired lack of interest or commitment to the subject. The conference in June was a break in the clouds from the otherwise dreary gloom I've had since completing my dissertation March 2004. It's a simple matter of having spent the past three years as a PhD unable to gain a foothold in academia, beyond the overwork, miserable pay, and lack of benefits that are offered to adjunct faculty in the States. After ~150 applications for permanent faculty posts, I've determined it time to move on.
I've yet to obtain any funding or institutional support for my [Longitudinal Project], without which the endeavor has stalled. I have found however a renewed commitment to my research, and a hope that I can muster practical applications from it before my savings run out. My current efforts deal with [brief description]. While I intend to keep up research in the area of [subject of the conference last June, where I gave a plenary address], it may simply have to wait until I have sufficient income to support my family (growing now, with our third son due to arrive in the next month). After having spent the past several years supporting me and the boys, my wife is intent to take a few years hiatus from being an engineer. The upshot is, at the moment, I'm not sure just what I might contribute to the planned volume, and regretfully withdraw.
I hope this missive meets you both well, and that you will understand my situation.
All best regards, with hope that we shall remain in touch,
Articulate
_______________________________
*****Updated to add reply from Bidar*****
Dear Articulate
Many thanks for your heartfelt email. I can certainly understand and appreciate your frustration with job hunting. The American job market is prohibitively competitive.
It is a great disappointment to me that you will be unable to offer something for the volume, and I would strongly encourage you to reconsider. The volume has a very strong array of contributors and your own work would complement it well.
All best wishes,
Bidar
______
Chairman, Department of [Field 1]
General Editor, [Journal] [Publisher]
General Editor, [Book series] [Publisher]
*****End reply from Bidar*****
_____________________
Now, what to do? I am torn. What are my measures? What determines worth and value? How do I decide where to expend my energies?
*****Updated to add my response****
Dear Bidar,
Alright... I reconsider. But I won't be able to get you an abstract by sundown. If I get you one by next Friday (18 Jan) will that do?
Best,
Articulate
The deadline for abstracts is creeping up, and I've been dragging my feet. I assure you this is not due to any recently acquired lack of interest or commitment to the subject. The conference in June was a break in the clouds from the otherwise dreary gloom I've had since completing my dissertation March 2004. It's a simple matter of having spent the past three years as a PhD unable to gain a foothold in academia, beyond the overwork, miserable pay, and lack of benefits that are offered to adjunct faculty in the States. After ~150 applications for permanent faculty posts, I've determined it time to move on.
I've yet to obtain any funding or institutional support for my [Longitudinal Project], without which the endeavor has stalled. I have found however a renewed commitment to my research, and a hope that I can muster practical applications from it before my savings run out. My current efforts deal with [brief description]. While I intend to keep up research in the area of [subject of the conference last June, where I gave a plenary address], it may simply have to wait until I have sufficient income to support my family (growing now, with our third son due to arrive in the next month). After having spent the past several years supporting me and the boys, my wife is intent to take a few years hiatus from being an engineer. The upshot is, at the moment, I'm not sure just what I might contribute to the planned volume, and regretfully withdraw.
I hope this missive meets you both well, and that you will understand my situation.
All best regards, with hope that we shall remain in touch,
Articulate
_______________________________
*****Updated to add reply from Bidar*****
Dear Articulate
Many thanks for your heartfelt email. I can certainly understand and appreciate your frustration with job hunting. The American job market is prohibitively competitive.
It is a great disappointment to me that you will be unable to offer something for the volume, and I would strongly encourage you to reconsider. The volume has a very strong array of contributors and your own work would complement it well.
All best wishes,
Bidar
______
Chairman, Department of [Field 1]
General Editor, [Journal] [Publisher]
General Editor, [Book series] [Publisher]
*****End reply from Bidar*****
_____________________
Now, what to do? I am torn. What are my measures? What determines worth and value? How do I decide where to expend my energies?
*****Updated to add my response****
Dear Bidar,
Alright... I reconsider. But I won't be able to get you an abstract by sundown. If I get you one by next Friday (18 Jan) will that do?
Best,
Articulate
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The first two
A few weeks ago, RocketMom and I finally bought ourselves a 10th wedding anniversary gift, a Nikon D200 digital SLR. Years ago, in a former life, I was an active photographer, seriously intending a career as a photojournalist. I was the photo editor of the campus newspaper, my second year of college, back in 1984-85. I had a dark room, and spent many long, dark hours, alone with my film, chemicals, and paper.
That was then. We bought a Nikon, since I could still use my old lenses. I LOVE IT! As I come out of my shell, more and more, casting off not only the raiment of the academic job seeker, but a bit of the motivation for my anonymity (namely the fear that some potential employer might find my blog), I can't help but share some shots of my boys (the first two). You'll have to wait (like the rest of us) for pictures of #3.
The Inventor
The Painter, drawing (naturally!)
They, two!
That was then. We bought a Nikon, since I could still use my old lenses. I LOVE IT! As I come out of my shell, more and more, casting off not only the raiment of the academic job seeker, but a bit of the motivation for my anonymity (namely the fear that some potential employer might find my blog), I can't help but share some shots of my boys (the first two). You'll have to wait (like the rest of us) for pictures of #3.
The Inventor
The Painter, drawing (naturally!)
They, two!
Lemon Peeled
I was going through my wallet, and realized I still had my Lemon University faculty ID prominently situated at the front of my card slots. ... I removed it.
A small gesture. I continue to slough off the skin of that life.
A small gesture. I continue to slough off the skin of that life.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Slowly returning
Back in the office today. The Painter returned to kindergarten today. I'm still not a morning person. I got up around 7:15 nonetheless.
New routines: I drop the Painter at school in the morning, then head to my office. RocketMom picks him up. I'll be heading home shortly. 8:00-4:00. That should be a good schedule. Once the baby arrives (or perhaps sooner) I'll be picking #1 up at school as well, maybe having lunch at home, then heading back for a few more hours work.
Work! ... I keep checking my old Lemon email account periodically, just in case there's any contact. Haven't received anything for about a week or so. That's fading. Soon enough, I'll simply let it go.
Work. ... I opened up some old files on my computer today, reviewing and commenting on my notes from last spring and summer. Getting my feet wet again, trying to recall how to swim. I know it's in there. I was doing quite well on this journey before I started teaching again. Lemon sucked up so much of my time and energy. That is a lesson well learned. Don't get me wrong: I do love teaching. It's just I've made a choice. Today, the research is more important to me, certainly more important than adjunct servitude. And, as by my choice, it beats all hell out of continuing the academic job search.
Slowly, I've been sending out emails to colleagues and friends, letting them know the shifts in my trajectory. Slowly. That's a good word for me now.
I realized that we have yet much to figure out before we move. Despite what I wrote on Friday, it's more likely that we'll move in the summer than sooner. On top of our decisions specific to the move (and dealing with a new arrival at home), I've got to get as much research and programming done as possible. The more the technology is filled out and tested, the more I've worked up a plan for my business, the better off we'll be. I'm hoping to have as much a leg up on getting clients (and possibly investors) before we move as possible.
New routines: I drop the Painter at school in the morning, then head to my office. RocketMom picks him up. I'll be heading home shortly. 8:00-4:00. That should be a good schedule. Once the baby arrives (or perhaps sooner) I'll be picking #1 up at school as well, maybe having lunch at home, then heading back for a few more hours work.
Work! ... I keep checking my old Lemon email account periodically, just in case there's any contact. Haven't received anything for about a week or so. That's fading. Soon enough, I'll simply let it go.
Work. ... I opened up some old files on my computer today, reviewing and commenting on my notes from last spring and summer. Getting my feet wet again, trying to recall how to swim. I know it's in there. I was doing quite well on this journey before I started teaching again. Lemon sucked up so much of my time and energy. That is a lesson well learned. Don't get me wrong: I do love teaching. It's just I've made a choice. Today, the research is more important to me, certainly more important than adjunct servitude. And, as by my choice, it beats all hell out of continuing the academic job search.
Slowly, I've been sending out emails to colleagues and friends, letting them know the shifts in my trajectory. Slowly. That's a good word for me now.
I realized that we have yet much to figure out before we move. Despite what I wrote on Friday, it's more likely that we'll move in the summer than sooner. On top of our decisions specific to the move (and dealing with a new arrival at home), I've got to get as much research and programming done as possible. The more the technology is filled out and tested, the more I've worked up a plan for my business, the better off we'll be. I'm hoping to have as much a leg up on getting clients (and possibly investors) before we move as possible.
A thousand mile journey begins with small steps.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Halfway back
Got into my office today around noon. It's the first I've been in the office (other than to grab something) since my inlaws came to visit December 26. Rocket had a doctor's appointment this morning, so I had to stay with the boys.
I did some purging from my office bookshelves, taking down about a dozen books or so to bring home. I've got this short bio to write and send off next week. I'm leaning against working on this book chapter, though I'd like to write the co-editors (one of whom I've known for a decade, and the other who organized the conference last June in the UK, and who invited me to speak). I plan to simply write to them my thinking and see what they say.
What is my thinking? I'm walking away from the academic job search. I'm done with that. I've begun to turn away from habits, attitudes, and behaviors I had acquired principally out of that process. I don't need any more "lines on my CV". I've got quite enough, and they've done nothing to help me get where I'm going. I need new measures for determining worth and value for my efforts.
What will this task accomplish? Will that get me further along the path I wish to travel? Or will it simply hold me where I am, costing energy and effort, that might be better spent on other things?
My research must be paramount. Within about a month, we'll have a new baby at home. Hopefully come March or April we'll be ready to move to our next home, though it may be May or June. We've got a lot of research to do on that count, to ascertain and decide where best suits our needs and desires, and all the logistics of how to move, and get insurance, where to live (to rent or buy), what sort of office or workspace can we set up for me. I'm going to order a bunch of boxes from U-Haul, and start packing things up pretty soon.
But I need to keep up my research. I need to work up these proofs-of-concept, hopefully before we move. I need to follow through on my hopes and dreams. And I need to ward off as many distractions as possible. Today, I'm halfway back. Monday a new passage begins.
I did some purging from my office bookshelves, taking down about a dozen books or so to bring home. I've got this short bio to write and send off next week. I'm leaning against working on this book chapter, though I'd like to write the co-editors (one of whom I've known for a decade, and the other who organized the conference last June in the UK, and who invited me to speak). I plan to simply write to them my thinking and see what they say.
What is my thinking? I'm walking away from the academic job search. I'm done with that. I've begun to turn away from habits, attitudes, and behaviors I had acquired principally out of that process. I don't need any more "lines on my CV". I've got quite enough, and they've done nothing to help me get where I'm going. I need new measures for determining worth and value for my efforts.
What will this task accomplish? Will that get me further along the path I wish to travel? Or will it simply hold me where I am, costing energy and effort, that might be better spent on other things?
My research must be paramount. Within about a month, we'll have a new baby at home. Hopefully come March or April we'll be ready to move to our next home, though it may be May or June. We've got a lot of research to do on that count, to ascertain and decide where best suits our needs and desires, and all the logistics of how to move, and get insurance, where to live (to rent or buy), what sort of office or workspace can we set up for me. I'm going to order a bunch of boxes from U-Haul, and start packing things up pretty soon.
But I need to keep up my research. I need to work up these proofs-of-concept, hopefully before we move. I need to follow through on my hopes and dreams. And I need to ward off as many distractions as possible. Today, I'm halfway back. Monday a new passage begins.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Keeping Bridges
One recent astute observation from my father-in-law accosts me. My in-laws are visiting us this week. I had mentioned that I hadn't decided on whether to prepare the abstract for the book chapter I'd tentatively agreed to write. He said simply: well, it's always good to keep bridges open.
Indeed.
I've recently been urging Rocket to be accepting of all her selves, to listen to them, not too hastily reject one for another. It is complexity that makes us whole. Who really plays one role in life?
And so, I think of Trillwing's hyphenation. It's funny what listening to our advice to others can do. Right now, as I shrug off the vestment of the seeker of a professorship, it is not always easy to see without bias, to accept without acrimony, that I still do love the academy, that scholarship is a true part of my being.
I am disappointed, yes. But then, I am sometimes disappointed with my children. That does nothing to diminish my love for them. [How odd to pose myself now as parent to the academy, I who have ever been its child, lavishing in its warmth (even when that "warmth" has proven bitter cold)]. Who among us plays one role?
I think of a line from one of my mother's (rare) poems ... and the parents now appear as children...
I do pass into the next chapter of my life, but (like Kundera perhaps) I shall weave an essence through it all that binds one to the other.
Indeed.
I've recently been urging Rocket to be accepting of all her selves, to listen to them, not too hastily reject one for another. It is complexity that makes us whole. Who really plays one role in life?
And so, I think of Trillwing's hyphenation. It's funny what listening to our advice to others can do. Right now, as I shrug off the vestment of the seeker of a professorship, it is not always easy to see without bias, to accept without acrimony, that I still do love the academy, that scholarship is a true part of my being.
I am disappointed, yes. But then, I am sometimes disappointed with my children. That does nothing to diminish my love for them. [How odd to pose myself now as parent to the academy, I who have ever been its child, lavishing in its warmth (even when that "warmth" has proven bitter cold)]. Who among us plays one role?
I think of a line from one of my mother's (rare) poems ... and the parents now appear as children...
I do pass into the next chapter of my life, but (like Kundera perhaps) I shall weave an essence through it all that binds one to the other.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I grieve
I grieve for the prospects of peace and democracy in my world. I grieve for the chances of the next generation to rise above the violence and destruction that are visited upon this planet right now.
Benazir Bhutto was assassinated today.
***Updated to say***
Pakistan blames "al-Qaeda". Oh yeah... and we of course should always trust our "good friends" and "allies"... you know the ones who sold nuclear secrets to Iran, North Korea, and Libya, especially the undemocraticallyelected seized "President" who immediately pardoned the scapegoat nuclear scientist A.Q. Khan...
Yes, of course, we should always trust the word of tyrants and dictators, especially when we are motivated like our "dear leader" George Bush to "spread democracy around the world."
Please! Let leadership and sanity return to my world!
Benazir Bhutto was assassinated today.
***Updated to say***
Pakistan blames "al-Qaeda". Oh yeah... and we of course should always trust our "good friends" and "allies"... you know the ones who sold nuclear secrets to Iran, North Korea, and Libya, especially the undemocratically
Yes, of course, we should always trust the word of tyrants and dictators, especially when we are motivated like our "dear leader" George Bush to "spread democracy around the world."
Please! Let leadership and sanity return to my world!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Baked Mango Chicken with Rice
This experiment turned out well, so I thought I'd share it.
That's it.
- 1 cup (uncooked) rice (I opted for Vietnamese red rice).
- 2 cups chicken stock
- 2-3 cups water
- one medium onion, slivered
- one whole mango, diced
- 1 large (or 2 medium) carrot(s), coarsely chopped
- 4 chicken thighs (about 1 pound)
- Seasoning to taste (I used salt, pepper, and paprika)
That's it.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Holding Pattern
No, that does not describe my holiday travels. We, in fact, are staying home.
If you didn't know, there's not an airline around who'll accept to fly a woman who is 34-weeks pregnant without a doctor's order; and there are few of us who could afford the bribe necessary to get a doctor to write such an order, or the one necessary to get an entire flight of passengers and crew to pretend they don't notice. All that said, what woman 34-weeks pregnant would even want to fly?
Chanukah was pleasant and mostly uneventful. Rocket's folks will arrive to visit for a week on December 26. I've decided that I'll mostly take the week off. Hence the holding pattern.
I've realized I'm in that odd state between things where the old is not quite extinguished, and the new not yet inflamed. It's finding the energy to clear out the ashes in between that takes the most effort.
I started writing the brief bio I committed to. I'm still undecided on the book chapter. I'll yet have more than a week to deal with that after the new year.
I spent a little time looking over things. I've got a white board on the wall facing my desk that is filled with projects and ideas for my research firm. I've hardly looked at it these past couple months. I glanced over some of the attempts I had made in September, before I was mistakenly led to believe I'd be getting programming help for my proofs-of-concept. It's been eight months since I defined the first proof-of-concept, which I had initially hoped to have for August, then wished to complete by the end of the year. I've been clearing away the hurdles and debris that have been holding me back.
I back-burnered my research when the term began at Lemon four months ago; it's going to take me a bit of time to get back into a routine. But that's exactly what I intend to do. This (teaching at Lemon) was a good experiment for me, one which failed, but which nonetheless taught me something. The summer had been quite productive for me. I was excited and impassioned. I had hopes that I'd be able to continue that, while also teaching adjunct.
Now I realize that teaching (82 students as the term began, eventually dropping to 75 in the end) consumed far more time and energy than I had expected (not to mention the 9-12 hours weekly commute), and was thus incompatible with my plans to make strides in my research. When it's a choice between teaching and research, it's the latter that most drives me.
It will be a couple weeks until both Rocket and I are settled into our new roles (I, no longer the teacher; she, no longer the actively employed). I suppose just when we think we've settled, son #3 will arrive and upset the apple cart again. There are no deadlines for life. What remains for us now is to learn (once again) how to live.
If you didn't know, there's not an airline around who'll accept to fly a woman who is 34-weeks pregnant without a doctor's order; and there are few of us who could afford the bribe necessary to get a doctor to write such an order, or the one necessary to get an entire flight of passengers and crew to pretend they don't notice. All that said, what woman 34-weeks pregnant would even want to fly?
Chanukah was pleasant and mostly uneventful. Rocket's folks will arrive to visit for a week on December 26. I've decided that I'll mostly take the week off. Hence the holding pattern.
I've realized I'm in that odd state between things where the old is not quite extinguished, and the new not yet inflamed. It's finding the energy to clear out the ashes in between that takes the most effort.
I started writing the brief bio I committed to. I'm still undecided on the book chapter. I'll yet have more than a week to deal with that after the new year.
I spent a little time looking over things. I've got a white board on the wall facing my desk that is filled with projects and ideas for my research firm. I've hardly looked at it these past couple months. I glanced over some of the attempts I had made in September, before I was mistakenly led to believe I'd be getting programming help for my proofs-of-concept. It's been eight months since I defined the first proof-of-concept, which I had initially hoped to have for August, then wished to complete by the end of the year. I've been clearing away the hurdles and debris that have been holding me back.
I back-burnered my research when the term began at Lemon four months ago; it's going to take me a bit of time to get back into a routine. But that's exactly what I intend to do. This (teaching at Lemon) was a good experiment for me, one which failed, but which nonetheless taught me something. The summer had been quite productive for me. I was excited and impassioned. I had hopes that I'd be able to continue that, while also teaching adjunct.
Now I realize that teaching (82 students as the term began, eventually dropping to 75 in the end) consumed far more time and energy than I had expected (not to mention the 9-12 hours weekly commute), and was thus incompatible with my plans to make strides in my research. When it's a choice between teaching and research, it's the latter that most drives me.
It will be a couple weeks until both Rocket and I are settled into our new roles (I, no longer the teacher; she, no longer the actively employed). I suppose just when we think we've settled, son #3 will arrive and upset the apple cart again. There are no deadlines for life. What remains for us now is to learn (once again) how to live.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)